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Original poster

Is the commute too much to ask for?

278 replies

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 18:45

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

OP posts:
stickygotstuck · 19/05/2025 09:38

@Mammia28272 ,
I won't comment on your husband.

But I really would advise against moving now. As others PPs say, wait until your child has settled into the new school.

Not all specialist schools work for all children. I've seen parents move heaven and earth for a special school which didn't work out. In fact, moving for a school you have no experience of (SEN or not) is rarely a good idea.

Your son may hate it and then all the upheaval will have been for nothing. Which won't help a SEN chiid.

Hopefully, best case scenario will be that your child will settle and be happy in the new school and the trip to school won't be an issue. This could actually be social time with other similar kids.

I would think twice before losing what you describe as an idyllic place to live. Your quality of life is so so important.

NowYouSee · 19/05/2025 09:39

What exactly does your DH want here, within the realms of the possible? Is he actually saying he disagrees with your analysis and you shouldn’t move? Or does he accept this is the only way and is just whining about how life isn’t fair?

Being handed a longer commute is nobody’s preference but an hour each side of 9-5 is a normal existence and not something I would see as regularly needing to stay over. If he finds his job very stressful perhaps he should work on resolving that rather than scowling at you.

Dreambouse · 19/05/2025 09:39

Itisallabitvague · 19/05/2025 08:42

YOU are the priority in this situation. Please see that and explain that to him.

Why?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PeopleWillAlwaysNeedPlates · 19/05/2025 09:39

I have a high-needs child and an ex-husband who walked away.

To be blunt, whether or not you make this move your DH needs some therapy. He is going to have to take responsibility to work through the anger and resentment that you describe. It will eat away at him and damage your family unit.

SheilaFentiman · 19/05/2025 09:41

If a woman were posting saying she felt this way because her husband was insisting on moving to a new place people would be up in arms and calling it controlling abuse.

Luckily, that isn't the situation - the OP says in response to possibly trying the school transport:

I would be willing to try this for DH’s sake but it does risk DC’s mental wellbeing. DH feels this even more strongly than I do, so he says he’s willing to put up with the commute.

TheAmusedQuail · 19/05/2025 09:43

@Mammia28272 have you both considered the possibility of him staying overnight near work a couple of days a week? He'd get a rest from driving AND have a break from demanding family life, so hopefully the rest of the week's burden would be less on him as a result.

If he found somewhere nearish work, he could cycle those days. AND go for an extended cycle in his added free time after work.

Nousernamesleftatall · 19/05/2025 09:44

45 minutes is a short commute for most people.

Snoken · 19/05/2025 09:44

DaisyChain505 · 19/05/2025 09:37

Its such a shame to see so many posters dismissing the OPs husbands mental health and feelings.

If a woman were posting saying she felt this way because her husband was insisting on moving to a new place people would be up in arms and calling it controlling abuse.

@Mammia28272 Your husband is being loud and clear about his mental health and his current state and you really need to think twice about this.

You say the move is for your child’s well being but if it ultimately leads to your marriage breaking down and you having to move again was it really worth it?

But that isn't the situation. They have both decided that they need to move for their child's sake. OP isn't forcing him. He has agreed to it but now he's is angry about his own decision and is taking it out on OP who feels like she has to somehow fix it. I get it too that it's not ideal for him, but he has no business taking his anger out on the rest of the family when nobody is forcing him to do anything and he hasn't even done the commute yet.

Circular00Route · 19/05/2025 09:46

From experience a 45 minute commute, can double or triple in time due to bad weather, accidents or road works

Beware

nightmarepickle2025 · 19/05/2025 09:48

Electric folding bike

SapporoBaby · 19/05/2025 09:52

How long would it take him on a bike? Could he drive part way to somewhere he can park up and then cycle part there and back and drive part?

FrenchandSaunders · 19/05/2025 09:54

Why is this all on you to 'fix'. You've got enough on your plate.

Scentedjasmin · 19/05/2025 09:57

It's not just the commute though. It doesn't sound like you like the new town and are not happy with the decision either. Are there any other options at all? Staying put but paying for additional support? Joining/arranging meet ups with other SEN kids locally or further afield on a weekend? If it was just a case of your husband's commute, that would be different. Could you accept the placement and remain where you are with a view to relocating after a few months if DC settle. Could you rent out your house and rent a place in the new town and see how things go? That would give you more time to familiarise yourself with the area and find the best safest places to live.

HumaneMouseTrap · 19/05/2025 09:57

OP I’d advise against making any major
life decisions based on specialist schooling. We’ve been through 3 different ‘perfect on paper’ school settings for our SEN child and they have not worked out for various reasons. They were all at least a 45 min commute from home but if we’d moved to be close to the first ‘perfect’ one, we’d have been nearly 2 hours from the next two.
Let your child settle and know that they are a good fit (in reality) before making any decisions to move.

VelvetUndergrounds · 19/05/2025 10:06

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 22:22

DC will be closer to a specialist school near new town where he has a place. Larger home. Downsides, more crime (though it is one of the safer parts of town.) Local FB group mentioned scooters being nicked off smaller kids, bullying, so need to keep a very close eye on him.

