Is the commute too much to ask for?

[Mammia28272]

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

Oh my God. Poor lambikins. I do not know the extent of.this child's needs but if they have to move I would assume they are significant. Mum is doing all the caring, with a baby. That Mum will continue to do all the caring. This might mean
going without sleep,
intimate care,
dealing with illnesses that can be life threatening
putting on gastro feeds,
chasing up appointments,
going to appointments, ( all over the place)
communicating with school in a way that a parent of a mainstream child will not need to
Lifting into wheelchairs
Lifting out of wheelchairs
Visits out involving finding adapted bathrooms and lifts ( not just for the first couple of years)
Dealing with undesirable behaviours that continue long into adult life
Advocating for their child because there is limited communication and their child may not develop mentally beyond 18months
Physio
Dealing with EHCPs
Speech therapy
Chasing up splints
Chasing up medication
never being able to be an ordinary Mum at the gate
And top of that terrible terrible loneliness and isolation .

He gets an hour to himself there and back each working. Day.
She is not getting that. He might possibly "babysit" and then be so useless she never asks him again.
This is his child too but he gets to walk out each day

This might not be the case but I bet it is.

All I can suggest is favourite music and chill don't be in a hurry just get the mind set you only live once so enjoy every minute you can, also stop caffeine it destresses you.

What a fertile imagination.
And contempt for hardworking breadwinners.

No fertile imagination needed. I see this everyday in my job.
Respect for hardworking breadwinners? Gosh for a moment I thought we were in 2025 not 1955

Well the OP hasn't said any of that so you have no idea, you also have no idea how much he does. It is pointless just making stuff up.

But you don't know if ai am way off the mark or not.

No contempt!

neither the SAHP nor the WOHP in a family with a new baby and a child with SEN struggling to find a suitable school place is having an easy time. That’s all.

Well the OP talks about kids having their scooters stolen and she'd need to keep an eye on him so doesn't sound like she's lifting him in and out of a wheelchair. Maybe the OP will come back and confirm your picture of her child.

It doesn’t matter if other people find 45 minutes driving easy, op’s dh is nervous about the drive. Thats all that matters in this situation.

Sorry I can't find that bit.

But he’s not in general a nervous driver, he just doesn’t like the town traffic. Few do.

I think the specialist school is a bit of a red herring. The fact is that you've outgrown your rented house and can't afford to buy in your preferred location. It's really really common for growing families to need to move to a less desirable/further away area to afford a big enough place.

Maybe if your child didn't have SEN, you would have been able to put off moving for longer, but it sounds like it would have happened at some point. I think if your DH can view the move as the result of a choice to have children, and not due to the SEN, then it might be easier for him to accept.

Re the driving, would it help him to view his commute as a driving video game where you get points for driving well and calmly? If he can think of other drivers as NPCs who are just programmed to drive that way, then that may remove some of the emotion around it and enable him to deal with it without getting so worked up.

It's in a post where she talks about the new area being rougher and bullying with older kids taking scooters off younger kids.

Do everything you can to stay where you are. Moving is stressful anyway, and with two children - one a new baby - you are hardly likely to have a good transition.

How much traffic is in the village where you are? Is there more traffic in the new town you are wanting to move to? How much pollution is caused by the traffic? If your DC has always lived with less traffic and lower pollution, is it wise to subject her to that risk? Is the NB at risk if the pollution is higher in the new place?

If your DH enjoys cycling to work, the traffic is probably not too much. If you move and he has to drive, it points to more traffic around you.

I would wait until there are more electric cars on the road. Too much traffic causes asthma, a killer disease. Do please think very carefully. If it is a matter of schools, can your ESN child be absorbed into the village school at least until the baby is older? If not, how far to the nearest special school? is transport available?

Why is it best to uproot your SEN child? Has someone told you she will be better off somewhere else?

Can he work flexi hours and leave each way earlier to beat the traffic.

As others have said are you sure this is best for DC if it causes turmoil for the parents and possibly breakdown of the family?

I loved my bike commute to work. Then i got hit by a car and destroyed my shoulder. Gutted.

