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What's wrong with sleepovers?

311 replies

PeatandDieselfan · 28/05/2025 11:06

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

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GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/06/2025 09:39

@Gloriia, the family was very well known and trusted, so the parents of the boy who showed the porn were as shocked as anyone else. He was only a year or two older than the others.
Just goes to show how vigilant parents need to be, re screen access to anything unsuitable.

Gloriia · 01/06/2025 09:49

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/06/2025 09:39

@Gloriia, the family was very well known and trusted, so the parents of the boy who showed the porn were as shocked as anyone else. He was only a year or two older than the others.
Just goes to show how vigilant parents need to be, re screen access to anything unsuitable.

Edited

If he had porn on his phone his parents can't have been trusted or vigilant. When ours were younger we used to do regular checks, we had software in place to check what sites they were using. Of course they could have used private browsing but the threat of a random check was always there so it was a deterrent. Not that they would have viewed adult content anyway let alone share it with younger children.

I hope this family involved appropriate services. Wouldn't it be classed as csa an older dc sharing sexual images with younger dc?

Mmc123 · 01/06/2025 20:38

This, also teach safe words. I only ever let mine do sleepovers with friends/families I knew well, that were police checked or worked with kids/police etc. Age wise it wouldve been 10-13 ish. Normally it was a group setting/party so they would all be in one room together. We were lucky they had a fab time & were great fun, but it isn't an infallible situation sadly.

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MumWifeOther · 01/06/2025 20:43

TheNightingalesStarling · 01/06/2025 08:37

Unfortunately mobile phones, especially smartphones, are a safeguarding issue on themselves. Allowing a device that can film and broadcast immediately into an area where children are changing and sleeping is a big No for school trips, youth groups etc... for the children's safety

I appreciate that and don’t have an issue with the teachers keeping them, and then allowing the children a 5 minute phone call home once a day if they want. I just don’t like the idea that they cannot contact you if they need to.

MumWifeOther · 01/06/2025 20:49

ButteredRadishes · 01/06/2025 08:31

Of course they don't allow contact home imagine having 50+ small kids on a trip and 50+ phones to deal with and the chaos that ensues. Them being stupid, video each other, accessing crap, staring at phones instead of actually talking and playing with each other. The lost phones..the broken phones the mixed up chargers, the accusations of stealing phones... Nightmare. Then parents constantly messaging the kids and then getting worried when no response... And then,
Kids will ring up for any stupid reason, tell their parents stuff like "I nearly died" or "so and so did X" and it makes the parents worried and want to collect them. They'll be trying to ring the teachers during the day, when they're trying to herd cats and make sure everyone is ok
When in actual fact, the kid was just scared and then the told didn't actually do what was said.

If your child feels the need to contact you, they can ask the teachers to ring you.

Don't be ridiculous!

Edited

Maybe.

The sole reason as I mentioned previously though is that I do not trust other kids (or teachers fwiw). Come across too many vile ones in the time my kids have been in school!

Measinglemum · 02/06/2025 09:19

My boy and his best friend tried a sleepover early in primary but I ended up taking the friend home as he was not ready

Later age 10 they had successful sleepovers . Sleepover pal 1 has been since reception and I know mum , sleepover 2 is with another single parent without a partner .

The only weirdness between kids that I recall happenened during daytime plays . One my boy was told not to tell me but told me when I said . They are friends but on the park playing football or public areas

The other boy knows that my boy will tell weirdness and was upset with him but got over it .
No lasting scars
It is important your kids can express worries and speak out first . Also my boy now in year 6 has a mobile phone. I would collect him day or night

AhBiscuits · 02/06/2025 09:29

My 9 year old was at a sleepover for her friend's birthday Friday night. 5 girls and the mum and dad in the house.
She had a wonderful time. They had pizza and watched a film. They stayed awake until midnight playing truth or dare, giggling and chatting. It'll be a fun childhood memory for her and has deepened her friendships with these girls.
The chance of the dad being able to do anything unnoticed with that many people in the house is low. Plus DD and I talk a lot. I'm confident she would talk to me if anything made her uncomfortable.
I can't let my fears stop her from living her life.

Politygal · 03/06/2025 23:12

Many decades ago when we kids went to visit relatives for a weeks holiday, it was noticeable that there was always a female adult in the room where we gathered and played. The sitting room was designed so that the garden and front of the house could be clearly seen and the children who played out could be monitored. There were 4 children in ages ranging from a few months to 8 or nine. But always an adult female in the room. We children were directed where to play, and it was so we were always in adult female ccompany. These holidays were carefully choreographed affairs!

I only learned the reason for this 30 years later and it wasn't down to any male in this immediate family, but others we were being protected from. This was more than 70 years ago. (In a nice respectable area!)

