God I’ve got to tell someone they have a personal hygiene problem tomorrow

[Thedeuce]

Please please please if you’ve ever had this convo before give me top tips. It’s a man not a female and it’s BO.

I assume this is a workplace, though, so a minimal level of not inflicting your smell on others is needed.

I don’t think many workplaces would have “everyone just tolerating BO” as a reasonable adjustment.

Every issue which could become an HR problem needs to be followed up with an email. What do you do if the employee doesn’t address the BO? Keep asking nicely while the rest of the office is affected by it?

They need to be told compassionately and given the tools to fix it, but if it’s something that’s adversely affecting the organisation it needs to be put in writing so that you have a record of attempting to address it informally before you go through formal processes.

Again really helpful thank you

Agree.
Everyone deserves a pleasant working environment.

I work with a lad who is amazing,lovely and a heart of gold

He stank

It was strong enough to strip the skin off your lungs

A cross between B.O and vinegar

Someone had a word and it was because he was busy doing up a farm house,had just become a dad,wasn't washing his clothes enough,(and on a low temp,low cycle to save money) was using shower gel (when he did wash) and wasn't using deodorant

He started washing with soap,washing his clothes properly and uses deodorant

I adore this lad but Jesus,you could smell him as you walked into the building-you knew where he'd been as you could smell it

My ex smelt exactly the same (once we'd broken up and he seemed to give up)

In his case it was he didn't shower or wash his clothes

He couldn't smell himself so didn't think it was a problem

He has been known to go 10 weeks between showers and wears the same pants and socks for a month

I did tactfully tell him but he didn't give a stuff-he wasn't bothered when our ds (then aged about 9) told him he stank-he just laughed

Revolting

Could you start by leaving a personal hygiene care package on their desk/locker, anonymously?

I do get why pps are saying not to mention hygiene BUT you do need to be clear

please don’t leave him in any doubt that he smells and action is required. I once failed spectacularly at delivering a similar message and only embarrassed myself and confused the recipient as I felt I was being kinder not to say directly that she needed to get her eyes tested/a magnifying mirror to do her makeup - the orange tide mark and misplaced eyeliner had been commented on by staff and customers. Instead I waffled on about professional presentation standards- I’m embarrassed even now!

its kind to be clear https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/

From the other side of the coin.... This was me 30 years ago, in my 20s. I had an inherited kidney issue and was awaiting surgery. I knew I had a body odour and the panic of not being able to do much about it, made it worse.

Unbeknown to me, my manager called in HR from Head Office who travelled from Milton Keynes to London to tell me about it. It was dressed up as 'Could you take your shorthand notebook to this meeting,' disguised as these visitors from HR need your secretarial assistance. This was to divert attention from others in an open plan office.

So, still unaware and sitting there ready to take notes, these two ladies brought up the subject of body odour. It was not end of day, and a total shock made worse by the fact these ladies were so glamorous, I felt like total shit in their company.

I was mortified, truly mortified. We discussed home arrangements, washing machines, cotton clothing, soaps, etc and then my medical issue. I went to the toilets, sat in a cubicle and cried. I could not look my manager in the face again, and left soon afterwards. Had my surgery, got another job and the issue never presented itself again. Plus, I make 100 per cent sure it won't.

There's a way to do this, and the HR ladies ignored sensitivity and went barging in. I still cringe. Don't be that person!

Ok, but that doesn't mean they just don't have to do it. When it impacts other people (who maybe struggle with smelling others' BO) you have to adapt even if it's hard for you.

DONT do this.

Better to own it and say that you’ve noticed the smell rather than say it’s unpleasant for all his coworkers. It will be 10 times worse if he thinks everyone’s been discussing it!

Agree, because they won’t take the hint. You need to be direct. When I had to do it, I was very straightforward, mentioned I didn’t think it was him, rather his clothes and was he changing clothes daily? Turns out he thought applying deodorant was enough but stale clothes that weren’t washed was the issue.

@Thedeuce Make a couple of signs and laminate them! "Be nice to be near" next to the signs place some mens and womens antiperspirants. get some petty cash to cover this. and maybe start a loud conversation when smelly is in the room about this or that kind of deodorant

Had to deal with this in the 1990's when HR was nowhere what it is today (thankfully in some cases) - OP has had some excellent respsonses here and I hope it goes well.

That is terrible advice and could come across as bullying (as cowardly approaches often do).

Don’t do this.

Interesting, I've found the opposite with friends on the spectrum. Showering a lot and keeping their look the same hair wise with frequent washes

Excellent advice here OP. Good luck.

ChatGPT is your friend here!

what???????????? NO

Had this with a lady I worked with 10 years ago. She bathed once a week, thought it was normal. Things would get worse around her period. She gave me a lift once, her car was unbelievable. She was lovely but after a particularly warm spell we had to say something kindly to our manager.
He had the most awkward conversation with her about it. Such a shame as she was really upset. But things did improve after that.
Horrible position to be in, just have to try and be kind.

I asked ChatGPT about this recently to see if it was decent at things like this. It was really good, gave lots of ideas that sounded kind but firm.

Someone I know had to have a similar conversation with a student. He was 16 or 17 and like the woman you describe, he hadn’t been taught. She bought him a little kit for him to use before school and had to teach him to brush his teeth as he didn’t really know how to.

Such a useful thread. Thank you op!

I came to post the same thing. I think she demonstrates how to handle difficult conversations really well.