Is the commute too much to ask for?

[Mammia28272]

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

YOU are the priority in this situation. Please see that and explain that to him.

He needs to be philosophical about heavy traffic. There are definitely worse things in the world than sitting in a comfortable car listening to an audiobook.

Please don’t move. My parents moved to somewhere they hated for the “sake of the children” (my DB and I). The consequences were hugely far reaching and continue to this day. Growing up with unhappy parents will never leave your children and has the potential to echo down generations if it impacts how they in turn build their lives.

Happy children need happy parents. That’s more important than school provision could ever be.

As with most things, he will probably get used to it. He will learn where the shit parts are and where the parts are that he can zone out somewhat.

If it doesn’t work 5 days a week, then yes, he can start to look at the occasional travelodge or perhaps compressed hours and a 9 day fortnight so he gets a break every other Wed etc.

If the child’s school placement fails, that will impacf all of you. I think it’s very likely that long transport is hard for a child with SEN to cope with and does cause issues, that it isn’t just a thing the school is saying,

If the transport doesn’t work out and DC takes against the school, it could be very hard to move then and re introduce the school.

Me too to be honest. Is it because you will be closer to a school or services for the SEN child? It really seems like you are giving up a lot to gain little and both could regret this unless there is a substantial reason that affects the children.

My commute recently was 45 minutes of driving and then a 15 minute walk. I changed jobs to one which is 30 minutes driving only. The amount of work/life balance I feel just from having an hour of my life back to myself cannot be undersold. And for all those saying podcasts or music, you’re still driving..still in traffic and still with all of the to do list of work and home to complete when you get there. I actually drive in silence at the moment because I’m so mentally overstimulated. My husband has a 10 minute commute, and he mostly does the kids pick up and drop off. He has the luxury of knowing that he can squeeze in an extra meeting at 1700 and still be able to collect on time. For my last job, I would have to have left by 1615 to make sure I was back on time.

It all sounds very unfortunate, OP.

Can he change the way he thinks about the drive and consider it 'him' time — a chance to wind down in the gap between the stresses of work and the stresses of home? Podcasts, creating a favourite music playlist, deliberately designing a relaxed audio background to drive to — would these help?

Also, if he gets ridiculously wound up by other drivers it sounds as if he could benefit from some meditation and mindfulness techniques. It sounds as if he blames the rest of the world — the children, the other drivers, his work — for the way he feels when actually he might be better putting his energy into changing the way he reacts to these things.

What chance is there that he could wfh a day or two a week?

How old is your child? Senior school children often do an hours travelling - walk to bus stop, bus, then walk to school. I appreciate that your child has additional needs, but door to door may be fine. They’ll probably just doze. I wouldn’t move either, and it sounds like the proposed area is somewhere you don’t actually want to live and actually feel unsafe in, rather than just a less pretty area.

It is clear from OP's posts that the move is to be closer to a specialist school for her older DC.

I hadn’t seen that at the time I posted. Thanks

OP, I came on to say exactly the same. Don’t move yet. The school day is short, your child will be at home much more than they will ever be at school. They will be at home for weeks during holiday holidays. Your home environment now will be much much better for your child.
One thing I found with a child who attended a special school was that the children came from a very wide geographical area. Parents generally didn’t take or collect and so there wasn’t really that opportunity for out of school friendships to develop. Don’t underestimate the value of living near other children who know and accept and are kind to your child
Our now adult child had the same 1 hr commute to their specialist provision by school minibus for over 12 years. There was no stress for them in their commute. They had the same driver and escort for years. They sang songs, they chatted ( in their own limited way) they became a real “gang” even though they all had their own level of disability and were of different ages.
Looking further ahead, if your older child has been collected by school minibus this will give you time in the morning to get your youngest child ready for school etc. You have to play the long game when you have a child with SEN, it is tiring and exhausting so I would urge you both to avoid adding any additional stress where you have options. You will need all the strength you have.

As OP has a new baby, I would imagine (though not definite, of course) that it is a primary rather than secondary school. I would also imagine that if OP thought her child with high emotional needs would just doze on the hour-plus journey, that they would not be contemplating the move.

