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God I’ve got to tell someone they have a personal hygiene problem tomorrow

216 replies

Thedeuce · 27/05/2025 21:22

Please please please if you’ve ever had this convo before give me top tips. It’s a man not a female and it’s BO.

OP posts:
SecondVerseSameAsThe1st · 28/05/2025 04:56

CautiousLurker01 · 27/05/2025 22:01

Could you start by leaving a personal hygiene care package on their desk/locker, anonymously?

A good example of what not to do.

Doingmybest12 · 28/05/2025 05:01

Has anyone mentioned gum disease yet? I had this, completely unaware but my new dentist was brutal about how awful and smelly it was. Also for woman, hot weather, excessive period bleeding, containing it during a working day so as not to smell a bit.

Persianpaws · 28/05/2025 05:36

I worked in an office that was mostly full of men, I think out of 50 staff there were 2 women including me.

My boss was a blokey bloke “no nonsense” type of guy, he had a heart of gold but his previous job was managing construction workers so had no tact whatsoever.

I was in a VERY small office with a new staff member who stank to high heaven, I honestly expected to see flies buzzing round him. He told me he had “a foot condition” and he used to take his shoes off which made me retch.

This man smelt of damp, BO, grease, cheesy feet and just filth, I have quite a sensitive sense of smell so DP insisted it couldn’t be that bad. Dp came to bring me something at work and walked through the office door then stopped abruptly, I saw him trying to cover his nose! When I got home he confirmed it wasn’t me and that the smell was hideous.

I went to my boss who was the least tactful person, he begged me to tackle it but I refused so he agreed he’d say something.

The next day stinky staff member comes in wearing fresh clothes for the first time in weeks and there was a faint odour but it was tolerable, he also kept his shoes on. All was good for a few days but the clothes didn’t get changed and the smell started to permeate throughout the office again.

I went back to the boss who groaned but said he’d say something again, not sure what was said but again there was a period of a few days with no strong smells.

Two weeks later the smell was back with a vengeance and we had started to head into summer, members of the public visiting a different part of the building (where this staff member was working at times) started commenting on the smell. I swear it was spreading where he’d been and lingering, I really didn’t want to mention it again but I had to. I can’t explain how bad it was but it was the sort of smell you imagine you can still smell on you later as though your senses have a form of PTSD!

I spoke to the boss again who said I must have a personal vendetta and refused to believe this staff member had ignored these warnings and no one would want to keep being humiliated, he said he’d had no medical reasons behind it and had agreed to basically just wash. I told him to visit my office and see for himself…

My boss walked into that office and the look on his face said it all, he covered his nose and mouth then stormed out to his car.
He came marching in a few minutes later with a deodorant (obviously his personal one from his car) and slammed it on the desk, he waited till staff member was off the phone then said “TRISTEN! You SMELLY CUNT use this and have a wash or I’ll sack you. Put your shoes BACK ON and you need to wash REGULARLY not just when I bollock you!”

i thought the poor guy would be offended but he put his shoes back on and smelt himself and looked confused like he couldn’t smell anything.
This was May 2018 and he left by the end of June saying he was moving in with a woman he met online who lived 200 miles away. I’ve not seen him since but I wonder if this women smelt him before she invited him to live with her?

As far as I know he had no mental health issues and wasn’t neurodivergent, I am ND and so he knew he wouldn’t be judged or criticised. He might have been unaware or wanted to kept it quiet, I think he just didn’t give a shit.

I think sometimes some people require things spelling out properly, the majority of the time it’s a highly sensitive subject.

Just make it clear OP that you expect a better standard of hygiene and the absence of stench to be longer than a few days. You don’t want someone to think just washing once solves the issue!
I do think in some cases you need to be quite blunt as skirting around it can cause more embarrassment, I do believe some people aren’t taught about hygiene and washing so you might need to educate them.
It’s not nice to work with someone who stinks so I hope you sort it!

heidyho · 28/05/2025 05:42

I worked in an office with a guy whose feet absolutely stunk. It was so disgusting having to sit there for 8 hrs per day with a putrid stench. Nobody ever said anything to him because he was a nice guy and well liked. I often wondered if he was oblivious to it or whether he just didn't care. I would not like to have been pregnant back then because any sort of smell made me vomit. Sometimes you need to be cruel to he kind. A loud, obnoxious person saying it would probably be less hurtful if you can pass the book!

Haretodaybadgertomorrow · 28/05/2025 05:43

Good luck today op.

I had to do this once when my weasel cowardly (male) boss decided to leave a note on the poor person’s desk.

