DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

[StuckInbetween]

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

Whilst almost no charities will be able to employ him either paid or as a volunteer because they work with, and may employ vulnerable people, there may be local charities that can help him find somewhere to live, provide drop-in centres, cv support, help with second hand clothes and furniture etc when he has somewhere to live. Be aware most will be Christian based. Suggest you take a good look at what’s available close to you.

In your position I would be supporting him to find a nice place close to where you live. I would go there as much as possible with food, shopping, meals. Ask the GP for free counselling for him to talk through his violent upbringing and his relationship with his father. I would tell him you love him unconditionally and always will. Keep hugging him. Support him to find a job and to start again.

This does not have to define him.

Totally agree with all that.

It is a difficult situation because he had a very different upbringing and early life experience than your second child and sadly has made some very bad decisions along the way. As others have said, you have a responsibility to both of your children as their mother but bringing DS1 back to your house may not be the best way of helping him find his feet. However, I do also agree that you could definitely support him in other ways. Particularly with helping him with food, looking for volunteer roles (ideally for ex-offenders) and seeing if he is willing to access any mental health support through your local NHS trust (you can often self refer without a GP referral).

@StuckInbetween Thank god your DH has his head screwed on and is talking sense.

I really feel for you but I can see how your son feels let down by you (not visiting often) and by your partner. I would have thought regular visits from people who are different to those you're sharing a cell with are the only things that will help prevent you from going back inside.

Your son has really lost his way. He's not asking to live with you - he must know that wouldn't work - so at least you're not in a position of having to deny him that.

If his probation officer thinks he's at high risk of reoffending then it sounds as though he knows more than you're currently being told. What was your son's behaviour like in prison?

I've never thought that a hostel and no job is the way to stop people from reoffending. A lot of companies are trying to support ex offenders but I imagine they have to show they are willing to change.

I would arrange to see my son each week, buy him some food, listen to him, and let him know I love him. I wouldn't bring my little child along right now.

‘He did ask if DP would come see him when he was first sentenced – proper asked me to ask him. But DP flat out refused, said he was dangerous and he wasn’t going anywhere near him. They’ve not spoken since.’

What on earth did he do? So he was 16/17 when convicted? 16 when the assault took place? You’ve said it’s serious and your DP seems absolutely disgusted by whatever he did? Did he disable someone and cause life changing injuries? For such a serious sentence at his age I’m quite shocked and your DPs reaction makes me think you aren’t quite being fully honest about what your son did. Sorry but I don’t find his sob story compelling at all. So many people have worst circumstances and don’t seriously assault someone to the point of having a GBH conviction and having their stepdad of 8 years go full no contact.

Something isn’t adding up here.

I think this seems like a fair and reasonable approach too!

He's an adult, he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He may need help with this if he didn't know how to before he went in. You can support him, and should support him but that doesn't mean he needs to live with you. You need to show him you love him, help him teach himself life skills, be a sounding board and emotional support but have boundaries and teach him to respect these. That will stand him in far better stead.

Absolutely cannot have him in your home with a 3 year old sorry. I work in a safeguarding role and social services would be all over it. I really hope you figure something out where you can support him in another way but not at the expense of your 3 year old. 💐

OP, you’ve said it yourself:

DS saw more than he should’ve

Don’t allow your youngest child to have the same experience.

There has been lots of good advice given on how you can support your eldest son without putting your youngest child at risk.

@Horserider5678 if you read my post correctly you’d see I was advocating for her staying in her sons life, not having him move in to her family home.

So sorry to hear this, what a worry for you.

I agree it’s important to help him feel supported. Please get him to an NA meeting. He will have an instant community who support him and don’t judge him. My brother went when he was rock bottom with w terrible addiction having lost everything and burnt so many bridges and he completely turned his life around due to the community’s support. It really is life changing.

he’s now married with a child and doing so well. That horrible time feels like a nightmare.