Then i got an indoor cycle trainer with a smart app so can go ride whenever i like! Worked for me. Maybe an option?

Ouch, as a man I would tell you to be very careful with this one, from what I can get her is that the man does not want this and is, in small terms trying to tell you but you are not listening because you just want it your way and saying it's for the benefit of the children.

Wouldn't surprise me in a year or two you may find yourself being a single mother.

I would bet my entire pension on it, unfortunately.

What about the post where DH is even more pro doing this for DC1 than the OP?

I have a circa forty minute commute during term time (can be an hour plus with traffic or roadworks), I listen to a podcast on the way in and music driving home. It breaks it up while still providing a routine, and I hate it less than I thought, especially now it’s my norm. He needs to give it a decent shot, because it will be hard at first, but genuinely get easier.

It's a long thread now, but in case you don't know, you can easily read just the OP's posts before posting. You just tap the 'see all' option on their posts.

Unfortunately his work hours can't be flexible due to the nature of his job/position.

He could bus bus bus or bus train bus home if he doesn't want to run home?!

personally I'd rather drive. Take coffee & listen to the radio.

Unfortunately due to a medical event I can't drive at the moment (it could be for quite a long time 😢) & I actually miss my commute. Coffee/LBC. I even miss Nick Bloody Ferrari!! For some reason I don't enjoy listening to it at home, just in the car.

I don't suppose telling DH to be grateful he can drive will help much though - sorry.

Could you look at living somewhere else? So half way between his job and the school? I wouldn't move to a town where there is high crime rate. That would be enough to put me off. I can understand why your husband is unhappy. I spent years travelling for work when my dc were little and it broke me (at least 1.5 hours each way, when it was a lot less without traffic). Is there anyway you can make the trip to school for your dc any better? I'd certainly be looking at somewhere else to move to if you feel you 100% need to move.

I would like to share with you some experience that you could consider. They are only suggestions.

How often have you taken your DC to the town you are planning to move to?

I ask, because two of mine wilt in towns. Why I don't know. My daughter loves to go shopping, but less than an hour and you can see the strain on her face and have to come home.

Why not stay where you are and see how the travel to school goes? DC may have special needs, but despite the length of time, the DC will be able to see other places and that could help the development. SEN children have that capacity, given the opportunity.

If you do move, you will have a DC to learn to accept a new house, new school, and the DH the stress of driving to work, which can cause hypertension and other diseases. Also I have heard that the increase in testicular cancer could be that men sit too long at a time in the car/bus/train/work, generating heat which is dangerous.

Newborns are also very aware of change, and that could be a problem

Make a pros and cons list. DC SEN, change location, change school, change the way of life? DH unhappy with the change of life that will be, and the new baby, all this, and you have to organise a move. According to statistics published, moving house is top of the list for causing stress. Can you take that without breaking? Whether your DC will like a new location, a new school is not certain right now, so why not stay where you are for a bit longer and see how DC copes with the travel to and from school. It is just a suggestion to consider, not an order!

Also, consider the conditions for your DH: can he take the changes he will make? Few men like to change. Your DH is not keen, and you have to consider the happiness of your life together. If everything is on a reasonably good level, why rock the boat? Perhaps he is worried about the driving and doesn't want to tell you. Some men store up resentment, and if your DH doesn't do that, he may if he is unhappy with the move and content to stay where he is.

You, also, have to consider your life, in a new location with unknown people in the street. If you like moving and making new friends, that is fine, but if in doubt, don't.

So - when you say larger house and more affordable in the new location, commute aside are there other positives you can focus on with your DH? Are you buying this home? Will he have hobby space like a decent size garage he can potter in if he's a cyclist? Or somewhere to put one of those fancy stationary exercise bikes? Are there things you can get out and do more easily as a family?

We relocated to a country town for schools and childcare reasons, the usual, nothing as complex as your situation but it means a long commute. Having more space to live in, things we can do that we couldn't in London has made a huge difference to our lives. The commute is a sod but the pluses have been huge.