What's wrong with sleepovers?

[PeatandDieselfan]

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

I think it’s a shame that there are so many paedophiles amongst us, Let a portion the blame where it’s due

You can say that about so many things though. My DD does trampolining and DS does gokarting. These are both dangerous things. So should they not do them? We take loads of risks in the name of fun.
DD loves sleepovers and I think has closer friendships because of it.

No. That stay was a one off because of my dad being in hospital and I was never alone with him again. When I did try to tell my mum some years later (after my Dad’s death, I believe a lot of kids don’t speak up until after the death of their parents) she just pursed her lips and said, ‘That sort of thing happens, don’t go trying to stir up trouble’.

I went NC with what was left of my family when I left home. Apart from that incident we were not at all a close family so that would have happened anyway.

Pizza? Oh no no no. Surely that's a choking hazard and horror videos could cause severe trauma!
Much better to keep at home wrapped up in cotton wool. Just in case.

We were banned from having sleepovers when I was a kid, my father was very strict and didn't want other kids in the house.
Therefore I am happy to host sleepovers for DD at our house starting in a couple of years (she's 7 now). She doesn't go to bed at the same time as most kids which would be my only concern.
I get it can be an inconvenience, but as you say OP it's short-lived in the grand scheme of things.
I had no idea so many people disliked sleepovers.

My 8 year old has sleepovers fairly often at a close friends house, their kids also sleep over at ours. We live a couple of streets away, the kids have grown up together, the dad is a life long friend of DH and I've been close friends with both the mum and dad for over 10 years. I trust them implicitly and they, us.
I will be far more hesitant when it's a school friend and I only know the parents to say hi to or make small talk

someone I know shared the “what’s wrong with sleepovers” post on Facebook but I know for certain she has been letting her kids sleep over at random friends’ houses since age 5! Ludicrous in my opinion

You joke but some people are genuinely like this with their children.

Look by all means disagree and take part in the conversation but there’s no need to be so flippant; many women have posted here having been sexual abused so have some empathy.

No I understand you perfectly and I’m not disagreeing that statistically speaking a child is more at risk in their own home.

But that's exactly what you did do... I strongly believe my dc are safe at my house & with their gps but statistically they are more at risk in their own home as I said.

if I was really thinking that my child is more likely to be abused or come to harm in my care than in someone else’s, that would be indicative of something…but not really an argument for sleepovers!

But the whole point is people don't often question & it's why it happens in plain sight. It's the unthinkable so people don't think about it.

but you are not honestly telling yourself that your child is safe to go because they are statistically more at risk at your own house?

The two families I have sleepovers with I trust, one I grew up with myself & the other we holiday every year with & used to be neighbours. I know them as well as I could, can I be 100% certain? No, but I can't be about family either. Do I think the benefits & relationships my dc get from these interactions outweighs the risk? yes. Am I saying it's fine to leave your 5 yr old with a family you barely know? Nope.

@IchBinPapst I'm sorry. I'm constantly shocked by some reactions by mothers to these most awful crimes but it doesn't seem uncommon.

After reading these arguments, I think I might advise my child, once she’s old enough, to never allow herself to be alone with an adult or her friends’ siblings, if they’re over a certain age/physical capability, and to speak out if anything should happen or if she’s made to feel uncomfortable. I’ll ask parents before sleepovers about their substance use habits, who all will be there on the night of a sleepover, and to inform me if any of that changes.

DD’s school, as well as the childcare centers at my church and gyms, never allow the children to be looked after by less than 2 adults as a safeguarding measure, and there’s windows into every room so that they can be looked in on by passersby in the halls. I think there’s safety in numbers, as predators are less likely to harm people if there’s a bigger chance they’ll get caught.

Having an accident doing an activity isn’t comparable to being raped as a child.

Sleepovers should be fun but some of us were abused or got really hurt on playdates / sleepovers as children and we are now far more wary as parents, ourselves. I might be overprotective of my DD now and in the future but I have suffered from psychosis due to an incident that happened on a playdate. I can't help but be anxious for my own child. However I'm not risk adverse and my DD regularly interacts and plays with other children in a supervised environment.

WTF, your mum swept it under the carpet!? Your poor sister x

Yep always men

Mostly but not always. Some mothers & females abuse too

I wouldn’t say it’s unheard of for a child to be sexually assaulted at a sleepover by an adult. But it’s less common. Usually an adult abusing a child has an ongoing and trusting relationship. The most common is a step parent (I suspect some predators target single parents for relationships) but it can also be a biological parent and then less usually someone with more limited access but still able to foster a relationship. That trusting/grooming relationship allows the adult to do things to a child that they wouldn’t necessarily entertain from a stranger or would be more likely to tell someone. I often see people say they won’t let their children have sleepovers but rarely I see people say they will never have a new partner after splitting from a husband. Because it’s not likely people will stay single forever and you feel much more secure if you feel like you know someone. But the reality is we can never really know people. The best you can do is make as good a risk assessment as you can. Teach your children about their bodies and try to make them feel safe to tell you anything. If you are concerned watch out for non verbal communication that something is wrong. Are they acting differently, out of the ordinary. This is usually the first way a child will tell you something has happened/is happening. Like with all things I think it’s ideal to strike a healthy balance between keeping them safe and allowing them to experience life. What that looks like for you might be different to the approaxh of someone else. Neither is necessarily wrong.

I’d cautiously suggest the biggest danger for grooming and abuse is via the phone they carry around.

2 separate people close to me were SA, in their own homes.
One by a trusted family friend visiting,
One by a visiting older child.

I knew both these people as well as the victims did.

There's no way to establish a safe list.

It's made me more aware and cautious as it has affected them for life

The worst issues my DC had at sleepovers was a bit of unpleasant behaviour from one of the other girls. I had to pick up a couple of times when DD felt uncomfortable for whatever reason, but it wasn't anythign to do with SA - just the girls being mean or her being a bit homesick.

DD was in Reception when she slept at a local friend's house - knew the parents well, etc. Friend was an only child. They lived about 3 mins walk away, same with DS, again stayed quite young and knew the family well.

There's always going to be risk, but you need to know the parents pretty well when they're young. SA can happen anywhere, at any time.

Neither did guides/cubs but they did do school trips away.

Unf peadophiles lurk everywhere so unless you're going to lock your DCs away for their whole lives there will always be risk. DCs' teacher was a paedophile and convicted when DS was still at school. I have come across a paedophile as well (not knowing he was when I met him) - he was also a teacher and actively abused pupils.

@LastPostISwear just giving her awareness of the risks will help.

'I wouldn’t say it’s unheard of for a child to be sexually assaulted at a sleepover by an adult. But it’s less common. Usually an adult abusing a child has an ongoing and trusting relationship'

Exactly.

We had a houseful of kids for years. At no point did my dh take a dc away from the group so I'm puzzled as to how any abuse occurs. The opportunity just is not there the kids are always together, usually being very loud.

Obviously parents decision but it’s a shame some are blanket no without asking for more information eg girls will be in a room with 3 others they are friends with, leaders don’t share rooms with children etc.
We have a system of building up slowly so younger ones one night away locally, bigger trips for older ones. They are optional but it’s a shame if parent anxiety is stopping them going.

I said that the reason for not allowing sleepovers was the (perceived) risk of SA, which it is.

Why make stuff up just to pick a fight?

Indeed. There have been several women nursery workers convicted of child abuse, not to mention all the female teachers who have 'affairs' with young boys. I'm not saying it as widespread as the other way round, but it does happen.

That trusting/grooming relationship allows the adult to do things to a child that they wouldn’t necessarily entertain from a stranger or would be more likely to tell someone

Exactly

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