Is the commute too much to ask for?

[Mammia28272]

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

My dh looks forward to the podcasts he listens to when driving.

Would that help ?

If it is causing additional stress within the family, are you sure that the move will be a net-benefit for the child? Does it really have to be done?

Podcasts, music.

But have you really looked at all the options? A husband and father hating life is not good for any of you.

He sounds like he needs to get his head straight. It is not acceptable for his mood to impact on everyone and he needs to handle stress without using you all as an emotional punching bag. You need to tell him this and he needs to fix it. Non negotiable.

On a practical level always having an audiobook on the go can help immensely. He will be able to access to these free through the library and if he's always go some on hold will have a constant supply.

Check Google maps every morning before leaving so traffic situations aren’t a surprise. Have realistic expectations about how long it will take and where slow bits are. Listen to podcasts / music / audiobooks. My driving commute is one of my favourite bits of the day as I am listening to audiobooks.

And perhaps some stress management therapy? Don’t mean it to sound trite or patronising but the idea that having to drive each day will make him so stressed and angry doesn’t feel quite normal.

You have a child with SEN and a new baby and you’re worried that your husband is to stressed out? You have 3 emotionally incapable humans to deal with, what’s your stress level like?

I moved and now have to commute 1 hour each way. It’s not the best but it’s become so routine now it try not to let it bother me and see it as a necessary evil.
I know it’s stressful with traffic and other drivers but he needs to reframe this in his mind or find a new job closer to your new home

Can he think outside of the box - is there a shorter drive (possibly even in the wrong direction) that results in a reasonable cycle?

For me there's some routes that would be a painful 45m drive near me, but if I drove 10m through the suburbs to the canalways, I'd only be 25m cycling from the centre.

I’ve done various commutes it’s not the time or the distance it’s traffic and roads that are the problem
how realistic is 45minutes or is that going to turn into an hour
ironically the shortest commute I had was the worst
but moving to a town he doesn’t like losing his exercise and downtime addding roughly 10hrs of stressful commuting a week on top of a taxing and demanding job with a high needs special needs child and a new baby
and this to someone who already feels like there just about hanging on now I doubt it will end well

Consider changing jobs.

I find driving stressful and last time I had to commute a busy route to work i really struggled as pathetic as it sounds. I love walking to work now and wouldn't change it for the world, if he enjoyed cycling that's doubly shit. If it has to be done and will have a genuine positive effect on the family then yes he's going to have to find a way to manage it.

Thank you for all the replies.

DH does listen to audiobooks - he’ll definitely lean into this and podcasts when he starts commuting.

With traffic the journey could be 1h. We’ve looked at every option for DC, also where else to live, other routes to take, splitting the journey so it’s part cycling/train/running etc, which he will try a few times a week to vary things up, but those other options would add lots more time on the commute.

New house is further away from all the jobs in his field (and most jobs really - moving into this town but further away from the main city). He would have to completely retrain, we’d have less money and I think he’d just be unhappy in different way.

My feeling is that we chose to have kids, we need to put their wellbeing first, and we are lucky we even have options. He is angry and disappointed at the cards we’ve been dealt with.

Yes exactly this, the town we’re moving to has such badly designed roads and roundabouts that will add to his usual driving stress.

Could you stay where you are all happy and do the school commute instead of moving?

Would there be any scope for DH to consider a flexible working request? For example could he request to start earlier and finish earlier so he is travelling when the traffic is not as bad? Does he get a decent lunch break? Could he use that to run/cycle?

Quite. Crikey, he's an adult he has to find solutions or just get on with it.

One solution is to ask his employer whether he can start and finish earlier to avoid traffic. Another is to see if anyone will lift share. Or see if he can hybrid work. Or look for a new job in the longer term.

What he can't do is pile on more stress to you by complaining about it every single day.

I wouldn’t move.

but if you really really have to, Audible turned my one hour each way commute into a joy - I consumed so many books.

I'm struggling to see how this move is going to be in the best interests of the children given their dad will be more absent and more stressed. And he won't have the option to change jobs.

He needs to check himself before he wrecks himself.

These are the cards, deal with them. You’ve got options to help your dc. He has a job. He has a family. He has a home. If this is what you have to do, you have to do it. It’s a mindset problem not a commute problem. Nothing last forever.

I think this house move is a fast track to divorce. I wouldn’t do it.

We have considered this - I would be willing to try this for DH’s sake but it does risk DC’s mental wellbeing. DH feels this even more strongly than I do, so he says he’s willing to put up with the commute.

But sometimes he can be so angry and resentful of the cards we’ve been handed with DC. I feel that we chose to have kids and so we have have to make sacrifices for them, and their overall wellbeing is one of the keys to family happiness. I’ve seen how SEN is ripping apart other families. (But it’s easy for me to say this as I’m not the one commuting.) He agrees in theory but I’m worried he will end up blaming DC for his own unhappiness.

This is what I feel sometimes. We’ve had many talks about this. We are very fortunate in many ways to not have financial worries, to have an option for DC that many SEN families don’t, to have employment and DH actually enjoys his job and his employer even though it’s stressful.

The nature of the job does mean he can’t hybrid work or change his hours though, he has to be onsite 9-5. I think I’ll suggest he goes to work earlier or leaves later so he can go for a run or go to the gym and hopefully avoid the rush hour. (Though rush hour is an extended period of time nowadays with many people doing flexitime.)

Bit drama llama really.

My strategy was go early, leave late to miss the worst of the traffic (also get a bit of productive time at the beginning and end of the day when the office is quiet).

But I’m a chilled driver and am fairly forgiving of other drivers’ mistakes and behaviours.

I have kids who have SEN.

i feel very strongly that you have to make the best of the hands you are dealt, and I have supported them throughout my life.

at a time of severe stress - I also had a nervous breakdown and got severely mentally ill - I was having seizures and dissociative absences as a result of the stress I was under.

it’s possible to both believe that you have to do your best for your children and have a breakdown.

it might be worth you both stepping back as a family and considering the whole situation. If the move absolutely has to be done then seriously look into support for both of you.