What's wrong with sleepovers?

[PeatandDieselfan]

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

Sleepovers serve no purpose. However, residential trips (scouts, etc.) are wonderful, educational, fun. Yet they too carry risks. I let mine have one sleep-over (waste of time), hosted two (hassle and waste of time) and I also let mine go on all residentials, whilst I was chewing the carpet, waiting for the return home. Risks are everywhere - teachers, doctors, neighbours, strangers. Aaaaaaah

You see a lot of this on the internet but in real life it's not really common.

DD is 5 so too young for a sleepover but no-one in her friendship group is anti-sleepover.

You obviously take precautions, I wouldn't let her stay with strangers or if I wasn't comfortable with someone's parenting and I'd send her with a charged phone to contact us if she wanted to leave at any point, but anyone thinking their child doesn't miss out on having the fun of a sleepover is kidding themselves.

SA can happen anywhere and with anyone, even people you trust completely. It doesn't just happen at night.

I would still be a bit concerned but take some comfort in the fact that there will be adult supervision by people who have been DBS checked, that safeguarding should have been factored into the planning and you can check it has been beforehand.

I've seen people say they won't allow play dates on here. They were a major part of my kids' childhood and I remember on the programme Child of our Time they said playing at a friend's house was children's favourite thing to do. Above theme parks etc

The thing is that children don’t need to spend the night somewhere to be sexually abused. I think the paranoia around sleepovers lulls people into a false sense of security that everything else is okay. Foolishly so.

I was sexually abused. On a play date at a trusted neighbour’s house. One I never had a sleepover with. I have 2 family members who have been convicted of child sexual offences. Neither of them ever abused anyone on a sleepover. In one case, the child was his own daughter. In the other case, a niece who he saw at family functions.

Funny enough, in both cases we are NC with them because we obviously want to keep our children safe. We are the only parents in the extended family who don’t allow contact with these two paedophiles. I bet some of these parents are no sleepover types. 🙄 But they allow unsupervised contact between their children and a known convicted child sexual abuser who served prison time for offences against another child in the family. Because who wants to make a fuss? And he’s old and harmless enough, right? It boggles the mind.

Fwiw, yes, I allow sleepovers with adults who I trust. I listen to my gut and teach my dc the same and I have no qualms about saying no or going to collect mine if something doesn’t feel right.

Totally agree with this, it’s such a stupid and short sighted argument isn’t it.

Like “well there are bigger risks out there so fuck it, I’ll take the gamble”
I think the people that use this argument are either incredibly lacking in common sense or just want to have a contrary opinion for the sake of it.

I was touched up by my friend's teenage brother.

That said, I do allow sleepovers with families I know well. Life is not risk free and all you can do is take what precautions you can and talk to your children about dangers and appropriate behaviours. The risk of something happening is still low and your children need to enjoy their lives.

I don’t understand the ‘you are more likely to be abused by x’ posts. Yes, and? Childcare is necessary for working parents, and nurseries have safeguards in place making instances of abuse extremely rare.

It's likely far more common at a nursery on in your own home than a sleepover. The majority of dc who have a sleepover will not be abused & yet people are linking to a case where dc were murdered as to why they don't do it.

Because people are obsessed with the idea that there are paedophiles lurking on every street. I don't get it myself. I always had a blast at sleepovers growing up. My parents didn't let me go with just anyone, only with trusted friends, but I wouldn't have swapped those times for anything.

Totally agree with this, it’s such a stupid and short sighted argument isn’t it

People are completely missing the point.

Life is not risk free

Exactly

The thing is that children don’t need to spend the night somewhere to be sexually abused. I think the paranoia around sleepovers lulls people into a false sense of security that everything else is okay. Foolishly so.

Agree

But they allow unsupervised contact between their children and a known convicted child sexual abuser who served prison time for offences against another child in the family. Because who wants to make a fuss? And he’s old and harmless enough, right? It boggles the mind.

wowsers @mindutopia that is unfathomable

It’s not only sexual predators to be aware of. I am a dog lover and have my own dogs, but there are some dogs that I would not want to come into contact with. I remember the poor child in Wales that went to a friend’s house for a play date and was killed by the family’s dog.

I'm very sorry that happened to you, and I applaud you for your measured attitude to it. As you say, nothing in life is completely without risk and I think that your attitude is the correct one.

I work with paedophiles and sex offenders and they are so terrifyingly common, they almost are on every street, certainly in every town, estate. You’d never know, they are incredibly manipulative and charming often.

Thank goodness you never had a negative experience, but there are many many more adults and children out there who have not been as lucky.

There are risks with most choices we make in life, but it's about mitigating risks and taking sensible precautions. My son has loved sleepovers with his bestie (they still have them even though they are now teens) but I know the mum very well, she is a good friend. My daughter isn't keen on sleeping over someone's house as she is a home bird but she has friends stay over ours. Again I am good friends with the mums and they trust me to take good care of their children, which I take very seriously.

I would still be a bit concerned but take some comfort in the fact that there will be adult supervision by people who have been DBS checked, that safeguarding should have been factored into the planning and you can check it has been beforehand

No way, this is the complete opposite of what you should do! A DBS doesn't mean someone hasn't abused a child! I would be far more wary of a scout camp than a sleepover. Predators position themselves in jobs with access not just hoping their dc has a friend over to stay.

I knew two men during my childhood that later turned out to be Paedophiles. Both were good friends of my parents, absolutely lovely charming salt of the earth men, kind, funny, respectable jobs, married, one with his own children. Both men I could NEVER have dreamt would be a danger to children in a million years.

These dangerous men walk among us. And they are people that you know really well, people you trust, people you would never dream have this dark side to them.

As a consequence I will never risk my children having sleepovers at other people’s houses. Even close friends.

@Justgoodforthegetting and did most of them do their abusing on sleepovers?

@Blanknotebook I would send my dc to a house with a banned dog.

would not!

I completely understand if someone has experienced something horrific and I am truly sorry to all those that have.

Unfortunately I know women who were abused as children and it wasn’t at a sleepover.

There is a really difficult line between being cautious and letting kids experience fun things. I think in general kids are protected too much these days and stats tell us that horrific events don’t happen anymore than they used to. But everyone lives their own experience.

I let my kids have sleepovers and have had other kids sleep over. They have also done school residentials and scouts equivalent. And DoE.

I grew up in a town where a boy was kidnapped and murdered from a local mall so understand parental caution (and yes I don’t equate this to pedos) but it’s the balance . We wouldn’t ever go outside because of all the dangers either. Or leave kids with a sitter or let them walk to school alone. It’s an individual choice.

So sorry you went through that.

You’ve missed sibling on sibling sexual abuse too. It’s one no one wants to hear/think about. That happens in a child’s own home and sometimes sleepovers at other people’s homes are a protective measure!

My girl will be allowed sleepovers - at our house. Obviously her friend’s parents may have reservations and that’s ok. As a social worker, I have seen too many houses with poor home conditions, domestic violence, drugs, alcohol abuse, then of course there is the sex offenders. You can’t tell from just looking at someone, I have been in rich houses and poor houses, seemingly nice parents, outwardly horrible parents. You just don’t know and without being able to do a police background check, my answer will be a resounding no.

the two are not related.

that’s like saying I don’t use cycle helmets because I can swim so don’t need a buoyancy aid.

Have some empathy for the people on here who have suffered. Read the room.