DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

[StuckInbetween]

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

Even if your partner was receptive to the idea, it wouldn't be safe, they'd be locking horns in no time.
I don't go along with therapists and prescription drugs normally, but could either be useful to him? I was thinking at getting to the root cause of his temper, which is often resentment. Maybe talking to a GP also.

The other thing was, would he be willing to go to College? Learn a trade, something to aim for.
How long does he have to be at the hostel?

Not all people who have crappy abusive lives become addicts but all addicts have had crappy abusive lives. The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety it is connection (this has been theorised since I think the 70s and the rat palace/ rat park experiments). Some of the comments on here are awful. He needs as much support as he can get - pp have given good suggestions. Those people who lived crappy lives “better” and avoided addtction won’t have escaped on their own - they will have had opportunities and connections to help them.

I don't agree with your husband saying to abandon him. How disgusting, and he wouldn't say that about his biological child, were they in the same situation.

But yabu to try and bring him home, which, by now, I'm sure you know

Keep going and supporting him, op. Being a parent Never ends and he needs to know that he is loved. He needs to prove that he can be a big brother and a good son.

And your husband needs to do a 180 and start supporting the step son he's known since he was 8, who isn't going anywhere.

I’ve been reading through everything and you’ve given me loads to think about. I can see now that having him live with us probably isn’t the right call, especially with how DP feels and DS2 being so little. I don’t want to risk the peace and safety we’ve got here. But I also can’t just leave DS1 to sink.

He took his GCSEs inside, got a couple of passes – was actually really proud of himself at the time. Said he wanted to get a job, maybe do a course, was proper talking about turning things around before he got out. But now he just seems completely overwhelmed. He keeps saying stuff like he’d rather be back in prison cos at least he knows how to survive in there. I’m scared he’ll break his probation rules on purpose just to get sent back.

I’m also really worried about the drugs. He said he’s clean now but I know what he was like before – he’d take anything he could get. and he's said people in the hostel are still using.

A few of you mentioned maybe helping him find a better place or supporting him with food or meeting up, and I think that’s what I need to focus on. Start small – maybe a weekly lunch like someone said, just to keep that connection. Help him with job stuff, even just sending things over or going through CVs with him. And I’ll look into charities too – I’d not even thought of contacting his probation officer myself but maybe I should.

It’s hard cos I feel like I’m caught between two lives, and whatever I do one side suffers. But I don’t want to give up on him.

Thanks again to everyone who’s taken the time to reply. You’ve really helped x

I don’t think YABU at all OP, after all he is your son, but you’re being unrealistic considering your present circumstances.

My bf is an addict (sober, but as we all know he’ll be working on it forever probably) and the truth is you can’t have an addict under your roof - certainly not a violent one. I honestly think the only reason my partner is still my partner is because he’s just not a violent person and has never stolen. I never felt my safety compromised, at most he borrowed when he shouldn’t have.

By all means help and engage with your son (he’s so young), but you probably should do it from a distance to safeguard yourself and your remaining family.

It sucks, but your partner is right on this one.

Keep him away from your 3 yr old.

You said yourself that DS 1 went off the rails after witnessing abuse from your exH. Why put DS 2 in the same situation all over again, to repeat itself horrifically?

Your son will get loads of help if he wants it. Male ex offenders do. (I'm an ex prison visitor and men get far more chances and support than women prisoners).
A lot of the big employers will offer him a chance, Timpson, Boots, Sainsbury's etc.
Be aware he will not pass a DBS. A lot of charities will not take him even after any convictions are spent. Violent crime does mean no working with vulnerable children, adults etc.
Support him but also do not take on too much. He can use the resources available to him. Guilt tripping you is unfair. You have a small child who cannot defend their self. He needs to earn his place back in society.
Fwiw I've worked with a murder and he was truly devastated. He had a fight and the other guy fell. He died. This man has done everything to make amends

I don’t think you can invite him back to live with you and your new family for at least 3 reasons.

His past record, him hitting you and high probability of offending against you.

Your new child, do you want a 3yo influenced by him and what may happen be it drugs and/or violence.

