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Original poster

Is the commute too much to ask for?

278 replies

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 18:45

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 19/05/2025 07:36

Could he park his bike at a train station or a park and ride, drive to there, and then cycle to work? That would mean a shorter drive and he’d get his cycle in.

Leafstamp · 19/05/2025 07:38

Jeevesnotwooster · 18/05/2025 20:04

I'm struggling to see how this move is going to be in the best interests of the children given their dad will be more absent and more stressed. And he won't have the option to change jobs.

This.

EweCee · 19/05/2025 07:41

How about having 2 bikes: an electric decent bike to get from home, up the steep hill to the ststion - lock and leave it there for day, then another (not electric, cheap) bike left at the station on the other end that take him from station to work. And then the reverse on way home? I've seen this done before on one of my work commutes.

Or just drive to station, park and take train.

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Roseshavethorns · 19/05/2025 07:42

I honestly think you should try the school transport with your DC before you decide to move. They may surprise you and tolerate it really well.
Your present village sounds like a really positive place for them and I would worry about moving to a town that would offer them less freedom and support. Add to that a very unhappy parent and increased stress and I struggle to see that there would really be a benefit to DC.
If you really have to move would it be possible for DH to do some form of park and ride so that he avoids the very worst part of the commute in the busy town?

dudsville · 19/05/2025 07:43

In an already complex situation, every part of the system needs to be as well as possible so that all hands are available to work towards the greater good. Every part of the system needs understanding.

tripleginandtonic · 19/05/2025 07:50

SingtotheCat · 18/05/2025 19:59

Could you stay where you are all happy and do the school commute instead of moving?

They seems the most obvious thing to do.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/05/2025 07:56

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 20:17

The nature of the job does mean he can’t hybrid work or change his hours though, he has to be onsite 9-5. I think I’ll suggest he goes to work earlier or leaves later so he can go for a run or go to the gym and hopefully avoid the rush hour. (Though rush hour is an extended period of time nowadays with many people doing flexitime.)

This could work well. Especially if there's a gym or something near work. Leave early so the drive isn't as bad, go to the gym for his exercise/outlet, start work, come home.

But it will mean that the "home" side of things is entirely on you for a very long day. How do you feel?

glittereyelash · 19/05/2025 08:07

Maybe a counsellor would be helpful. It can be very difficult having an SEN child and leading a very different life than you expected. Your husband sounds like he is trying his best but struggling. It's not always a case of just get on with it, moving is a very big life change and he's allowed to have thoughts and feelings but it sounds like hes just worked himself into a negative headapace. This isn't for you to fix, you have enough in your plate and you also need support. I think having someone for him to work through his feelings of resentment and stress might put less pressure on both of you. You sound lovely and I hope it all works out for you.

JohnAmendAll · 19/05/2025 08:10

Frankly, I'd stay in the village. Your child's education (which I assume is the reason for the move) will be over a lot quicker than your husband's career.

HotHoney · 19/05/2025 08:10

It sounds like a good idea on paper but If he’s already a ball of anger it isn’t going to work

Boredlass · 19/05/2025 08:13

mewkins · 18/05/2025 20:02

Quite. Crikey, he's an adult he has to find solutions or just get on with it.

One solution is to ask his employer whether he can start and finish earlier to avoid traffic. Another is to see if anyone will lift share. Or see if he can hybrid work. Or look for a new job in the longer term.

What he can't do is pile on more stress to you by complaining about it every single day.

Show quote history

I very much doubt you’d tell a woman just to get on with it.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/05/2025 08:20

I'm normally all for taking the woman's side, especially when children are involved but I can see where he's coming from. This will make him miserable and yet he is trying to put on a good attitude in the face of it.

I'd be tempted to try the school transport and see how your DC gets on at this school before uprooting to live somewhere that neither of you seen to like.

FrankyGoesToBollywood · 19/05/2025 08:22

Tell him to get a grip and suck it up would be my advice. What does him not dealing well with other drivers look like? He sounds like he’s making this all about him from what you’ve said.

IMadeSomeReal · 19/05/2025 08:23

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 22:22

DC will be closer to a specialist school near new town where he has a place. Larger home. Downsides, more crime (though it is one of the safer parts of town.) Local FB group mentioned scooters being nicked off smaller kids, bullying, so need to keep a very close eye on him.

Village has familiarity of people and place, people/other kids are kind and look out for DC, plus much, much safer - you can leave scooters around and be confident they will still be there later, can also give DC a small measure of independence here. Downside, school have done everything they can but it can’t meet his needs. DC will never make deep friendships here, needs to be around kids who are like him.