Be professional but say you are finding it difficult to bring up because it’s a sensitive matter and you don’t want to cause them upset.

Take the welfare angle.

Most of all be kind.

And remember that people can be depressed, or literally have illnesses which make them smell.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22356-trimethylaminuria-fish-odor-syndrome

^^ This is an endocrine disorder for example.

What Is Trimethylaminuria?

It’s an uncommon metabolic disorder that makes you smell like rotten fish. Learn more here:

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22356-trimethylaminuria-fish-odor-syndrome

Lampros · 28/05/2025 05:46

I think the difference is if someone is told that and wants to listen to want to change. For me, I knew I needed to change and get help. I had that support. For other people it might be different. That's all.

user1492757084 · 28/05/2025 05:53

Possibly it will be easiler if you make out it is a recent change that has been noticed.
Act like he can rectify it easily enough. Give him some solutions and empower him to research and try outmore.

Give him a tangible gift pack ...clothes detergent, Perspex, soap, face washers, 2 x pairs of new woollen socks, bubble bath, a list from a chemist shop or site about what tips everyone can do to combat BO. Suggest a visit to his GP (and time off for the appointment) to have a check if something about his health has recently changed causing BO.

Ask if he if finding it hard to dry his clothes?
Offer a handful of coins to see if using a dryer at a laundomat could finish off the drying successfully.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 28/05/2025 05:54

Thedeuce · 27/05/2025 21:51

Oh this is EXCELLENT. Thank you

I wouldn't use this as it brings in more people, which suggests talking behind his back.
Wouldn't ask about having been told before either as that suggests he didn't bother to do anything about it.

Just address the issue.

Someone once told me my breath wasn't so fresh by offering me a mint and saying how she has it too if she wakes up early.

Took out the embarrassment as she was kind enough to say it, offer a solution and finish off with more kindness.

So essentially the bad news sandwich.

bloodredfeaturewall · 28/05/2025 05:57

it's not pleasant.
a small positive story though - had this talk with a person I manage and they were very relieved as they had a medical condition. we were able to arrange a wfh agreement with oh for days when the condition, and therefore smell, was worst.

navelgazing · 28/05/2025 06:06

Zippp · 27/05/2025 21:45

Yes. Get the message out quickly and simply and also have it in an email to follow.

This conversation is about hygiene, and maintaining hygiene standards in the office. Sorry to have to say your body odour is consistently noticeable and unpleasant for co-workers.

Are there and health issues behind this, or any difficulties at home which get in the way of you washing yourself or your clothes?

(possible referral to Occ Health if health issues, possible welfare assistance if member of staff is experiencing homelessness etc.)

(And line for email, in case you need to take this back to HR later: keen to resolve situation as it’s unpleasant for co-workers and doesn’t reflect well on the organisation when people are visiting.)

Every single paragraph is awful advice!

Cuppa2sugars · 28/05/2025 06:16

Maybe he’s nose blind and doesn’t realise he stinks !
Ask him if he’s noticed an aroma, then take it from there depending on his reaction. Be gentle and kind.

good luck, let us know how it goes.

I think end of the day is a good time to tell him.

2Magpies24 · 28/05/2025 07:05

I wonder if it would be better to phrase it that only a couple of people have noticed, rather than make it sound like the whole office is talking about them/gagging behind their backs?

Salome61 · 28/05/2025 07:10

Good luck, I hope the person took it well . Brings back a terrible memory for me, I was teaching on a 'TOPS' female only adult scheme in Fulham many moons ago, think I was 23. The group was split into 'cliques', and I was asked to speak to someone who wasn't in a 'clique' about her body odour.

I called the student in to a private room, spoke to her, she looked so angry and shocked and shot out of her chair and back to the classroom where she attacked the girl she thought had reported her. By the time I got there they'd pulled each others earrings through, blood everywhere, was so bad. I got the administrator to help and she slapped them both round the face to stop the fight, I was really out of my comfort zone.

NeedToChangeName · 28/05/2025 07:24

CautiousLurker01 · 27/05/2025 22:01

Could you start by leaving a personal hygiene care package on their desk/locker, anonymously?

This would be cruel, if they thought it was mocking them and they don't know who sent it

Better to be kind, sympathetic and direct

NeedToChangeName · 28/05/2025 07:31

2Magpies24 · 28/05/2025 07:05

I wonder if it would be better to phrase it that only a couple of people have noticed, rather than make it sound like the whole office is talking about them/gagging behind their backs?

