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God I’ve got to tell someone they have a personal hygiene problem tomorrow

216 replies

Thedeuce · 27/05/2025 21:22

Please please please if you’ve ever had this convo before give me top tips. It’s a man not a female and it’s BO.

OP posts:
Chickensky · 28/05/2025 00:07

Defiantlynot41 · 27/05/2025 22:03

I do get why pps are saying not to mention hygiene BUT you do need to be clear

please don’t leave him in any doubt that he smells and action is required. I once failed spectacularly at delivering a similar message and only embarrassed myself and confused the recipient as I felt I was being kinder not to say directly that she needed to get her eyes tested/a magnifying mirror to do her makeup - the orange tide mark and misplaced eyeliner had been commented on by staff and customers. Instead I waffled on about professional presentation standards- I’m embarrassed even now!

its kind to be clear https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/

Really? People customer's commented on your employee's make up? I understand the phrase tide mark but I seriously want to know in what situation comparable to OP customers would make this complaint?

Chickensky · 28/05/2025 00:12

Chickensky · 28/05/2025 00:07

Really? People customer's commented on your employee's make up? I understand the phrase tide mark but I seriously want to know in what situation comparable to OP customers would make this complaint?

Edited

Or actually not compared to OP statement that customers are mentioning / complaining about your employees make up? I'm genuinely curious?

TunipTheVegimal24 · 28/05/2025 00:43

Glitchymn1 · 27/05/2025 21:42

Yup- I have.
BO - female. Aware of her odour but unwilling to do much about it. Brought up not to care, one bath a week. Horrified by the thought of washing clothes daily, same underwear for the week. She resorted to deodorant - but it doesn’t really last, also left soon after. Lovely woman, heart of gold but absolutely stunk.

I think for some people it’s really hard, they sweat alot, not washing clothes on high temperatures, drying clothes around the house, not washing bodies or hair every day or at least not properly, maybe too tired, depressed, just find it difficult, poor sense of smell maybe.

Same underwear... FOR THE WEEK????? 😱

She can't possibly have had a heart of gold if she subjected people to that! A nose of steel, perhaps.

BluePandaCool · 28/05/2025 00:48

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BluePandaCool · 28/05/2025 00:50

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ClairDeLaLune · 28/05/2025 00:50

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/05/2025 21:40

OP don't use the word hygiene.

It implies they are dirty. They may instead have a medical condition which is not their fault.

I would say, "I need to have a conversation with you about a personal issue. I am really sorry I am having to do this as you are a great colleague and I don't want to make you feel embarrassed. But it is impacting other members of the team. You sometimes smell quite strong. Have you ever been told that before?"

Say it as kindly as possible and then give them chance to say their piece.

But don't assume they don't know how to operate a washing machine. I mean, they might not. But wait for that to become clear.

This is excellent except I wouldn’t say it’s impacting other members of the team as they might then think everyone has been talking about them. As a manager you should just be talking from your own perspective, not others’. I would just say it’s noticeable in the office.

Good luck OP.

Worriedmotheroftwo · 28/05/2025 00:58

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/05/2025 21:40

OP don't use the word hygiene.

It implies they are dirty. They may instead have a medical condition which is not their fault.

I would say, "I need to have a conversation with you about a personal issue. I am really sorry I am having to do this as you are a great colleague and I don't want to make you feel embarrassed. But it is impacting other members of the team. You sometimes smell quite strong. Have you ever been told that before?"

Say it as kindly as possible and then give them chance to say their piece.

But don't assume they don't know how to operate a washing machine. I mean, they might not. But wait for that to become clear.

This. I had terrible issues in my teens and tried everything. It was mortifying. Thankfully I discovered driclor, and eventually the issue stopped (guess it was hormonal). But the idea of people thinking it was my fault for not washing properly would have finished me off. Please please tread really gently. Offer to support, and discuss things they've already tried and could try.

