DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

[StuckInbetween]

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

Sorry but it’s a no brainer, he can’t come back. Firstly, it’s unlikely his probation officer would allow him to come and live in a house with a vulnerable child. Even if they did, there would be a referral to social services and in all likelihood your young child would go on the child protection register. They may even suggest your partner and child move elsewhere. You’ve been told he’s at a high risk of re-offending so you seriously can’t consider having him live with you unless you are prepared to loose your DP and younger DS ax these are the only outcomes in this situation!

First off I'm sending you loads of hugs.

Secondly your son wants to come home but if it was my son he would have to prove himself not only to me but also your partner. Could you not all meet up.in say a public place until his gains trust and shows he has changed and can be trusted around your child?. I think if it was my son I would not be cutt all ties he needs you and it comes with a cost.

She runs the risk of loosing her younger child! Social services will become involved and at best the young child will be placed on the child protection register at worst they’d suggest child and partner move out! I’ve worked with families in similar situations and believe me it’s not pretty. We all make choices in life and have to live with the consequences! The fact that so much is blamed on the upbringing in these situations, is ridiculous, many children have difficult upbringings but still become good and decent adults!

Heartbreaking, but you need to break the cycle of trauma by protecting your 3 year old. You can be supportive to your son without moving him into your home.

One of the keys to achieving sobriety and reconnecting is the sense that you are accountable to those you have hurt in the past.

Acceptance of the need for accountability builds trust with the people you are trying to connect with, and a sense of personal responsibility for getting your own life back on track and establishing healthy connection with reality and with those who care about you.

A family member who is trying to help an addict reconnect, accept accountability, and develop a sense of personal responsibility for their own reconnection and recovery needs to stop all co-dependent habits and start understanding boundaries.

Boundaries are not rules others in our lives must live by. Boundaries are your own strong defences when the addict tries to guilt trip you into allowing him a life where he doesn't have to take accountability or personal responsibility seriously.

Saying no, refusing to be manipulated or guilted, and helping your dear child the addict or alcoholic understand that you cannot let them exploit you or do their reconnection work for them is hard when you've both been active participants in the co-deoendency dynamic. But you cannot help the addict by returning to business as usual.

The OP needs to help herself first before she can help her son. Her expressions of guilt here show that she is enmeshed in a co-dependent relationship with her son. She needs to be guided away from that and into healthier relationship habits.

Just to say hugs OP💐

This is (and is going to be) very tough on you.

I’m sorry you are in such a heartbreaking dilemma, I can absolutely understand your instincts. I don’t think your DP has any right to dictate what you do with your own child - I would absolutely continue to support him if you believe that is the right thing. But, I do agree with the fact you cannot bring your 3yo into such a situation at all.

May I (gently) suggest you are intentional and thoughtful about your boundaries both with your eldest DS and with your DP - perhaps some counselling would be helpful in drawing these and making you feel more empowered to stick to them.

This sounds really difficult. I think for now you HAVE to give him as much attention and support as possible and help him to get to know his little brother and your dp. Make sure he has all the support he needs. Therapy, support with work, education, housing etc but support him to live independently.

Hear me out. Is there a way you can support him without living with you. I know money wise and for good reason giving him money is a no no. Is there a way of helping him with some form of costs no matter how small and then re build your relationship that way.
As others have said your priority is your 3 year old and your partner is right, he is wanting to protect your child, you and himself and your home. Doesn't mean it won't be gut wrenching. Long term you hope that you can begin to help him in small ways to rebuild his life but harsh as it sounds you have to put your new family first. I hope you can find something that might work. again with aggression, addiction etc you don't want it to become a spiralling controlling mechanism but I suppose he also is your son and you want to help if you can- but in a way that minimises stress for you and your loved one.

No advice but just wanted to say I really feel for you 💐

This. You have to put your three year old first.

This is a perfect response, lots of good, compassionate advice here.

I worked in Criminal Justice Social Work services for years and my "bread and butter" was people like your DS; young men who had served time and had substance misuse or addiction issues. If your son's probation/social worker has stated he is at a high risk of reoffending, I would recommend you take that at face value. It is very likely he will and there is no guarantee it won't be of even more seriousness next time.

