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Original poster

DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

244 replies

StuckInbetween · 20/05/2025 16:53

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

OP posts:
RareGoalsVerge · 20/05/2025 23:27

You can love and support your 20yo DS without him moving in with you.

With a 3yo DC it is not possible for him to live with you, but you can still speak to him every day, encourage him and help him get his life back on track. Him sleeping in the same building as you is not a significant part of this, given that he has somewhere safe to sleep.

Seventree · 20/05/2025 23:51

I agree with other posters that he can't live with your small child. I do think he deserves your support though.

Obviously he has behaved appallingly, but I think it's right to consider the impact his childhood likely had on him.

He witnessed domestic abuse as a tiny child, had all contact with his dad (rightly) stopped, and accepted a new father figure. Then, had his abusive dad come back into his life.

He went on to live with his violent father as an impressionable teenager (I'm sure this was your last resort and I'm not suggesting you should have accepted being attacked, but this is bound to have had an impact on him). And he was only 16 when he committed his crime.

His actions were wrong and It's right that he was properly punished, but he had a pretty rubbish hand in life and not everyone is able to overcome that. I don't think he should lose the love and support of his mum for crimes he committed as a clearly troubled child.

Hwi · 21/05/2025 00:21

Soontobesingles · 20/05/2025 22:16

He is your child but he is a grown man who has to live in the consequences of his crimes. Your 3 yo is an innocent baby and the worst thing you can do is move a violent, unstable and depressed criminal drug addict into your home. I’m glad your partner is being clear sighted here. Absolutely not. You need to teach your adult son how to cope as an independent person, and not think that somehow ‘a second chance’ at family life is going to solve already deeply embedded problems.

Edited

What about the consequences for his parents who never gave him a chance?

PopeJoan2 · 21/05/2025 00:32

This must be heartbreaking, op. You have done your best and have to let go and looking after your youngest. I feel for you and wish you the best.

I must say this thread has been MN at its best. From what I have read people have given honest and useful advice in a caring way (I haven’t rtft so hope this is largely the case).

Bigcat25 · 21/05/2025 00:38

I definitely think you should continue to support your son with continuous regular contact op, he's gotten clean and making an effort. Reassure him you love him, especially after the lack of visits. (Not saying that to make you feel bad.) If yoy hace time, try and see him more than once a week (at least until he's resettled) Or at least talk lots if that's all you can manage. Try to find him other places he can go in the community to make connections and unwind. Even if it's the library, a boardgame cafe, whatever. Even a small gaming console could help him and distract him when he's bored/alone at the hostel and better than drugs.

Bigcat25 · 21/05/2025 00:46

PopeJoan2 · 21/05/2025 00:32

This must be heartbreaking, op. You have done your best and have to let go and looking after your youngest. I feel for you and wish you the best.

I must say this thread has been MN at its best. From what I have read people have given honest and useful advice in a caring way (I haven’t rtft so hope this is largely the case).

I don't think she has to let go perse. There's a difference between not housing him and no contact. He needs to rebuild his life. It's good if he still has mom as a presence in his life.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 02:53

PopeJoan2 · 21/05/2025 00:32

This must be heartbreaking, op. You have done your best and have to let go and looking after your youngest. I feel for you and wish you the best.

I must say this thread has been MN at its best. From what I have read people have given honest and useful advice in a caring way (I haven’t rtft so hope this is largely the case).

No one had done their best by this very young man, least of all his parents who have both jettisoned him and gone on to make new lives for themselves. Beyond reprehensible.

Missanimosity · 21/05/2025 05:54

StuckInbetween · 20/05/2025 21:19

I’m not gonna go into loads of detail but it was an unprovoked attack on a stranger, lad ended up in hospital for a while after. He was 16 when it happened and had just turned 17 when he got sentenced. After that DP was done with it all. He’d already started distancing but that was it for him. He’s never looked back and won’t hear a word about DS now.

When he first went in he was still getting into fights regularly but over time he calmed down. He got help with his temper and the drugs. I’m not saying that makes it all alright, cos it doesn’t. I’m not making excuses for what he did – he did what he did and someone else suffered for it.

But you said in first post that he is 20 and ame out after a 6 years sentence. That would make him 14 when he committed the assault. Unless he didn't serve all sentence?

aspidernamedfluffy · 21/05/2025 06:14

Missanimosity · 21/05/2025 05:54

But you said in first post that he is 20 and ame out after a 6 years sentence. That would make him 14 when he committed the assault. Unless he didn't serve all sentence?

Show quote history

I read it as the sentence was 6 years and he had served 3...which would make him 17 at the time of the judgement.

BertieBotts · 21/05/2025 07:53

PiggyPigalle · 20/05/2025 22:14

I get it. Teen did a bad thing, must have ADHD.
Is there any behaviour not covered by it?

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It's not about excusing anything. It's about helping him have the best chance if he does have it, which he might or might not, but statistically the chances are higher.

Someone with ADHD will still go back to prison if they break the terms of their probation. It's not a get out of jail free card.

Damnloginpopup · 21/05/2025 07:59

If he stays in the hostel he will soon be back into the drink, drugs and bad lifestyle. It won't take long. Especially if it's the ar a he's from and he starts seeing old friends. I spent 11 years working in them and have seen it repeatedly.

