What's wrong with sleepovers?

[PeatandDieselfan]

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

Absolutely NO sleepovers !!

as a professional in child safeguarding it’s a firm hard no.

i have never allowed my children to be in anyone else’s home overnight and I wouldn’t allow anyone’s in mine.

i can’t know who is in and out their home, if they have older children, grandparents over, risky pets, poor food hygiene, unsafe building, meds laying around- just no.

and I won’t have anyone else’s here- I don’t want a risk of false allegations, things being misinterpreted, or the responsibility.

i have dealt with many serious cases of abuse and neglect and harm caused in both scenarios .

it is simply not possible for ANY parent to safely risk assess this …. Trust me… no matter how much you think you can. You’re wrong.

Because abuse is everywhere and children can and will hide it for ages .
as a recent example a friend just found out his 15 year old got attacked by a friends dad , the kids drunk and he was being nosy and this adult grabbed him by the neck against a wall . This only came out 6 months after when another friend who was present that day saw this dad screaming at a local event and decided to tell his mum who then told my friend .
kids are vulnerable , why would I put a young child at risk of abuse

DD (now 24) went to a number of sleepovers as a child. She rarely slept, and that ruined the next day because she was tired and grumpy.
I hated hosting, especially when one visitor frightened the life out of me by standing next to my bed at 3am demanding to go home.
i hate them.

Yes at that age it’s obviously fine! My kids stay out all the time now but not when they were little! It’s madness letting a younger child stay with people you’ve never met.

This!!

I mentioned this on the other thread: here’s a related experience I had, but at the time, knew nothing about. I’d be interested to hear others’ thoughts on this.

Aged six, I went on a youth group residential, in the mid 1980s. My dad came as a helper, and slept in one of the boy’s dormitories. (Yes, I know, absolutely unthinkable now!) After only one night, he took me home, which may have been because I wasn’t enjoying it very much. Many years later, he explained that this was because some of the teenage helpers on this trip were having sex with each other in the children’s dormitories in the daytime, and some of the children knew about this. I knew nothing until I was about eighteen.

My parents could have gone totally nuclear, and never allowed me to go on any overnight trips again, anywhere, to protect me. This did not happen; I went on sleepovers, and overnight school trips, foreign exchanges. (My parents did have a sharp intake of breath when they heard I’d been a passenger on a motorbike.) Did they do me a disservice in not protecting me from things that “might” happen?

While I understand parents’ fears on this, I do think that it can cause more problems to pass these fears on to children, who might then be extremely uncomfortable sleeping away from home. There’s only so much risk you can protect children from. I think that banning play dates on this basis is definitely going too far; and as I said on the other thread, it’s somewhat hypocritical to say “I won’t allow my child to attend sleepovers, but I’ll gladly host them”.

I’d let my child have her friends sleep over ours because i know we have nothing but good intentions. I’d never let my child have sleepovers at other peoples houses because you never know who is in that house.
if you feel it’s trustworthy and it’s in your gut that your child can go, then send them. But it’s your responsibility as the parent to know that your child will be 100% safe.

I think it’s incredibly naive in today’s climate to assume that just because it hasn’t happened to you, it is fair to make a calculated risk on your child’s physical, emotional and mental health being. Is it so unfathomable that fun moments can be created without the prospect of pushing the boundaries on statistics, self assurance or anything else that is not nearly as important as the mere possibility that this is a completely avoidable risk. Road accidents happen but cars at least have a purpose of facilitating life for us, whereas a sleep over is an activity that is easily replaceable with many other activities that can promote fun and independence, so please stop sending your children to the eventual path that is behind my (a therapist) desk.

Apologies in advance, this is not directed at any one specific person, it is just tiring and disheartening to hear so many of these horrific stories and then witnessing a live debate with parents who still consider the risk worth while ..

Oh you are so very naive. Just before you've had a few successful play dates does not mean it's safe for them to sleep round.
Yes it's a safeguarding reason. Statistically it's more likely to be someone you know who seems like a lovely person/family man who would sexually assault your child. They just need opportunity.
Btw i work in safeguarding of children. It happens way more than you think it does

Here's another story, which is not so much "was the child safe?", but was the adult safe from what might have gone wrong.

A male friend of mine used to volunteer with a 12-year-old autistic boy (arranged through a charity, with CRB paperwork and everything), and take him on outings. On the boy's family's request, my friend took the boy camping, sharing a small tent with him. This was all agreed in writing with the boy's mum, who was involved in the planning. Lots of us thought my friend was either very brave to agree to this, or totally foolish, and there were so many ways this could have gone wrong. This was in 2003, not long after Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman, at a time when protection of children was very much in the news, that "no trusted adult is safe", not even school caretakers, teachers couldn't start work because of delays with their CRB checks, and every extra-curricular activity needed a separate CRB check (some head teachers needed as many as seven of these). They did it, had a lovely time, and my friend has no regrets.