Village has familiarity of people and place, people/other kids are kind and look out for DC, plus much, much safer - you can leave scooters around and be confident they will still be there later, can also give DC a small measure of independence here. Downside, school have done everything they can but it can’t meet his needs. DC will never make deep friendships here, needs to be around kids who are like him.

Show quote history

You don’t happen to be moving to Somerset, by any chance? This town sounds exactly like mine!

Heronwatcher · 19/05/2025 10:06

This might not be possible but could you get a 3 month Airbnb in the new area and “try” if first?

Otherwise I think the idea of staggering the commute so he’s there early is good. But overall I think you need to have a serious chat as if you do move you can’t have him in a filthy mood every evening or him throwing it back at you every time you argue. He needs to be genuinely on board or you don’t go.

The other thing is if you post under a different name on the property board the area of the school/ work and your budget, and ask for nice areas you might get some different suggestions.

SheilaFentiman · 19/05/2025 10:08

This might not be possible but could you get a 3 month Airbnb in the new area and “try” if first?

This is a good idea if the DC with SEN could stand it, we did something like this to test a commute (albeit for a week not 3 months, but perhaps a month would be a good compromise)

sesquipedalian · 19/05/2025 10:09

“He is angry and disappointed at the cards we’ve been dealt with.”

And he also doesn’t want the commute. You say you are all happy living where you are in the village. As others have advised, I’d stay out until you’re sure that DC is actually settled and happy in his new school. I take it there’s nowhere between the town and your current village that you could move to, thatnwould be a compromise? What I would worry about would be DH being eaten up by the commute and the change in your circumstances to the point that he walks away. Would you rather take a chance on your son’s transport, or take a chance on your marriage?

SalfordQuays · 19/05/2025 10:10

I’m astounded you’re prepared to leave a home you love, move to a shitty area where kids are bullied and have their stuff stolen, knowing it’ll make your husband depressed, knowing your relationship will be damaged - and all for a school that your child might hate! That’s surely insane!

The obvious course of action is to try the new school, and if your child likes it, but finds the journey a challenge, then consider moving. Messing up everyone’s life for a school that might be absolutely terrible is a crazy idea.

My cousin has 2 kids with SEN, and must have been through about 8 schools in total. Perfect on paper doesn’t always mean it works.

If you do move you’ll be back on here in a few years talking about your divorce.

Sugargliderwombat · 19/05/2025 10:11

Riverswimmers · 18/05/2025 19:18

He sounds like he needs to get his head straight. It is not acceptable for his mood to impact on everyone and he needs to handle stress without using you all as an emotional punching bag. You need to tell him this and he needs to fix it. Non negotiable.

On a practical level always having an audiobook on the go can help immensely. He will be able to access to these free through the library and if he's always go some on hold will have a constant supply.

But it sounds like the op is the one who has decided to move? Switch husband and wife and noone would be on their side I expect.

tara66 · 19/05/2025 10:13

Haven't read thread but why doesn't DH spend 1 or 2 nights in a Travel Lodge every week instead of all the driving home?

SheilaFentiman · 19/05/2025 10:14

Sugargliderwombat · 19/05/2025 10:11

But it sounds like the op is the one who has decided to move? Switch husband and wife and noone would be on their side I expect.

Show quote history

No - from her posts, DH feels even more strongly than she does that the DC’s needs come first. To quote:

I would be willing to try this for DH’s sake but it does risk DC’s mental wellbeing. DH feels this even more strongly than I do, so he says he’s willing to put up with the commute

Peacepleaselouise · 19/05/2025 10:15

So tough. We have a child in specialist and a child in mainstream. The nearest specialist is only a few miles away but it’s an hour and half my LA transport (a specialist bus service). We made the difficult decision that our SEN child does need to travel by transport even though it’s not ideal. It would take an hour in rush hour anyway and we have to consider our other child whose school is unfortunately near our home in the other direction. Overall we felt that we can better support our SEN child when the rest of the family is in an even keel. We both work full time though and neither of our work places are near the specialist school. This was a few years ago and it has been the right choice overall. Our SEN child manages okay, we can still pay the bills and our other child is thriving in his school.

dimsiaradcymraeg · 19/05/2025 10:16

I get both sides. I would suggest staying where you are and trying school transport for the first term or two at least. Your current location sounds ideal and provides a wonderful way of life for you all. School is not the be all and end all. Revisit the situation once your DC is settled and go from there.

Lurker85 · 19/05/2025 10:17

He needs to put it in perspective but he’s looking at it the wrong way. Compared to his previous cycle ride, an hour commute in the car sounds shit. But remind him that alot of people have to commute and travel up to 2 hours across various tubes, trains and buses plus walks. He is at least warm and comfortable in his car and can listen to podcasts or music. He also gets 1.5 - 2 hours by himself a day which as a parent sounds like the most peaceful time of the day. It’s out of order of him to be putting the solution to this on you and letting it affect his mood that much when you also have enough to deal with.