It will derail your life if you have him at home, especially while he returns to outside life. If you can afford to get him a private rental and can find one this may be a straw you can clutch, and slowly build his reintegration into family life IF he is willing to really work at staying straight. He will need to get out working too, doing anything. That's hugely important in getting him away from the gutter.

ButterCrackers · 21/05/2025 08:00

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 02:53

No one had done their best by this very young man, least of all his parents who have both jettisoned him and gone on to make new lives for themselves. Beyond reprehensible.

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How nasty and unhelpful. The op is reaching for help here and needs supportive replies and resources.

Glowingup · 21/05/2025 08:15

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 02:53

No one had done their best by this very young man, least of all his parents who have both jettisoned him and gone on to make new lives for themselves. Beyond reprehensible.

Show quote history

Wow so the OP daring to form a new relationship with a presumably non-abusive man led to this young man violently beating someone and being jailed for it? Could you be any more fucking misogynistic? Oh and women can never win because there’s also a contingent saying that single mums cause their sons to be delinquent. This person chose to take drugs and chose to beat someone so badly they could have died. To say this is a result of a woman moving on from a horrible relationship is disgusting. If anyone had a bad impact it will have been the abusive father but lots of people have abusive dads and don’t end up in jail for GBH before their teens are over.

dontcryformeargentina · 21/05/2025 08:48

Your older DS needs mental health support. Any charities you can approach to help him ? He really needs to be given a hope. From what I’m
reading he is very vulnerable and high risk of reoffending. He is lost and needs a purpose. If he reoffends and goes back, it will be very difficult to change his life course.

Missey85 · 21/05/2025 08:52

I can't say I blame him I probably wouldn't let them back either 🙁

SudsySaturday · 21/05/2025 09:12

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 02:53

No one had done their best by this very young man, least of all his parents who have both jettisoned him and gone on to make new lives for themselves. Beyond reprehensible.

Show quote history

I think this is absolutely bang on.

Abusive bio dad is a write off, obviously.
Stepdad since 8 years old has washed his hands, doesn't even want his mum visiting him.
Mum is full of excuses as to why she seemingly barely visited her teenager for three years in prison. She was too busy enjoying her new baby basically.

Mum (and stepdad) also thought that at the time the kid was really struggling at 16yo - living with abusive bio dad, in trouble with the police, taking every drug he could - that this was an absolutely splendid time to start their shiny new family and get pregnant.

It sounds like the son has been bottom priority for everyone for many years. He never stood a chance really.

Never mind, that's what shiny new ones are for, to give it a better bash second time round.

Agapornis · 21/05/2025 09:57

He is no one's priority, has no friends, and you're his only somewhat reliable family member who also let him down. Don't abandon him, take some responsibility for what happened in his childhood.

Can you come up with a reintegration plan together, involving the probation officer and hopefully a charity that helps ex offenders? He was a child in a YOI.

Ask him honestly how he feels about having a little half brother, and whether he'd like to meet him. It might be an opportunity - he might love being a big brother and being kind to him.

WhatAreYouUp · 21/05/2025 10:19

It is hard to understand those that would wash their hands of their own son.

Are these the same people who moan about high reoffending rates?

The last thing this young man needs is to be abandoned again.

With love, support, direction and his own determination, he may just turn his life around.

He deserves this one chance. (but no more)

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cherrytree86 · 21/05/2025 10:54

Glowingup · 21/05/2025 08:15

Wow so the OP daring to form a new relationship with a presumably non-abusive man led to this young man violently beating someone and being jailed for it? Could you be any more fucking misogynistic? Oh and women can never win because there’s also a contingent saying that single mums cause their sons to be delinquent. This person chose to take drugs and chose to beat someone so badly they could have died. To say this is a result of a woman moving on from a horrible relationship is disgusting. If anyone had a bad impact it will have been the abusive father but lots of people have abusive dads and don’t end up in jail for GBH before their teens are over.

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@TheHerboriste

this ⬆️ read this, you are wrong and misogynistic

Cherrytree86 · 21/05/2025 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@TheHerboriste

are you saying Op should have stayed single for years and years after leaving his abusive father?

Toolatetoasknow · 21/05/2025 11:01

Please don't give up on ds1. He was very young when he was sent to prison- should he have even been in an adult prison? Maybe I am reading it wrong.

My own ds was an absolute nightmare from 15 onwards until well past 20. Drugs, police, rubbish friends etc. Horrible. And he had a stable home and reasonable school record. I don't like to think how badly things might have ended up for him if we hadn't kept forgiving him, over and over. He's ok now, working, girlfriend (she's done as much for him as we have) etc.

Of course you must keep your toddler safe, and you will. But your older son needs a family now more than anything in the world. The no prison visitors except you, and you rarely, sounded heart breaking. Mine would have had grandparents telling him off and showing they cared and writing to him as well. He must have been so terribly lonely.

This is your second chance. Please try and take it.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 11:03

Cherrytree86 · 21/05/2025 10:56

@TheHerboriste

are you saying Op should have stayed single for years and years after leaving his abusive father?

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Yes, absolutely. Her troubled son should have been her first and only priority.

Cherrytree86 · 21/05/2025 11:06

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 11:03

Yes, absolutely. Her troubled son should have been her first and only priority.

Show quote history

@TheHerboriste

well if you think women should remain single forever if they split up with their children’s father then you’re just wrong, and it’s never gonna happen. OP’s partner actually sounds like he was a positive influence on her son and good male role model for him…far more than his actual father.

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