Is the commute too much to ask for?

[Mammia28272]

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

A change of school and a change of home is a lot of change at one time for your DC. You know the situation best but might it not be better for DC to settle into new school first and new home later? Then at least you’d have the comfort of knowing the school is best for DC and the move is worth it.
Can DH speak to work about the situation? Could you afford for him to take some unpaid leave while DC settles into school? Do you both drive? If so you could both take some AL and share driving DC to school and back until they are settled. Could DH drop to 4 days a week or do compressed hours? So four longer days for the same pay and one extra day at home? Do you work? Could you do more work and let DH do less? Could DC be home schooled for a bit by good tutors? Term will soon be over - will school holidays be better in the new home or the old?
Would electric bike, train, electric bike work for the commute? Are there any grants, benefits, payments etc that you can claim for DC which would allow for things to be easier - such as fewer hours for DH to help more with DC or some outside care for DC to give both you and DH time for a hobby, to unwind?
whatever happens DH needs support to deal with the circumstances you find yourself in. I’d do everything I could to support him and make any changes I could to accommodate him but I’d make this conditional on him accepting outside help for himself. He can’t get this stressed and also refuse outside help. There must be support groups for dad’s in his position. The first thing I’d do is get him to see the GP. His stress and anxiety around the commute may be a cipher for deeper problems and his anxiety may be managed with medication and or talking therapy. Good luck OP. You sound like great parents doing everything you can for your DC but remember you cannot sacrifice everything for one child. A happy home and engaged, relaxed parents may be worth as much / more than a special school place in the long term. School can be a zoo, for any child, SEN or not. Sometimes there are other solutions.
it might help to imagine your DC’s life in 10years time. What does it look like? What does it take to get there? How important is school in the equation? What does your and DH’s lives look like in ten years time? What about any other DC?

Is there any chance of moving somewhere around 30 minutes away from the school and using their transport service? Would that be better for your husband?

Are you really sure about your reasons to move?

Could you all afford to take a short holiday in a hotel or bed and breakfast in the new location so that you could find out if it is really where you want to live?

Would you still want to move if your DC was not SEN?

Is there any reason, other than you have grown out of the house, for the move?

Have you considered how it will be in the winter? Is the new place near a busy road? Respiratory tract infections are sometimes more frequent with SEN children, and if there is more noise and the children are not used to it, you might suffer from that too. A busy road means dust blowing into the home, and more work for you. Have you really considered the effect on you, yourself? Children are usually resilient because they are young and adaptable, whatever their drawbacks, but it could take you a very long time to acclimatise to a new environment.

If you think for a second that you might not be entirely happy, then don't. That second, if you are not sure, can grow to be permanent.

Have you really worked out the pros and cons of the situation? I have yet to find any mother who found it easy to move with a baby.