Show quote history

It sounds like a significant downgrade in the quality of life for all of you, when school transport might work out just fine.

Titasaducksarse · 19/05/2025 08:23

45 minutes is nothing really.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/05/2025 08:25

WhatNoRaisins · 19/05/2025 08:20

I'm normally all for taking the woman's side, especially when children are involved but I can see where he's coming from. This will make him miserable and yet he is trying to put on a good attitude in the face of it.

I'd be tempted to try the school transport and see how your DC gets on at this school before uprooting to live somewhere that neither of you seen to like.

The thing is, OP doesn't say what ages the child is, but does say they both know this is best for the child's wellbeing.

Which either means they've already tried school transport or it's not an option (given she says she'd be happy to try the school run but DH feels this is still the better option).

Annoyingsquirrels · 19/05/2025 08:29

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 22:45

Yes the school would transport DC from our current home but it’s far, over hour without even considering rush hour and traffic. I’m worried the placement would fail just because the commute is too long. The school itself have said a long commute is a common reason why placements fail. So we’re moving closer to the school ave away from work. We are limited in our housing options between where we are now and where the school is. It’s very complicated. ☹️

Show quote history

I would really consider the school transport option. My son has taken SEN transport since age 5 which has been over an hour and he has been absolutely fine. Pretty much everyone in his school has a long mini bus/taxi journey. You could at least give it a try and move closer later if it is not working.

slamdunk66 · 19/05/2025 08:29

Given your update and that there is a transport option for your dc, I’d trial that before uprooting the family. Your dc might be ok in transport. It’s fairly common for children to travel that far though it’s not ideal. If you’re moving will it even be sorted before the start of the new term?
new school and new house would be a lot of change for your dc. Add on that a stressed dad.

mewkins · 19/05/2025 08:33

Boredlass · 19/05/2025 08:13

I very much doubt you’d tell a woman just to get on with it.

Show quote history

Get on with a 45 min commute. Yes! Why wouldn't I????

BernardButlersBra · 19/05/2025 08:34

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 18:45

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

It's not your role to make it better. It's just one of those things and he needs to get on with it. From the people l know then a 45-60 minute commute 1 way is very average

AlorsTimeForWine · 19/05/2025 08:34

Is there a possibility of adjusted hours to miss some traffic or could he leave extra early like 6.15 and go to the gym or read or whatever 3 days a week.

yes, He needs to "find the fun" but God knows that can be hard these days...

The anger at the cards hes been dealt shouldnt be dismissed- if his job is decent do they have private medical? most cover counselling and / or couples therapy...which given the pressures on your marriage might be a good prophylactic choice

LetGoLetThem1234 · 19/05/2025 08:34

Before moving house, it would be sensible to wait until your child has been at the school long enough to know whether he's happy and well supported etc.

From what you have said it seems as though the assumption is that school transport option won't work for your child.

I would not be moving house based on an assumption.

OurManyEnds · 19/05/2025 08:38

BoredZelda · 18/05/2025 19:23

You have a child with SEN and a new baby and you’re worried that your husband is to stressed out? You have 3 emotionally incapable humans to deal with, what’s your stress level like?

Yeah, urgh, imagine still caring about your husband when you have kids. Embarrassing.

LemonLeaves · 19/05/2025 08:40

I would try the transport before moving.

Going to an area which is not as nice, that none of you want to move to, which has higher crime and problems with bullying...versus the village where you currently live where everyone is happy and the only issue is getting to school.

What are you going to do if you move to the new place, the school commute is fine but everyone hates it, your H is miserable and the kids are being bullied? Would you be able to afford to move back, or would you be priced out?

I'm not saying never move - sometimes it's unavoidable. But I would be making sure it's absolutely unavoidable, before committing to something so expensive and high risk.

MyBirthdayMonth · 19/05/2025 08:41

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 23:10

He’s actually a very good and safe driver, he’s comfortable on both the motorway or rural roads - he’s done this journey lots of times - but he hates driving in busy towns and cities. He hates bad drivers and when they do stupid things he gets stressed. I’m thinking he needs to find a way to manage this stress if he has to face it every day.

There are routes than avoid going through the town centre but they are huge rural diversions. He’s open to taking them occasionally to vary his route.

Show quote history

Anyone who drives regularly finds the behaviour of other drivers stressful to deal with now and then, but if it's happening a lot, he might need to consider the possibility that it isn't all the other drivers who are the problem.

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