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Original poster

DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

244 replies

StuckInbetween · 20/05/2025 16:53

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

OP posts:
Orangemintcream · 20/05/2025 16:56

You cannot invite a violent ex addict into your home with a 3 year old.

You must know this. It is a major major safeguarding risk.

You can support him without putting your other child at risk.

FortyElephants · 20/05/2025 16:57

You can't bring him in the house with your child. His probation worker wouldn't agree to it, and if they did, they would refer you to social services. It's just a non starter.

DeSoleil · 20/05/2025 16:57

If it was just you then you could have him back in your home but sadly not now when you have a young child he could be jealous of and a partner who he doesn’t know and inevitably they will clash.

You can support him and meet him but he just can’t live with you again. He’s only been out a short time and needs to be settled in a job and to have matured and not drink and take drugs.

It’s going to be hard for him to step up and be a man but if he wants it enough, he can do it.

Platespace · 20/05/2025 16:58

This must be incredibly hard, but you can't have him home with a 3yo. What I would do is give him loads if time and attention outside of the home and I'd ask partner to step up with the LO to facilitate that.

BotterMon · 20/05/2025 17:00

Your partner is right. You can support your older DS without him living with you.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/05/2025 17:01

You obviously cannot bring this man back in your home, you have 2 children and one of them is an innocent child, it is your duty to protect that one and you know it. Your adult son will have to work things out on his own

TheMimsy · 20/05/2025 17:01

He can’t come home.

he can regain and rebuild a relationship with you (and eventually his sibling oh he/you want that) outside of the home.

he can volunteer to learn new skills and get references etc.

he can access community resources and charities that help people like him.

he can push his probation and others for more help.

he can see if their are groups for ex addicts and if they can help. Some have sports teams, games nights and days out.

it is hard. But it’s early days and can get better.

let him know how much he’s loved.

You can love someone but still need to set boundaries to protect yourself and others. He really cannot come home.

Noshadelamp · 20/05/2025 17:04

Has your ds specifically asked to live with you?

RogueMandible · 20/05/2025 17:05

Noshadelamp · 20/05/2025 17:04

Has your ds specifically asked to live with you?

Yes, this was my question.

LandSharksAnonymous · 20/05/2025 17:06

You have two choices:

  1. Continue as you are, your DS stays away from the family home and you protect your youngest.
  2. You overrule your partner and bring your DS back home.

I have to be frank, OP, if you do the second...if I were your partner I'd move out and I'd take the youngest with me - violent, ex-drug addicts, do not belong around toddlers. Not only is it a huge safeguarding risk, it's just a mistake that doesn't need to be made.

I get it, he's your son. But he was an adult when he made the choices he did and he has a choice now, your toddler has no choice and no voice. Your partner is 100% spot on and is advocating for your child who you still have to protect, as should you.

FortyElephants · 20/05/2025 17:08

She can't bring her son back home. If you're on probation you have to have any change of address approved. His probation worker isn't likely to approve this even if her DH agreed.

Sirzy · 20/05/2025 17:08

You recognise the impact his father’s issues had on your eldest son and the knock on of that. If you let him move in with you then you run the risk of history repeating with your youngest. He doesn’t need to be exposed to that.

You can support your eldest without him moving in with you.

DurhamDurham · 20/05/2025 17:10

I think I agree with your partner. He can’t come home; it’s too early and he needs to demonstrate he has changed. It wouldn’t be fair on your 3 year old to have such an unpredictable adult in the house.

Thats not to say you can’t support him, you absolutely can, as much as you want to but don’t jeopardise your relationship and your small child while you’re doing it.

Lots or good luck, hope your son gets the support he needs to turn his life around.

Leo800 · 20/05/2025 17:10

You have to protect your 3 year old. Your older son is an adult & needs to stand on his own two feet. You can support him from afar.

MarySueSaidBoo · 20/05/2025 17:10

He's now sadly facing the consequences of his actions. You can love and support him without bringing his chaos into your home though.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/05/2025 17:11

FortyElephants · 20/05/2025 16:57

You can't bring him in the house with your child. His probation worker wouldn't agree to it, and if they did, they would refer you to social services. It's just a non starter.

This basically.

It’s not a viable option, and even if it was I can’t understand why you’d risk another son growing up around a violent man, nevermind an addict. You’d be inviting history to repeat itself.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 20/05/2025 17:11

YABU. You have a small child at home and you know you can’t bring an addict into their safe place. Your partner is right, and you know he is. It shouldn’t be tense with your partner because it’s not his fault, it’s your son’s. I get you want to help him, of course you do but you can’t put your toddler at risk (of violence, or exposure to drugs) in order to do so. Please don’t blame your partner, he just wants to protect his child too. I say this with sympathy 💐

Lindy2 · 20/05/2025 17:12

I don't think your older son should come and live with you. You need to prioritise your 3 year old who has no other options than to live there. Your 3 year old has a right to be safe in their home.

Your 20 year old is an adult. He's made some very bad decisions and there are consequences.

You can support him though without him living with you. Help him find a job and rent somewhere to live. If you help him find his feet with work and accommodation then you've given him the framework to turn his life around. Whether he does or not is then entirely up to him.

Sosigsandwich · 20/05/2025 17:12

Orangemintcream · 20/05/2025 16:56

You cannot invite a violent ex addict into your home with a 3 year old.

You must know this. It is a major major safeguarding risk.

You can support him without putting your other child at risk.

100% this. How could you even consider it with a toddler in the house?!

Noshadelamp · 20/05/2025 17:12

RogueMandible · 20/05/2025 17:05

Yes, this was my question.

Show quote history

It wasn't clear in your op if he specifically asked. You said you wanted him to come home but that didn't mean he necessarily asked.

So he's waiting for a response from you?
Can he see that having a young child and a dp now means it's not solely up to you?

I think his reaction to you saying he can't stay with you will show you whether or not he's changed.

Like pp have said, you can support him and show you care without having him live with you.

amybabysa · 20/05/2025 17:13

Sorry no. I am a recovering addict and 100% you must put your younger child before your son.

Simonjt · 20/05/2025 17:13

As he is on probation a change of address would need to be approved, could you help him find a bedsit and then spend one night per week with him at his bed sit?

Unfortunately due to the way he chose to behave we know he isn’t a safe adult, so you can’t bring him into the home of a three year old, as he has previously assaulted you are there any conditions on him spending time with you?

Gekas · 20/05/2025 17:13

Yabu you have a small child you need to think about and if my partner was so insistent that they were going to be bringing someone so violent home id be moving outZ

socks1107 · 20/05/2025 17:30

your younger child cannot be exposed to him on that level in the same house.
Im sorry I understand, but I wouldn’t have someone like that in my house around children

blacksax · 20/05/2025 17:31

I'm sorry, you must be beside yourself but I agree with everyone else.