DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

[StuckInbetween]

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

@SudsySaturday

omg, so misogynistic! Why isn’t your vitriol reserved for the man who abused Op and their son??

Getting into a new relationship after separation does not cause a child to be violent - it happens all the time afterall.

Expecting people to prioritize their children over their own love life is not misogynistic. That word is trotted out now any time a woman is criticized, to the point it has no meaning.

People who have chosen to create human beings need to henceforth think with their head and not their crotch. Having picked a loser as her son’s bio-sire, it behooved her to focus on his welfare, not her own, until he was thriving and self-sufficient. Instead look at the outcome.

To those being quite judgemental — I just want to say I would’ve liked to visit him more in prison, of course I would. But it was really difficult at the time. DS2 was a newborn, I had no car, barely any family support, and I was breastfeeding those first few months which made everything harder. After that I did visit more often, but only when DP could have DS2. He works away every few months so it wasn’t always possible. And I’m sure if I had taken DS2 along, some of you would be judging that too. When DS2 started nursery it became a lot easier and I went much more regularly.

Like I’ve said before, I got with DP when DS was 8, years before any of this. DS and him got along really well. It all changed when his dad came back into the picture. I do wish I stopped him going to live with him, I really do, but at the time he was adamant and I was genuinely struggling with his behaviour. I didn’t abandon him — I tried to keep in contact even after he moved out, right up until he started showing up demanding money and that time he hit me. DP was away with work then and honestly I was scared. I had to protect myself.

Please don’t make assumptions when you don’t know the full picture. I’m just trying my best with a horrible situation.

OP its not your fault, and its not your responsibility now to support him to the detriment of yourself and the rest of your family. There are organisations that can help give him practical advice and groups for support, you cannot 'fix' him or give him the tools to improve his life only he and people removed from his family can. Be the mum and be there for him for support and love but don't get entangled in it all; it wont help him or you.

I think those consequences are the pain OP is experiencing of having an adult child with deep addiction and self esteem problems. It’s very sad all round but there does come a point where you have to allow an adult to be an adult and take the reins of their own life. Believe me, I have a family member who is an addict and very unwell and his parents have not been able to let go, the results of that are all their other children more or less estranged, now very elderly they are held captive by their son’s issues. It’s tragic. But having a second son damaged in a similar way to the first is not viable imo.

Her son is an adult. No one is obliged to continue forever prioritising an adult’s needs above their own.

His troubles started long before adulthood, through no fault of his own. Yet his mother is still making excuse after excuse.

He was 8 when his mother chose to get involved with her present boyfriend.

For god’s sake, he’s 20. Not 40.

And those 20 years have been a shitshow since the day he was born. Whose fault is that???

Getting out of prison is actually harder than going in. In prison, everything is predictable and is done for them. A strict routine is established. Prison is also very traumatic and your son will have seen things that he will never tell you about. This all is the prefect recipe for recidivism and relapse.

When my loved one was released he went straight to the GP and got on a mental health plan to see a psychologist. He still goes to see the psychologist and it has helped him adjust to the outside world. Now he is enrolled to study at technical college and has things to look forward to.

mending relationships after prison is extremely difficult and there are so many things that we will never understand about the effect that incarceration has on our loved ones.

He must do things himself. You can support him by being patient and understanding, but he’s the one who has to take the steps.

Do not let him back into your home though. The risk of reoffending is high, especially with addiction. I wish you the best.

Oh another thing you can do to support him is meet his parole officer. You can even go along with him if he wants you to. He will likely have many other appointments to attend, so you can ask him if he wants you to go to them with him. That could be a good start.

I think that's needlessly harsh on the OP.
The OP says DS was raised by his Dad, who was a violent individual - hardly surprising he didn't turn out too well.

You have been trolling me for days on various different threads for disagreeing with your opinions RE a woman being left out of being a bridesmaid. Get a grip. Reported you yet again, @mnhq please do something about this idiot.

A 20 year old who has had complete lack of stability his whole life and is now living in a hostel with no friends or good family around him - this is a very sad situation.

It sounds like such a difficult situation and I really feel for you. You're saying you want to help so you need to step up and put your older son first for once. Nothing half hearted or excuses. Others on this thread have posted examples of how you can do this.
He can't live with you, that's not an option but you need to be his rock, show him love and build connection. Of course he will need to do huge amounts of work himself but he needs support. Maybe you need to look at therapy for yourself also to unpick your past decisions. You had a tough time, as did your son and some insight could help both of you move forward.

@StuckInbetween I hope things are going ok and that you’ve been able to get your partner to see you can’t abandon your eldest DS. Remember you don’t need to try and solve every problem at once but you do need to look after yourself as well or you’ll burnout

I understand your anguish but you know you are making the right choice. Best of luck!