Worriedmotheroftwo · 28/05/2025 00:59

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People who smell aren't showering properly

NO. You are wrong. That might be true for some, but not for everyone. Please don't make hurtful assumptions like that.

BluePandaCool · 28/05/2025 01:05

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KievLoverTwo · 28/05/2025 01:18

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Good lord. This post is so full of wrong that I actually had to leave my bed at 1am to go and sit on my desktop PC in order to reply to you.

For someone who claims to have autism and ADHD you sure don't seem to know jack shit about either condition.

On the autism front, I'll concede that there's a particular aspect of autism in some people that has them think they are RIGHT about ALL OF THE THINGS all of the time. You seem to have that in bundles!

I should know; I was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder many, many years before it twigged that I'm almost certainly autistic. It used to make me think I was right about everything all the time too. I told a bunch of friends about this diagnosis (97% certainty off the back of some 200 question personality test at a mental health trust) who said 'huh? Well, you're opinionated, but that? Nah, you're way too thoughtful.'

ALL OF THESE THINGS AFFECT DIFFERENT PEOPLE DIFFERENTLY.

Do you think the majority of the population really want to stand in the shower and scrub their armpits for 15 minutes straight? Hell no. Baths and showers bore me to tears, and I want to be in and out in 5 minutes flat. I'm happy to use deodorant

OTHER PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE YOUR DISCIPLINE

That's the way it works you see, because brains are different.

Let me tell you it took me two years to 'condition' my ADHD partner into remembering how to shower then dry then use deodorant and then wait. In the course of those two years I had to throw out a dozen of his favourite new shirts out where he'd keep forgetting and the smell was so bad that after two 60 degree washes it would still stink when I ironed them. You really think a grown arse man wants that level of humiliation in his life? And throwing away some of his most favourite things?

Prior to that it took me about a year, including numerous huge, handwritten signs in the bathroom to get him to stop wiping his toothpaste laden mouth on our hand towels every day.

There are so many more examples I could give you but it's honestly stressful just writing up two; take my word for it, people with INATTENTIVE ADHD have very little control over what they do and don't remember. Before we got together, I'd message him each morning and he'd say he was tired because he'd forgotten to go to bed.

Huh? Come again?

No. Literally forgot to keep checking the time to make sure he wasn't up past midnight. Many, many times. It had never occurred to him to set a reminder of when he should be going to sleep, because, again, inattentive ADHD - and he couldn't bear to have a clock in the room because of light sensitivity/not tolerating ticking sounds (autism). It really does seem to wipe out the best of common sense a lot of the time with my other half.

So, please, before you judge everyone in the world on the spectrum to be EXACTLY the same as you, with exactly the same capabilities, please go away and learn more about your various conditions, because you spouting this absolute bs off in a thread with various people who have ADHD relatives, who, I have to say, genuinely have to suffer on a daily basis to cope with their loved one's conditions, is deeply, deeply insulting and upsetting.

And, if you can't be bothered to learn, do the world a favour and just scroll past the threads and resist the temptation to comment.

"Everyone can do it because I can do it and anyone who does not is just lazier than me" is possibly the weakest argument I've ever read on the internet.

BluePandaCool · 28/05/2025 01:21

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Legend1 · 28/05/2025 01:28

use soap.

BluePandaCool · 28/05/2025 01:33

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Sunshineonbluebells · 28/05/2025 02:02

Wtf do we, as woman, have to "educate' male co wokers about personal Hygiene

Just wtf?

Sort your self out, Men.

Just like we Woman have to, including dealing with a lot more potentially "smelly" stuff;

Lampros · 28/05/2025 03:26

I would like just to say to those posters who are commenting about depression. I understand that a lot has been attributed to "mental health" because I can talk about it now it doesn't mean it's not still there. I got help i needed, so many people don't. When I say I couldn't shower and wash myself, it's not because I'm lazy! It's so much more complicated than that. It makes no sense and it's so hard ro describe why, so I completely understand why people don't understand but please don't disregard people who have had that experience

Lampros · 28/05/2025 03:39

I just didn't want to. I do know but at the time it's not laziness it's self neglect.