How busy is the train he would need to take?

I used to do bike-train-bike to work and because I was commuting on a quiet route (opposite direction to most traffic) I could take my full size bike on the train. Took a lock to leave at work so that I didn't have to lug it around.

Alternatively, you can get electric bromptons that could help with the hill - although I found even the regular one to be an unwieldy pain to carry.

I think doing a trial of a commute that still has biking is important so your DH can see how doable it is.

I feel for him a lot - once you have kids the time for exercise goes out the window and an active commute really helps me stay healthy and improves my mental health.

Is there a hybrid option? I faced a commute part train part tube- tube bit was horrid. So I purchased a Brompton (foldable bike). For some years I had massive fun with it. I really miss it.

This

You and your DH stress level must be through the roof already and house moves are one of the biggest stresses of all.

Does it really need to be one massive drastic change to everyone's lives? There has to be more than the nuclear option on the table

I think many posters are underestimating the stress that city driving can cause some people. I would rather drive 3 hours on country roads than do the commute the op is suggesting her husband do.
I also think the school transport should be trialled before doing something so huge you all regret it.

Is there another town option altogether. A bigger move but somewhere there are jobs and suitable schools in the same location?
Me and dh commuted for years 1 hour each way and its not great tbh. And you will end up doing most of the stuff with kids if DH is leaving earlier and coming back later and will also need time to unwind and find additional time for excercise as you said this is how he destresses, then it is inportant for him to still find time in the week to do this. This will leave less time for you to find your own destressing activities.
Its not uncommon to commute for an hour though, but when you had SEN kids yoh need to find the path of least resistance. We both now took lower income jobs to be nearer home as we can't use childcare, so we have to be home as much as possible
Have you looked at other options entirely, like moving to another city.
Or looking at train routes to DH job??

Is the school in the new town or near it? Are there any villages near to the new school so dh could avoid the town traffic?

Was going to say this. Could you look at living somewhere that avoids driving through the first town to get to DH's workplace

Not what you want to hear, but I found this article fascinating, as it totally reflected my experience.
https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/commute-times-unhappiness-carpooling-productivity.html

I had a commute of 1hr - 1h15, and it made me extremely unhappy. I ended up leaving the job.

I would suggest you don't move and look at other options for the child, or look further afield to another town where you might be able to find a better compromise?

Also - I would try the child in the school first for a year, with a commute, before making the decision to move everyone and husband giving up his job. What if the child is not happy there?

Sell it to him how fit he'd be if he did that daily

Yes and there is always the issue of long term road maintenance too.

I went from a 40 min drive that wasn't fab to a 1 hour 40 min one for over 3 years because of roadworks. Public transport was possible but even longer. It killed the job stone dead for me.

When commutes are too long it really eats into your day, I don't see how a stressed husband out of the house for longer is the best option for OP who will have to spend even longer on her own raising the children then putting up with him being stressed all night. In a worse area with fewer ops for support. I don't know ops full situation but it sounds to me like the least viable option

An hours commute to work isn't that unusual surely?

Does he feel like he would be resentful of DC for this?

I totally understand as I have an autistic DC, and it can feel like you've been dealt a rough hand sometimes but I could never resent my DC for choices we have to make and get on with. It isn't their fault.

If he genuinely does feel like he might harbour some resentment and struggles to manage his emotions in traffic then before moving anywhere he needs to start some counselling.

From your posts it sounds like he also has a lot of rigid thinking and is averse to change, so I'd recommend some private somatic or trauma based counselling if he wants to explore it further.

Its such a shame to see so many posters dismissing the OPs husbands mental health and feelings.

If a woman were posting saying she felt this way because her husband was insisting on moving to a new place people would be up in arms and calling it controlling abuse.

@Mammia28272 Your husband is being loud and clear about his mental health and his current state and you really need to think twice about this.

You say the move is for your child’s well being but if it ultimately leads to your marriage breaking down and you having to move again was it really worth it?