DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

[StuckInbetween]

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

This is so hard OP as he would have the best chance with you. However, having a 3 year old means you have have a vulnerable person in the house. Your son has proved to be both violent and dangerous. If I was your husband, I’d have the same stance. I’m so sorry OP

No I would not have him back at this point. Your partner is right. Find as many other ways as you can to support him but don’t move him in.

Thank god for your partner.

I’m afraid lm with your partner, you have a young child and your eldest doesn’t sound like he should be living with you all. Your son needs to do some work on himself and his life, rather than doing the “woe is me” routine

If he were at uni then he wouldn’t be living with you. Help him to find volunteering, mental health, job opportunities. Help him get a small flat or house share. Take him for meals and give him meals to heat up. He probably doesn’t have the skills. He has missed 3 years of his life. He needs to build skills. I hope he will be okay.

Moving back in doesn't sound like a godo option but surely you can support him in other ways? for example, arrange to meet up with him regularly. Offer practical support. Help him with job applications. Take him shopping and to activities you can enjoy together. Listen. here you can, offer other support.

I’m so sorry op, but everyone is right. You can’t have him living with you, your partner is absolutely right. Help and support from a distance of course, but this lad needs to take responsibility for his life and his actions.

Even without the 3 year old it would be a no until trust and a relationship is slowly built up again.

As you have a small child there is no way he can move back your dh is right.

Thanks to everyone who’s replied, I do get what you’re all saying and I know my 3yo has to come first. I’m not saying he doesn’t. DS2 is my whole world and I’d never put him in danger, that’s not even a question.

Just to be clear – DS1 hasn’t actually asked to come back here. I was the one thinking it might be better than the hostel he’s in now. I’ve not brought it up to him. It’s rough where he is and I don’t think it’s helping him stay on the right path. I thought if he had some stability, it might make a difference.

I’ve been with DP since DS1 was about 8, and they did used to get on before everything went pear-shaped. DP stepped up loads when DS1 was younger. But now he wants nothing to do with him, says I shouldn’t either – reckons he’s made his bed and that I’m soft for even talking to him. He doesn’t even think I should be meeting up with him.

I can’t help but feel like it’s partly my fault. When DS1 was little, I raised him on my own till he was about 11, his dad had no contact back then. But when his dad came back into the picture, everything changed. He started blaming me for stuff, saying I kept him away from his dad, just got angrier over time. If I’d fought harder to keep him with me maybe things would’ve been different. But I didn’t know what to do at the time. He was angry and lashing out and I thought maybe his dad could reach him better than I could.

When he hit me, I didn’t report it. Maybe I should have. But I didn’t want to lose him completely and I thought I could still help him. We barely spoke after that though, not properly, not until he got sentenced.

He’s never even met DS2 – he was sentenced a few months before he was born.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

Absolutely not. No way. I cannot believe you’re even considering it.

Find another way to support him, daily phone calls, regular check in’s, weekly meet ups/walks, buy him some decent meals/make him sandwiches, kit him out in some nice clothes, help him find volunteering or a job, support him joining groups, go to the GP if needed. X

Pick a different way of supporting him that respects your partner and youngest son’s need to have a safe, calm home.
So, could you try something like taking your eldest for lunch every Sunday? If he gets his shit together and stays clean and finds some stability, then that could evolve into him coming to yours for lunch once a week, but building up the trust again takes time, so I suggest starting with a cheap and cheerful pub or something.

If you can, help him find somewhere else to live .stop with the guilt, it’s not helping, focus on what you can do and keep going. Respect your partners wishes but explain you won’t give up on him and you accept he may return to his old ways.

I’ve been with DP since DS1 was about 8, and they did used to get on before everything went pear-shaped. DP stepped up loads when DS1 was younger. But now he wants nothing to do with him, says I shouldn’t either – reckons he’s made his bed and that I’m soft for even talking to him. He doesn’t even think I should be meeting up with him.

I think your Dh is being unfair. It's obvious your DS was vey young when he landed in jail. And troubled, not least because you had an abusive ex who was clearly upping the rhetoric to cause trouble.

What are finances like? Can you offer help to get him into a flat or somethign that's a bit better? Can you talk to his probation officer about better accomodation - sometimes a parent or other respected member of the community pushing is going to go further than it would if it's your DS. Similarly, as a youjng person who was incarcerated at a young age, there should be some support in place but the chances are that someone is goign to have to fight for that for him and most likely, he's not in a position to do it himself.

what programs are on offer to help lads like him? Can you lobby to get more access to those?

what does he need to get his life more on track - perhaps an educational opportunity or a job? Can you help with that?

He's stil young and has not had great parental support the last few years, perhaps it can be as simple as having lunch with him every few days and making sure he gets a good meal and/or sending him back with some home cooked food.

You are a soft touch and your son knows that.

There is no way on God's green earth that I would let him back.

Your partner is sensible and has the best interests of the small child at heart, and you need to stop this sentimental nonsense about having a convicted criminal who is at serious risk of reoffending anywhere near your home.

Tell your son he is to prove he is no longer a risk if he even wants further contact. He needs to ask his probation officer about mental health counseling, job training, and getting some sort of educational qualifications.

Be the strong mother your son needs, not the weak one he thinks you are.

It's highly likely probation will veto this and may also make a referral to children's services

Thank goodness your partner cares about your 3 year old, i can't believe you'd even contemplate this. Having grown up in a household with a violent addict of a sibling it was hell and I'd report you if you had him anywhere near your youngest.

Not an option. You know this. And your partner would be within his rights to take the 3 year old and move out immediately and file for full custody.

Your son is a grown up who needs to own his past choices and his future choices.

I can see what you mean about him living in the hostel, he is surrounded by risk. However, he can't live with you either.

Can you support him financially (initially) with a rental close to you? And as others have said help him to live independently, teach him kills, help him to find volunteering, a job, give him some self worth.

He may prefer that he has his independence. He does need a chance to start again, away from his mistakes. Just not in your house.

If you give him a chance and he lets himself down, you have tried.

You support him into independent living. But not by bringing him into your home.

I would find this very hard. He is also your child - and re-offending is more likely if he does have to go this alone.

Could you really commit to a plan of support for him but not living with you? Meet daily, walks, connect him to support charities etc for ex offenders?

The reality is family support will make a huge difference to whether or not he reoffends.

Even if you didn't have DS2 I don't think it would actually be the best thing for him to do ( move in with you ) sorry but he would just end up manipulating you again and falling back into old patterns.

With the distance of living apart you can still help him and keep yourself safe, I think you may need to talk to someone about how to best help your DS1 and maintain healthy boundaries for both of you.

Can you seek some talking therapy from the GP or see if the prison services have any resources for family members of ex prisoners?

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds incredibly hard.

You obviously can't have him living at home with you.

I also think you need to be careful about how, when and where you meet up with him. Your son is a violent ex addict with a high chance of reoffending, and he has attacked you before. The chances that he will harm someone in order to get sent back to prison are fairly high.

You should probably stick to seeing him in public places with other people around, never alone in his hostel. If he attacked you he could kill you and leave your 3 year old motherless.

I think it's very cruel and unfair to say the son sees mum as a 'soft touch' - she is his mum.

He is incredibly vulenerable having come out of prison after a long sentence - vulnerable to addiction, homelessness, depression - UK prison reoffending rates are very high because prision is shit, they don't teach them anything or support them then they chuck them out.

The son is frightened and knows it will be very likely he will fuck up without support - no need to be judgemental of his mum for being aware of that

He has previously assaulted the OP, I think it would be dangerous for her to stay overnight with him.