Your new partner. Insisting on your eldest coming back my well put your relationship with your partner at severe risk.

But you can still support him - meet weekly for a talk over coffee, phone him etc.

He clearly had a tough childhood with an abusive dad.

You can support him wthout him being in your house.

Encourage him to live independently. There will be charities he/you can get in touch with.

Also try Timpson's re a job. Although they miight want to see proof of rehabilation.

Maybe look at Timpsons. They help by employing ex offenders. Perhaps there is some suitable work for him there. If he finds a job and therefore a purpose I suspect that may help turn him around.

He keeps saying stuff like he’d rather be back in prison cos at least he knows how to survive in there.

He is saying things like this to guilt you into letting him come back home. Next it'll be money, and you know what comes after that.

It's classic addict behavior. The best thing you can do for him is set very strict boundaries and help him from afar.

Lots of good ideas here. Please also, don't feel guilty if your son messes it up, it would not be your fault (for not having him at home or not supporting him enough). He does have to do this himself, you can't do it for him.

Personally, I'd try to talk to his probation officer for some guidance on how you can best help/signpost your son. Getting onto a course or something might be great to give him more positive direction (but is that possible with his probation restrictions or conviction?). I'd want to avoid signposting him to things that he isn't yet able to access.

Good luck @StuckInbetween, you sound like a great support for your son. I really hope he can grasp and run with, all that is offered to him.

He really needs to make use of the support he will be offered - it isn't going to be on the table for long.

Prioritise getting away from the area, and a job to support that, as a number 1 route for reoffending and re-addiction is getting back into the same friendship groups as prior to offending/friendships formed whilst inside.

Living with you is absolutely not appropriate, particularly if you live in the area where all his former friends are, but even if not.

You are not unreasonable to feel the way you do, you want the best for both of hour children but you vant put ds2 in jeopardy. So sorry, you must be so tormented

He is, unfortunately, highly likely to re-offend. It’s very common and for precisely the reason he’s mentioned. He has almost no qualifications, no vocation. It’s easier for him to re-offend and go back inside where he’ll maybe learn a trade (ironically, window fitting is common) and knows the routine, gets fed, has acquaintances. It’s a story I’ve heard so many times from my DH (police). He needs you to support him. Can you find an apprenticeship along with his probation officer? A plumber I used to know would take on young men who’d been in trouble and train them on the job. There are certainly programmes like this out there. You need to meet with the probation service. No idea if you can access Unifrog (think it’s subscription) which details local apprenticeship programmes.

You sound like a really lovely mum OP, I really hope he is able to turn things around.

It’s a good time to go looking at college courses for September if he’s still keen. With a few GCSEs, he probably has quite a few to choose from.

Too late, unfortunately. You have a new life now - it is not like you waited for him to get out and start a new life afresh, you got on with your life and there is no place for him (for clear and obvious reasons) in your new life. Sad, but we all make our choices as parents.

Absolutely this.

OP, you need to sign up for Nar- Anon, and realise you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I'm so sorry for your situation, how absolutely heart breaking. I'd seek advice from the probation service on how you can best help him.

This.

There are numerous ways to support him without endangering your 3 year old.

I feel incredibly sorry for your son - unfortunately to some degree that ship has sailed the professionals have clearly warned you

My god my heart breaks for you OP and I’m disgusted your partner is telling you to wash your hands of your son.

yes he’s high risk (statistically) of reoffending - and habits and community will be a huge factor in whether he does or not. So everyone presuming it’s a done deal, of course it is not. His future is not written in stone.

OP please be his support, don’t let your partner sway you away. It doesn’t have to be living with you. He is surrounded by other ex offenders so it’s almost a breeding ground for him to fall back. Help him. I wish you and him all the best.

Doesn't exactly fill me with confidence that op is going to make any better parenting decisions this time around either.

Though luckily for the youngest it sounds like his father has his head screwed on at least.

I am absolutely of the same opinion as your partner I'm afraid.

I wanted to give my brother chances. Said he could stay each time he was let out. How stupid I was. My poor exH 😥

I highly recommend Chris Atkins second book Time After Time. It'll give a good sense of what he's up against.