Please know that having him stay in your home with you, your infant son and your partner will not stop repeat offending. I have seen this happen more times than I can count with parents giving chance after chance and taking on far more responsibility than they should. It very rarely, if ever, ends well.

Given that he is a violent offender and has substance misuse issues, social work will also not look too kindly on him living there with your infant son as it is a clear safeguarding concern. You can support him without having him live there.

I think I'd visit him and try to help him get a better life up and running but no, with a 3 year old, I wouldn't invite him to live with us.

Good luck.

You partner is right. There is no way to say this without sounding harsh but.. you already exposed one young child to a violent man and it wrecked him. Please don't do this again.
I realise it is probably more complicated and I appreciate that you do love your son and don't want to write him off. But you can't let him be around the younger child until he has proven himself

Would he consider going back to college or education to give him some routine and something to focus on?

I feel for you, it must be so hard but he is out on licence after pleading guilty to a violent assault and you cannot have him living with your young child because of this. I very much doubt that the probation service would allow this anyway.

As others have already said there are other ways you can support him, just the fact that you care about him and want to help him is a major positive. Some family members cut off a relative who have offended. I hope he can rebuild his life but you need to put your little one first

This young man certainly got the short end of the stick.

Shitty childhood, shitty father, chaos, addiction. And while he was in prison his mother decided to start a second family. No wonder he feels cast-off and useless.

Support from a distance for now. Your DP is massively unreasonable to suggest you wash your hands of your DS who offended when he was technically a child. Would he be willing to abandon his own flesh and blood that easily?

I saw an interview with James Timpson and he said the no longer take on male ex offenders under the age of 25 - they’ve found that the reoffending rate is too high for them to risk it. For women leaving prison they’ve found the age doesn’t matter and they’ll work with young leavers, but young men seem to fall back into their old habits until their mid-twenties.

He’s your son.
You gave birth to him.
You love him.
It’s impossible not to love him.
Think about your younger son and the promise he holds and the love you hold for him.
I know you wouldn’t risk his safety for anything.
Could you help your older son find a safe place to live, where the risk to others and to himself is minimal?
I don’t know about the UK, but in the US, there are very good halfway houses with counselors and support and meals. They’re also strict and you’re out if you break the rules. But they’re supportive and helpful to people like your son.
Also, you should seek word from your son that this is the end of his relationship with alcohol and drugs — because it’s killing him.
He needs to admit it to himself.
Sending love, and the very best of wishes.
You don’t deserve this. ❤️

I think that you should let him stay. Some posters are being very prejudiced and judgemental here. He needs support with his rehabilitation and reintegration into society

I’ve been where you are OP. My son lasted a month before he was back inside for breaching his licence. He got out again and was rearrested for the exact same type of crime that he went in for the first time. He’s back in prison now. He’s been in and out of prison since he was 18.
I was like you, optimistic that he’d changed (every time!) but unfortunately people very rarely change. If anything, prison makes them worse. If I had let my son come home the first time it would probably have been me or my DH at the other end of his violence.

I did visit him in prison – not as much after DS2 was born, for obvious reasons. He was a newborn, I was exhausted, recovering, and just trying to stay afloat. But I did feel guilty. I was his only visitor, and I know he was waiting on those visits. We’d write sometimes too but it’s not the same, is it. I kept telling myself I’d go the next week, then the next, but time just got away from me and I was pulled in so many directions.

He did ask if DP would come see him when he was first sentenced – proper asked me to ask him. But DP flat out refused, said he was dangerous and he wasn’t going anywhere near him. They’ve not spoken since. DS1 didn’t bring it up again but I think it hurt him more than he let on.

I do think some of what’s been said is right – I can’t fix it for him, and I can’t risk everything I’ve got now. But I don’t want to wash my hands either. If I give up on him completely, what does that say? He might’ve done wrong, but he’s still mine and I do believe deep down he wants to change.

I’ll look into those job schemes and maybe college too – he mentioned wanting to do something to do with mechanics before. Maybe having options would help. And yeah, I think I’ll try to talk to probation myself too – they might listen more to me than him, like some of you said.

Social Services would not allow it so there's no point saying this.