Is the commute too much to ask for?

[Mammia28272]

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

Does the specialist school your DC has a place at have transport options?

The only reason I am asking is that I used to live near an outstanding specialist school. There were loads of mini buses that transported the DC from quite a way away.
Is this an option for you ?

Stay in a hotel one or two times a week to avoid a 45 minute commute when he has SEN children? Don’t be ridiculous! The additional cost of that and the stress it would add to the OP far outweighs the inconvenience and stress of a 45 minute commute.

It’s only 45 minutes. If it was 1.5 hours or longer, maybe but 45 minutes and anything up to an hour I would consider to be a standard commute these days. Like a PP, I would just say tell him to leave early to avoid rush hour and get a ride or run in before work or at lunch time.

Yes the school would transport DC from our current home but it’s far, over hour without even considering rush hour and traffic. I’m worried the placement would fail just because the commute is too long. The school itself have said a long commute is a common reason why placements fail. So we’re moving closer to the school ave away from work. We are limited in our housing options between where we are now and where the school is. It’s very complicated. ☹️

If he didn’t have a car he’d be on public transport so why not just do the public transport option?

This comes from someone who really likes driving so may be off the mark but from what you’ve said the stress comes from a level of discomfort around driving. A 45 min commute isn’t excessive by most standards. Could he do some advanced driving lessons? If he were more comfortable on the roads his stress levels wouldn’t be as affected.

Public transport is bus-train-bus. First bus is not reliable.

Also it would still take 2-2.5h - he’d have to leave home at 6am.

Could he buy a folding bike eg Bickerton - bike to train, then bike from station to work?

Has dc started at the school? I wouldn’t move until they’d spent some time there.
what if you move & the school doesn’t turn out to be suitable?

He’s actually a very good and safe driver, he’s comfortable on both the motorway or rural roads - he’s done this journey lots of times - but he hates driving in busy towns and cities. He hates bad drivers and when they do stupid things he gets stressed. I’m thinking he needs to find a way to manage this stress if he has to face it every day.

There are routes than avoid going through the town centre but they are huge rural diversions. He’s open to taking them occasionally to vary his route.

Yes we’ve discussed this as a possibility. He would have to cycle up a huge hill - I’m not sure it’s advisable on a Brompton. 😅

Yes this is a possibility. 😭 But I’m also worried that the commute would be a reason the placement fails. The school itself said a long commute is a common reason for a placement failing. I feel like we need to give DC the best chance of success before we consider other options.

Respectfully, allowing himself to become stressed to the point it affects him mentally, by other drivers or how road systems work, suggests he perhaps is not confident and entirely safe on the roads. It’s something to consider looking into.

I used to travel a lot for work but my last permanent job got chucked because frankly I got sick to death of the ridiculous commute, I took vol redundancy and never looked back. And I like driving but this commute was just awful.

I could have moved nearer, it was a spcialist job I couldn't easily find elsewhere, but closer meant leaving the semi-rural position I live in for a less pleasant place to live. Public transport is a joke and the train line is down frequently and involved two changes and over 2 hours if everything ran on time, which of course it never does.

I can well understand your DHs frustration. No one is a safe driver when they are stressed and stress weighs heavily on anyones health, and affects loved ones too. If your DH is already stressed, it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better for you all.

I commute, and I have a choice of about 20 minutes or just over an hour.

For the 20min drive, I leave early (6:45) ... over an hour would be anything after 7:30.
Is flexible time an option so he can start/ leave work earlier to avoid the worst of the traffic?

Pop a propranolol before driving?
He really does need to nut up and turn his anger into action. He needs to get himself to the GP and get himself a plan.
Personally, life as a single mum with SEN children is much simpler now the angry, resentful man is out of our home.