I think you can actually support both your children but they have different needs at this point in time. Helping out with courses and support for your eldest, and guiding him in what he can do to really show that he’s ready to turn things around would be a big help. I’d look into any recovering addicts support groups as well as that could start to give him a wider support circle

Agree with this. He needs consistency and unconditional love. But not enabling. There is a difference. My brother often said I saved his life, and I did, because I didn’t give up and always knew he was better than his behaviour. He we just very very sick.

There have to be concrete ways you can support him without living with him.

he is going to need help finding employment and eventually housing. Helping him do adult things he didn’t have a chance to learn like making doctor’s appointments.

keeping a family connection and meeting with regularly. You can’t ask your partner to meet with him, but you can ask your partner to guarantee to be available to watch your shared child while you go to a standing visit with your son.

He must have been a child when he committed the crime. I can see why OP feels as she does, he was let down by his parents. What did his probation officer suggest would be the best thing to prevent reoffending?

This is a brilliant suggestion. Glad your brother is doing so well now.

As said, you cannot have DS stay in your home with young children the risk to them is horrendous. By all means meet up with him away from your home and children offer whatever support/love you can you're still his mum after all.

Get him to ask probation about Railtrack training, it's maintenance on the railways, probation pay for the training and they get a guaranteed interview at the end, it's pretty decent pay and lots of opportunity for progression, also none of the concerns about disclosing offences because they know he's come through probation. Bonus is that to keep the job they have regular random drug tests (that's for all staff not just the prison leavers it's for health and safety reasons), so it can be a really good incentive for someone young with plenty of time to turn things around to keep clean.

At 14 he got a 6 years sentence? Must have been a terrible attack for the judge to sentence a juvenile to such a long prison sentence. Your son needs to start his own road to recovery, be committed to change and turn his life around. He needs to get a job, manage finances without getting back into drugs, gain some stability and take it day by day. Life after prison is very hard, he will face many obstacles in life with his criminal record. That's why so many reoffend, is much easier to sell drugs at the street corner then to get a job. Unfortunately this is the reality and this moment of uncertainity, right now is the most dangerous. I don't think society helps enough with the rehabilitation either and reintroducing ex convicts into society. He will need to find tools to navigate life with the baggage of the consequences of what he has done. He will need a lot of strength and will power. Don't get your little one involved in his recovery, is not fair. God bless you to gife you strenth to be able to support your son.

You sound lovely,OP, and it’s such a difficult situation.
I have only read your posts but if no one else has suggested this, could you or your son approach Timpson’s?

Dear oh dear, this is a sad situation. I will say that be careful of getting advice from random people on the internet...I think you are better off talking to local charities that help people who have been in the same situation you are in. That disclaimer said, below is my advice:

1. Absolutely NO to him moving in with your three-year-old. Just no.

2. Help DS into therapy to face his childhood issues. The addiction is him using substances to numb his feelings and until he faces those issues, he will be vulnerable to recidivism.

3. Help him get a place to live. Your local council or charities may be able to help as pp have pointed out.

4. Help him get into education and/or employment. It will be hard with his criminal record but there are charities that do help these men.

5. Help him into a support group like narcotics anonymous so he feels that there are people going through the same thing and can move forward.

6. Tell him you love him and show it in taking him meals, scheduling time with him while your younger son is in daycare or with other adults.

7. Talk to your partner. Your situation with your son is hard enough without having drama at home. Acknowledge his concerns and agree that your older son will not move in. But be firm that he is still your son and you will support him as far as you can.

8. Where are your older son's grandparents? Can either set be involved to act as a support system? Is it safe for his grandparents to visit him to show support? Or can they phone him, write to him, zoom call him, etc.?

9. Do you have siblings who can also act as a support system? An uncle/aunt just calling him up and asking how he is? Just so he can feel that he has family who genuinely care about his well-being even though he has messed things up.

10. Do you have a close friend/friends to talk to? Sometimes a sympathetic ear over a cup of tea does wonders. Toddlers often act out more as they pick up on the stress in the home, so just having a friend to vent to/air things out helps.

Wishing you the best in this tough situation, OP.

Did it ever occur to you to refrain from having a second family so that you could support the son who’s already been spectacularly failed by both parents??

Did it ever occur to you to refrain yourself from writing posts that are not helpfull or contributing in any way?