This is good

Weepixie · 28/05/2025 07:34

HeyWiggle · 27/05/2025 21:47

Some people with autism struggle to shower/wash due to sensory issues

That’s fine, and as the mum of a young man who’s severely autistic (amongst other things) I have no qualms at all saying that an autistic persons needs do not trump everyone else’s when it comes to this kind of unpleasantness and trying to solve the problem should always be the goal. it doesn’t have to mean full on showers every day/twice a day but there are many ways around this problem and not trying to fix it is a cop out.

cumbriaisbest · 28/05/2025 07:49

I don't see what's wrong with the leave some toiletries in the locker type of scenario.
As a starter.
The person may pick up on the hint and respond.

Starseeking · 28/05/2025 07:53

I had to have this conversation with a man who reported into me once, as someone else complained about his BO to me.

I kept it factual, and also gentle as it must be very difficult for someone to hear this from their line manager.

There were no other issues from that day, so he must have changed something in his routine.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 28/05/2025 07:57

TonTonMacoute · 27/05/2025 22:20

ChatGPT is your friend here!

The advice from managers who have been in this situation which OP has got by posting here is a whole lot more useful. AI is not a cure all.

OhHellolittleone · 28/05/2025 08:00

Thedeuce · 27/05/2025 21:51

Oh this is EXCELLENT. Thank you

I’d leave out the bit about ‘impacting the team’ and only bring that up if there is any pushback or ‘well no one else has an issue with me!’.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 28/05/2025 08:01

cumbriaisbest · 28/05/2025 07:49

I don't see what's wrong with the leave some toiletries in the locker type of scenario.
As a starter.
The person may pick up on the hint and respond.

Because it has got to the stage where it needs to be dealt with - so there has to be a recorded conversation.

Because as part of this the OP has to establish there aren’t medical / mental health / poor housing issues, as part of the employers duty of care

Because leaving a bag of toiletries could easily comes across as bullying (who left this? Why? Is everyone talking about me?) so while some people may take the hint, it’s more likely to cause worry or simply be ignored, given the fact the person doesn’t seem to understand how to wash regularly as it is

Because will likely extend what is already a tricky process

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 28/05/2025 08:12

I had to do this years ago. I wrote a hand written letter and handed it to her as she went off for the weekend. I was sweet about it and she called me on the Sunday morning to ask if everyone was talking about her. I said no, it had been flagged by a few members only and if she sorted it, I would not tolerate it being mentioned again.

At a later job, I worked in a small team and a guy a bit younger than me but above me, used to wear baggy cord trousers that were actually very very pale brown but as he wore them daily for months without washing them or himself, they became darker and darker and darker and greasier looking and his hair stuck to his head more and more. He absolutely reeked and clients had to be in a small office with him, godblessem.

A group of us tackled the management about getting this sorted as it was gagworthy in the summer months and the management spoke to him on the monthly and it made no difference but eventually gave us all carte blanche to state to this person's face how offensive he was to be around. It still made no difference. He had the skin of a rhino. He was headhunted and left but lost the job after 8 weeks and came back.

So glad I'm away from that job as some people aren't aware of it but some just do not care. He didn't care about a lot of things that he should have cared about though.

fungibletoken · 28/05/2025 08:16

No to any suggestion of giving them personal care products. It's unlikely as simple as them not having thought to put on deodorant and being grateful for the nudge.

I still remember a birthday towards the end of primary school and a big group all individually got me bottles of body spray and gave them to me publicly. My BO wasn't any better or worse than anyone else just starting to go through puberty but someone must have brought it up and everyone latched on. The public element wasn't even that bad - it was the idea that everyone had been talking about it behind my back and this was being presented as some friendly gesture.

navelgazing · 28/05/2025 08:16

Salome61 · 28/05/2025 07:10

Good luck, I hope the person took it well . Brings back a terrible memory for me, I was teaching on a 'TOPS' female only adult scheme in Fulham many moons ago, think I was 23. The group was split into 'cliques', and I was asked to speak to someone who wasn't in a 'clique' about her body odour.

I called the student in to a private room, spoke to her, she looked so angry and shocked and shot out of her chair and back to the classroom where she attacked the girl she thought had reported her. By the time I got there they'd pulled each others earrings through, blood everywhere, was so bad. I got the administrator to help and she slapped them both round the face to stop the fight, I was really out of my comfort zone.

Oh my gosh. Smelly AND aggressive 😅

IthasYes · 28/05/2025 08:21

@Persianpaws how utterly revolting for you, how dreadful

Some people have never been taught to try and be sociable and not impact other people.

I couldn't have coped.