What a man baby!!! Really? He’s so stressed he can’t drive for less than an hour? He’s made the choice to move, now he has to deal with it. You’re not his emotional support pet. Yes, having a child with SEN is tough, incredibly tough. But it sounds like there are other solutions here and you’re both cutting off your noses to spite your face. I’d try the school before moving close to it. If it’s the right fit, the commute won’t be the end of the world.

The school itself said a long commute is a common reason for a placement failing. I feel like we need to give DC the best chance of success before we consider other options.

I’d take that with a pinch of salt - the school will have an eye to their transport costs. It’s much better for them if you move because they don’t need to factor a long commute into their transport plans. School transport should come with an escort to support your child and help them.

It sounds like in every other way your current location is better for your family, you’re giving up a lot of local support in a safe area to move somewhere you’ll presumably need to rebuild your network - that’s no easy thing. I’d wait until your child is in school and see how it goes. Specialist provision can be fantastic, but not every child fits every school. I’d want to be very sure it’s the right setting before uprooting myself from a good location to accommodate school.

He sounds cosseted and you are being made to enabling this.

I walk 15 mins, take a bus for 40 mins that stops frequently and means Im right next to people then walk 15 mins - and I only live in the suburbs. I don't like it much and find the bus journey frustrating but heyho. How is this different to what you described...

But being around bad driving or having to manage bad road design, plus traffic stresses him out, and having to manage it twice a day five days a week, I feel really bad for him.

Boohoo I say! Having to manage bad road design! How many bad drivers does he meet on a daily basis! It reads like you are having to walk on eggshells around him. I bet he would complain if he had to do my commute.

I did wonder given his views while reading this if this is the start of him checking out of this life and having a do-oever. It's not that uncommon sadly for men to completely disconnected and then move on.

The school don’t organise or pay for transport though, the local authority does.

Would he consider therapy? It feels a bit bigger than the commute. I know it's tricky with men but if he is near breaking point and the move has to happen...

I wouldn't be moving. Ds should be able to get transport provided by the council.
I have a ds who goes to special needs school and the journey is 1hour 10 minutes each way.

The school don’t organise or pay for transport though, the local authority does.

Do you honestly think the local authority won’t be saying to schools to keep transport costs as low as possible? My DD attends a specialist school, there was a serious safeguarding concern with another pupil on the same transport as her - it was the devils own job to get the school to understand there was a need to change transport arrangements. They weren’t paying for the transport but they certainly had influence over the arrangements and weren’t happy that the change would cost more.

When your child has additional support needs you can get into a mindset where X change will make things easier. You don’t know yet whether your child will settle in the school and you’re moving from an ideal location on the basis that things will be better if you do. Regardless of your DHs commute I’d take a breath before making such a big move.

Does your husband have set working hours? My husband has to commute into work, takes 45 minutes to an hour, depending on traffic. However, he's allowed to start work at 7 am (so the journey into work is half an hour) and leaves at 4 pm (journey takes 45 minutes). I appreciate not all employers offer flexible working patterns. Could he ask his employer? My husband hates traffic (don't we all!) but usually listens to music on the way home.

Getting that stressed about bad driving sounds a bit pathetic. He’s an adult and should be able to regulate his emotions better than that.

That said, it sounds from your posts as if this is a decision that you have made for the family and he’s being required to accept it against his wishes. He doesn’t want to, and therefore has no motivation to get over feeling stressed, because being unhappy with the commute is how he’s communicating his unhappiness with the whole change.

Have you looked into the possibility of your child travelling to school by taxi? If his needs aren’t being met at his current school, it may be possible for the council to cover this cost. Even if you had to pay it yourself, surely what you’d save on EA fees, solicitors and stamp duty would allow for this? You could at least try it- if it doesn’t work you’d always have the option of moving at a later stage.

While I appreciate how important the right school is, it does sound as if this move is going to cause as many problems as it solves, if indeed it does solve any problems.

The commute is what it is. No way around it really unless he finds a new job closer to home. You will certainly notice the increase in petrol expenditure though from cycling to a 45 hour each way drive.