DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

[StuckInbetween]

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

GBH is an extremely serious charge. He could have killed someone - if the victim had died it would have been murder rather than manslaughter. S18 is the most serious one and carries up to a life sentence. Loads of people have crappy lives. Most don’t take drugs and beat the shit out of people.
Stop being weak and making excuses for him. He has made his bed and I agree with your partner. I’d never let him back in the house.

It wouldn’t be a good idea for him to live with you as your son and partner don’t get on. I do think you need to give him as much support as you can to help stop any reoffending. If he’s not got much to do, meet up with him a few times a week. Take him out for meals even if it’s only a supermarket cafe, look for volunteering opportunities, get in touch with the kings trust and other charities. Chat in the evenings on the phone or via text so he feels he has a connection outside the hostel. Talk to his probation officer about what opportunities there are with courses and better accommodation.
Family support is vital and everyone I know who has been to prison and had significant family support when they have been released hasn’t reoffended.
Youre doing the right thing to support him and hopefully soon you can help him into a better flat or hostel.

If he comes to live with you then probation will probably refer to social services for a risk assessment. Do you really want them in your lives?

He may be your son but he's also a violent thug. What did he do to the other person, do they have life changing injuries or scars? Is their life now very different to how it was before the attack?

You may want to help your son but he doesn't need to live with you for you to do that.

You come over as a kind, caring and concerned mum @StuckInbetween .
However, you have another son to think of too. I think the pp who have said find ways to show him you care and support him, as best you can, outside of your own home have the right idea.
Meals out, shopping for food for him, helping with his laundry, regular texts/phone calls etc. are all things you can do to show your love and support. Having him home, even for visits can wait a good long while.

As others have said you can support your DS without living with him. Unfortunately if he's not ready for change he won't and there's no amount of support, cajoling or anything that will make a difference. He has to do this for him. I say this with kindness as an addict in recovery.

Some practical suggestions for him - he could try NA. Encourage him to build him up a positive support network. Spend time with people in recovery who 'get' his thinking without judgement. When he feels ready perhaps some volunteering.

Theres a group called NA Anon for families of people in additiction. They can be a wealth of support for you and will understand how difficult your situation is.

I have seen the pain and upset I've caused through my actions and can see your desperation and guilt in your words. Please if you take nothing away from this post understand this, is not your fault. Addiction is cruel. To the Addiction and to the families. Look after yourself. Set firm boundaries that come from a place of care but which also support your safety and well-being. I really wish your DS the best on his journey.

If any of the locations are near you
https://abandofbrothers.org.uk/ abandofbrothers.org.uk/]]]]
I would get in touch

is he in recovery AA /NA eg if so he has a better chance of getting long term clean time

I think this is more along the lines of what you should do. Spend time with him - buy ingredients and cook with him in his hostel.

Contact some of these organisations and see how they can help:
https://www.kingstrust.org.uk/how-we-can-help/who-else/housing-health-wellbeing/ex-offender-support

I'm so sorry your in this situation, but I agree with your partner, you risk your youngest son and your relationship by bringing him home.

You can still support him, just not from your home.

If he's clean let him come back

He can’t come and live with you.

Its not really a choice as you’ll likely be (rightly) flagged by probation re: safeguarding concerns for your 3 year old.

You also need to consider that whilst he is no longer in prison, his tag and probation are still part of the consequences for his actions.

You can’t save him. He needs want to save himself.

Where I do disagree with your partner is in washing your hands of him.

You can still be a good mother in meeting with him, listening and giving emotional support.

I appreciate it must be very hard but you will have to develop some clear boundaries here.

That means if he goes back to drugs then you’re out.

However hard his upbringing was, he still made choices that have led him to where he is now. In the same way he will need to decide what choices he is going to make re: his future.

You are not helping if you are dripping in guilt every time you see him. The only way forward is for him to accept his own self agency for his life and his mistakes. Don’t give him a reason to dump this on you.

OP, he’s hit you before: what’s to stop him from hitting DS2? Or getting into an altercation with your DP - you can’t say that an argument might not escalate when he has form for GBH. I completely understand your concerns as his mother, but you did the best for him as you saw fit at the time - hindsight is a wonderful thing, and we never get to read the other ending anyway. I agree with other posters: sadly, your DS isn’t a safe person to be around. So give him what support you can - meet him in coffee shops or for lunch; let him know you’re there for him - but don’t even dream of letting him come to the house or to live with you. Suppose some argument got out of hand? You could end up losing both DP and DS2. I’m afraid that the well-being of you, your partner and your little one have to come before the needs of your wayward older son, no matter how hard that might seem.

