Is the commute too much to ask for?

[Mammia28272]

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

But then DC has no hope at all.

The alternative would be a school AND job move so they are in the same place but a completely different part of the country. But things are just impossible now with specialist schools, no spaces anywhere.

People find different things stressful though don't they. Lots of people find driving stressful and would find going from a commute they enjoy to something they will dread really hard, it's fine to say to suck it up but if everything was as easy as that no one would struggle with anything! Leaving early and then late means more time out of the house also which will affect OP and the children, doesn't seem like that's necessarily an ideal solution.

A 45 min commute is hardly painful. Honestly! I’d just ignore him on this one. The more you make of it and flitter around with options, the more he’ll feel like he’s being massively put out. Which he massively is not in the grand scheme of things. Feels like you’ve made a decision and just have to go with it

This is what I think too, that he needs to change his mindset. But obviously I can’t just tell him to do so, he needs to work on it himself.

It seems more support than a change of mindset is required OP, he's told you he is at breaking point and doesn't want to move, the fact he's willing to do the commute despite knowing it'll drive him further to the edge for the sake of his child is decent but I wouldn't underestimate the affect on the family of this move.

Yes exactly. He’s a really good driver and we have fun on road trips. But being around bad driving or having to manage bad road design, plus traffic stresses him out, and having to manage it twice a day five days a week, I feel really bad for him.

Having said that much of the route is really nice and scenic, it just the bits around the town (so beginning and end of the commute) that are awful.

Him leaving home early and leaving work late I might suggest x times a week so he gets some downtime. Yes it’s not ideal for me but if it helps. 🤷‍♀️

Yes you’re right, thank you.

Could he stay in a hotel near work one or two times a week? Would that work for you as well?

It’s sounds like it’s all about me me me (him). He needs to man up!

Are you sure your child has a place at the specialist school(s)?

Not a dig at you by the way, sounds like you're in a really difficult position whereby you know the move will benefit your child even though you and DH will be worse off really and there is no magic wand solution to that.

I wonder if because his stress levels are high, the prospect of a change and it being a worse change, is actually worse than the change itself. A 45-1hr commute isn’t a “bad” commute and if he can use that time for an audio book, or podcast then great, gives him the chance to zone out.
mid the job one where he can actually take a proper lunch break and exercise on his lunch? Join a nearby gym maybe.
I drive 45mins for my commute and the bit I find stressful is trying to get out the house on time for nursery drop off, to then have to leave work earlier than my colleagues to rush back to nursery…otherwise it’s okay. Even small things like if he takes a coffee for the drive with him, or taking away stress around actually getting out for work eg having clothes and bag ready etc

What will your DC receive in the new town Vs the resources you have in the village?

Do you definitely know you have the extra support in the new town?

How is a 45 minute drive stressful? I used to have a school run of that length. Sorry but he sounds totally unreasonable in the face of why you need to move.

He does sound rather dramatic. Most people have a 45 minute commute or more to work, I'm sure. It's also not fair of him to say yes to this move, agree that it's the best for the family and then go around and be angry and complain about it. What are you supposed to do about that? If he felt that strongly that his comfort should trump his childs comfort than he shouldn't have agreed to the move. Don't take on the role of his support animal, he really is just being unnecessarily dramatic and it's clear you are absorbing the guilt of that when you shouldn't.

H needs to woman up.

It’s not going to work. He’s stressing about the journey, and he hasn’t even started doing it yet. It may get easier over time, but there’s obviously parts of it he’s nervous about. Not everyone (me included) are comfortable driving.

Thanks, suggestions like the small things that help are good. There are lots of little ways I can help and be supportive that won’t take any time.

I definitely don’t want to be anyone’s support animal! But I feel like right now I have capacity to do a bit more while DH is feeling overstretched. So I’m trying to think through how to make this work so we have a plan for when it all starts.

Could he car share with another driver? Is there no public transport to walk and bus it?

DC will be closer to a specialist school near new town where he has a place. Larger home. Downsides, more crime (though it is one of the safer parts of town.) Local FB group mentioned scooters being nicked off smaller kids, bullying, so need to keep a very close eye on him.

Village has familiarity of people and place, people/other kids are kind and look out for DC, plus much, much safer - you can leave scooters around and be confident they will still be there later, can also give DC a small measure of independence here. Downside, school have done everything they can but it can’t meet his needs. DC will never make deep friendships here, needs to be around kids who are like him.

There is public transport but door to door would be three buses, or bus-train-bus. And the buses are unreliable. We have discussed mixing it up with public transport/bike but it’s not something for every day.

Walking part of it would take too long - add another 45 mins to the journey? He could run but it’s probably less desirable going home when he’s been on his feet all day.

Car sharing is a possibility but I think the worst part of the journey is within the town itself, so unless they live very nearby he may as well drive that bit himself.

I will ask him to explore that option though.