ButteredRadishes · 04/06/2025 06:47

Politygal · 03/06/2025 23:12

Many decades ago when we kids went to visit relatives for a weeks holiday, it was noticeable that there was always a female adult in the room where we gathered and played. The sitting room was designed so that the garden and front of the house could be clearly seen and the children who played out could be monitored. There were 4 children in ages ranging from a few months to 8 or nine. But always an adult female in the room. We children were directed where to play, and it was so we were always in adult female ccompany. These holidays were carefully choreographed affairs!

I only learned the reason for this 30 years later and it wasn't down to any male in this immediate family, but others we were being protected from. This was more than 70 years ago. (In a nice respectable area!)

Who were you being protected from?

Rockcronie · 05/06/2025 15:56

One very good reason, really - sexual predators who like young children ...& teens for that matter.

We used a sleep-over for our young daughter once, in an effort to help her break the ice, so to speak at a small International School in the EU, she'd started to attend.

We invited the parents to reassure them that we'd be present throughout the event - yet the fathers didn't even bother to show up with the mothers, either because they didn't care, the invitation omitted to mention drinks were on offer, couldn't be bothered, preferred to watch the telly -all of the above - as no reasons were given for their allegedly "logical" absence on a Saturday evening.

To say the experience for us was an eye-opener, is no exaggeration. The TV room had been done up with big cushions & they (all girls aged 8) could sleep there together should they eventually choose to do so. An abundance of snacks was available in the kitchen & we exited Stage Right to a sitting room up stairs.

After the sun had set, some games played under my watchful, but reasonably distanced eye & they'd all been fed & watered, one little minx decided it would be fun to play the "Let's have sex!" game. In the end, this game amounted to who could emulate certain 'movements' & noises for the loudest & the longest. Fortunately only 2 "performed" while the rest laughed uproariously. It could have been worse - sex toys might easily have entered the picture.

Our daughter's father sharply decided to disappear upstairs into his office & lock the door, advising me to let him know when I planned to retire, safely, for the night.

This event taught us that one can never really know what goes on in other people's homes, let alone in one's own extended family.

I let our daughter attend a sleep-over at a classmate's home a few years later, where I knew the family had no male relatives lurking in the background & whose father would be away on a business trip. Of course, there was no way of knowing whether this family watched porn regularly or left doors open during their possibly noisy sex, but by then our child had learnt about these issues anyway.

Yet it's astonishing how clueless many parents still seem to be in assuming that other couples in the neighbourhood are "like us" in most ways, simply because their children attend the same schools & religious institutions & the parents seem to ascribe to the same political outlooks. But truthfully, when it comes to sex, preferences are not at all as "obvious" nor "the same" as political or economic leanings say, can be, so it's thus dangerous to assume that they are.

Nor is sexual deviancy, in particular, a subject that comes up at the school gates, regularly - well not in my experience, anyway. Of course the reason for reticence at the school gates might very well be because deviant sex is quite common, as The Telegraph's agony aunt & uncle inform readers occasionally, but demanding as it does, the involvement of select groups only & rather hypocritically, a certain degree of secrecy about its nature & who participates, in an effort to protect their own children/spouses from any shame or embarrassment, but not yours, of course.

So it was with relief that the age passed swiftly for us, when, for some mysterious reason, many mothers, aping their American sisters, seem to think sleep-overs are yet another great idea & a way to show off their homes & entertainment skills or play the role of a "Real" housewife for a day.

The time is now, when we should return to celebrating something as special as our children's birthdays within our own families only, while the child is under-age at any rate, instead of using the day as an opportunity to show children "how much" they are "loved", while simultaneously playing games of one-"up(mother)ship" by the sheer numbers of "friends" invited - something that also lets parents off the hook for having to expend more energy & time with their child than they want to. The big crowd also shows the neighbours how popular the child must be. Some parents might use their money to up the ante by hosting the whole "Year".

It's actually quite surprising how few parents, rather stupidly, are unaware of the dangers of locking up a group of young, vulnerable, under-age children in one's home, for the night. The bigger the house, the more suspicious I became about parents' motives - especially if they never bothered to greet me at the school gate, during the rest of the year.

It's not only sexual predation that might be a problem, but also certain children in the group, who could be bullying one of the others, who then becomes trapped. Like so many teachers in the not too distant past, or even the present, a parent "on duty" at the event, might be utterly clueless as to how to deal with the fall-out & the consequences of bullying, the memory of which can remain for years in the mind of the aggrieved child.

Queenoftheuniveseandallplanets · 05/02/2026 21:51

reason 7557378 why sleepovers aren’t safe:

What's wrong with sleepovers?
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