Sleepovers are creepy AF, keep kids at home.

Because women don't rape children.

That's the men doing that.

... You use the term "fiddled with" for your own child...?

Often where se*ual abuse happens, often by older siblings or the parents, shocked you had no idea, one of friends was raped whilst on a sleep over by 3 men her friends dad plus his 2 friends.

Also my children’s school won’t allow any contact home!! Absolutely zero chance I’m sending my child away and they have no means to contact me should they feel they want / need to!

I loved sleepovers! When I was primary aged it meant the playing could go on a lot longer dvd they usually had a later bedtime and more sugary cereal than at home. At secondary we could talk all night, watch satellite tv that I didn’t have at home, and I could delay the boredom of journeying home til the morning.

When I was a teen if I phoned home from a friends’ house in the evening my dad would pick up the phone already saying “yes VL, you can stay over”. A borrowed nightie and spray deodorant for the morning was fine!

I wish my kids could experience that, but they haven’t such close friendships and they are too socially anxious.

I went to sleepovers when I was a kid in the 80's. At one friend's house, her Dad insisted we have a bath together. I tried to get out of it as I had just had a bath that day at home. He watched us and instructed us on how to wash each other. I can't remember anything sexual but I felt uncomfortable and had told him no. In Canada, we had this bubble bath stuff called Mr. Bubble, he put that in the bath to make it 'fun'. Turned out at that time Mr. Bubble had the same ingredients as industrial cleaners. I got a chemical burn on my vagina from that and the blisters took years to heal, many doctors looking down there, and my mum and dad were beside themselves. They took me too emergency when I first complained of the excruciating pain and the doctor thought they had abused me in some way. It was an awful time. Only much later did I tell my mum about the bubble bath and my friend's pervy dad. I still have horrendous scarring down there .

I’m the same. I HATE sleepovers with a passion. My kids have been to grandparents or 1 or 2 trusted friends a handful of times.

It’s awful to hear of all the abuse stories and I must admit I would never let my children stay with anyone I didn’t spend a lot of time with and trusted completely. However my biggest worry, and the one that has prevented my children going to more sleepovers is the fact that the majority of parents seem to think it’s fine to go to bed before the kids are asleep. So, say good night, shut the bedroom door and let them get on with it for the rest of the night.

They often also allow access to phones, screens etc during the night which I find unacceptable. I know my friend’s son was badly teased and set upon by ‘friends’ during the night and then filmed. He was so upset but felt he had to stay and sit through it while it happened as it was 3am and he felt there was no escape. Another one who sat and watched porn etc and was quite traumatised by the whole experience.

I realise these things can happen outside of sleepovers but there’s just something about feeling trapped while you’re at someone’s house for the night that makes me really wary. There’s little escape unlike there maybe would be on a walk home from school etc.

That, and the absolute nuclear fallout of a child who’s had 5 hours sleep - meaning that the following day is a complete mess!

I don’t know… they’re fun, but maybe not that fun. I do know the build up and excitement beforehand is always much more enjoyable than the sleepover itself.

People are still listening to 'influencers'🤦

Of course they don't allow contact home imagine having 50+ small kids on a trip and 50+ phones to deal with and the chaos that ensues. Them being stupid, video each other, accessing crap, staring at phones instead of actually talking and playing with each other. The lost phones..the broken phones the mixed up chargers, the accusations of stealing phones... Nightmare. Then parents constantly messaging the kids and then getting worried when no response... And then,
Kids will ring up for any stupid reason, tell their parents stuff like "I nearly died" or "so and so did X" and it makes the parents worried and want to collect them. They'll be trying to ring the teachers during the day, when they're trying to herd cats and make sure everyone is ok
When in actual fact, the kid was just scared and then the told didn't actually do what was said.

If your child feels the need to contact you, they can ask the teachers to ring you.

Don't be ridiculous!

Unfortunately mobile phones, especially smartphones, are a safeguarding issue on themselves. Allowing a device that can film and broadcast immediately into an area where children are changing and sleeping is a big No for school trips, youth groups etc... for the children's safety

Our dds enjoyed sleepovers, but not until around 8. Allowing it with much younger children would have been out of the question.

I heard not long ago that children of a friend of dd had been found watching porn at a sleepover - a slightly older boy of the host family had shown it to them.
I was already aware of the dangers of unsuitable films being allowed (extreme violence/sadism/horror) but this was a whole new case of 😱.

Well how on earth did that happen? The thing is with sleepovers parents have to be responsible, so no an older boy should not have been able to show young dc anything inappropriate.

It's true some parents do just shut the door and leave them to it but responsible parents keep an eye and if an older dc was showing young dc porn that is of course very serious. I hope your friend escalated it, complained and informed appropriate services about this sharing of sexual images with young dc.

Ours always enjoyed having and attending sleepovers. They developed their social skills and it was useful when I was ill and required a hospital stay, we didn't have to worry about them crying all night sleeping elsewhere as they were used to it.