That's a safe guarding matter op they likely would t grant this anyway

There are many ways to support him without putting your three year old at risk. Meeting up regularly, texting, asking how things are going, helping him get clothes for interviews, just being a mum.

He’s 20 and he hasn’t lived with you for a number of years. Your house isn’t his home anymore. Bringing him into it will risk your young son and destroy your relationship with your DP. Those are some of the consequences of your DS’s poor choices.

This is so hard, I really feel for you. It sounds like you know it’s not the right thing to offer for him to live with you, but you’re worried about him where he is, which is also valid.

I think if you want to help, check he wants your help first, and think hard about what you can definitely offer rather than overstretching yourself. Paying for therapy if he wants it could be a good option, therapy for yourself may also be beneficial. As others have said, a regular call, help finding a job, helping to find him other support could all be good, but you can’t make the changes for him, it needs to come from him and he needs to want it, or you run the risk of further conflict. Did you have regular communication with him when he was in prison? Did he do any courses around his behaviour etc while in there?

Good luck x

Unfortunately you do know what to do for the best.

You have to protect your little boy.

Yes it's painful and I do understand something of just how awful this must be for you. But you really cannot have him in your home.

If there are other things you can do, such as seeing him every week for coffee and a sandwich, or talking to him on the phone every evening, or supporting him with a food shop here and there or whatever the case may be, whatever practical things you can do to show you care, do those. As far as you can, with the resources you have. But he can't be around your child and he can't be in your home.

You can't turn back the clock, however much you might wish you could.

Your son is an adult now. You have an obligation to your 3 year old child.

I’m glad your husband is saying no to a violent adult living in his home.

If your ex addict son looked drained it’s possible he’s strung out.

The only one causing tension here is you.

You admitted your son was exposed to violence in the home and you attribute this to his behaviour as a teen - eventually leading to his incarceration.

And yet - you want to expose your three year old to this?!

You need to stop creating drama. Your son is where he is because of both genetic and environmental factors. He isn’t a safe person to have around a three year old. He isn’t safe to have around you.

I'm sorry OP this must be so hard. Your home does not represent stability; it represents a very horrible history to your elder son. I'm sorry to say his but it's true for him; even if you've moved from the place he lived with his biological father, your set up doesn't represent stability. A new parent is in place and a younger child is there. This is not, absolutely not ever where he needs to be living. Coming to you would be a disaster.

What you can do is help him where you can to stick with the path set for him by probation. Ask them first before you do anything. There is support out there and he will get back on track if he engages with it all. You'll be causing more upset for him if you allow him back home.

Best of luck and my heart goes out to you

Maybe your partner should take the little one and move out. Then you can have visitation with that child and your older child can live with you.

Or, you can realise how insane your plan is and accept that you cannot have him living in your home with your child.

Find a way to support him outside of your home. Good luck op it must be a tricky problem to tackle.

Any move on address will require approval if still subject to licence. He hasn't been put into an approved premises because he has nowhere to go, its to manage his risk and will be part of the agreed risk management plan for a specified period of time. Its not optional. They can discuss move on accommodation with him and you can be involved in those discussions, with his permission, but that's about it. They would assess the risk to you and your child too and take that into account, even if you don't. Approved premises aren't great in terms of spending time with other offenders etc but they do offer structure due to sign in times and monitoring. If he can't cope there he hasn't a chance when he has more freedom. I agree you can support him without him being in your home. He should have had access to the required courses in prison to address his risk of violence and his substance misuse, if he was willing. You can help him to build on the learning from those but ultimately his path is his own

You know what to do for the best. You keep dangerous people away from your family. You just don’t want to do it.

You made a choice to let your son live with a violent person and now you want to make a choice that your 3 year old live with a violent person.

Your son made a choice to believe his father over you. He made a choice to spiral.

The place he's staying isn't really a hostel, it's called an approved premises and is staffed by probation, only the highest risk offenders go there on release, and he wouldn't be allowed to leave there and come to live with you, it's a condition of his release that he goes there. He will be there at least 12 weeks and needs to work with probation and the local housing department to look at move on accommodation, that will likely be private rent paid for by UC if he's not working yet, some areas do a rent deposit scheme for prison leavers.
If you want him to live with you after, that would mean an automatic referral to children's social care by probation who would have to approve it based on the risk information provided by police and social care responses, probation would likely say no anyway due to the risk and a young child being in the home.
To support him be there for him call him every day, if he needs help looking into things such as housing you can support him, you can meet up with him if it's safe to do so away from your home, you can be a positive figure in his life, but I don't think him living with you in the near future is a realistic prospect.

This ^^
He needs to grow up and understand the consequences of his appalling behaviour.

Support him from afar but keep your boundaries. Imagine the familial stress if he goes off the rails again.
Tough love. Protect your other baby.