Todayisaday · 28/05/2025 03:39

Once i used a certain deoderant, it was a branded natural kne and it made me smell of really strong BO, I have nevwr every smeled of BO even if ai dont wear deoderant but with this brand I absolutely did smell awful.

GreenFriedTomato · 28/05/2025 03:59

To the PP who stated that depression is no excuse for not washing properly, I'd suggest that their depression is mild and/or they know very little about the condition.
At my lowest, I would go +1 week without showering. I felt physically unable to drag myself into the shower and didn't care either. I only did so when it became unbearably uncomfortable.
Conversely when I'm doing well, I am very fastidious about my hygiene. Like other pp, I have noticed that my body odour is stronger post-menopause so I have to wash and apply deodorant more frequently.

Years ago, I had a very persistent case of BV that lasted for months. It was truly awful and imo more embarrassing than general body odour as everyone knows where that particular smell is coming from. I was constantly going to the toilet at work and washing with a portable bidet. No one ever commented but if I could smell it I'm sure others could too.

When my male housemate first moved in with me he stank. Every time I got in his care, the smell of musty BO hit me and I gently brought it up a few times. He said he showered daily (true) and used deodorant (true) and that no one else had mentioned it so maybe I was imagining things. When the smell persisted, I told him outright he stank and to go to the doctor.
It came out in the conversation that he wasn't using soap or any type of body wash, and was just showering with water! He didn't seem to understand that water alone wouldn't eliminate grease and sweat.
He has a skin condition (not psoriasis but similar) and had always been told that washing with soap would make it worse.
I suggested he try a soap for sensitive skin and once he started using it, no more smelly housemate.
He was truly unaware that his odour was so bad, but the one thing I didn't understand is how his ex-wife of 25 years had never said anything. A 5 minute car journey was bad enough- sharing a bed must have been awful.

BluePandaCool · 28/05/2025 04:03

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GreenFriedTomato · 28/05/2025 04:11

I wouldn't say disgusting. He was simply (if rather ignorantly) just doing what he had been advised. Additionally as no one in his household, friends or colleagues had commented or told him he ponged he never realised

I do find it hard to believe that I was the first person to ever tell him. But then again, and as seen in this thread, it's a conversation many people avoid.
His wife or kids could have said something though. Very strange

BluePandaCool · 28/05/2025 04:14

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GreenFriedTomato · 28/05/2025 04:22

Well I agree with that. I said as much. 'how on earth do you think water alone will dissolve dirt and sweat? etc'.
I was surprised a grown man wouldn't know that. But again, his wife never said anything in decades? Maybe she had no sense of smell or didn't notice it either.
Some of his habits are disgusting though. Like taking a dump and then leaving the bathroom door open so it wafts into the rest of the house. I'm forever telling him to close the damn door. And open the windows in his room cause his smelly shoes stink the place out. It's like living with a teenage boy.
It's not a work situation though so I'm not very kind about it. I just end up shouting at him that he fkn stinks and it's not fair on me
I've known women with hygiene issues but far more men. Is it more of a man thing?

BluePandaCool · 28/05/2025 04:26

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User2446433 · 28/05/2025 04:49

Hi op I knew someone like this. They smelled more of 'feet' than bo of that makes sense. It was a sweat gland issue and they needed strong medication I heard. It was really difficult being around them. I also used to work with someone who was a loud and proud office nose picker. The manager needed to have a private word with them because it was freaking people out. The nose picker wasn't aware they were doing it! I think as long as you say it's been noticed by the team, we all have to work together and respect each other's space etc then it should land ok.

LHR2JFK · 28/05/2025 04:55

CautiousLurker01 · 27/05/2025 22:01

Could you start by leaving a personal hygiene care package on their desk/locker, anonymously?

No!of course not. In a workplace this action would be bullying.

The expectation on managers is that they will manage. This means you deal with the situation professionally, kindly but directly.

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