Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

No, I wouldn't let my own personal budget dictate what my friends wanted to do, especially since they had already socalised with me and compromised their own desires already.

Just invite her too? But don’t do any of this on the group chat.

So once you have an arrangement with the other friends, message Sally and say what you are doing. Ask if she would like to come along. When she says No can we go somewhere cheaper, say I think we’re all keen to try the menu at X - totally understand if you prefer to sit this one out.

No I wouldn’t be upset, might have been nice to let Sally know though - in case she did want to come.

No. I suppose you could still ask her and it’s up to her to refuse. On the other hand she didn’t want to go and couldn’t afford it and you already knew that.

I’d be upset I’m afraid if I was Sally.
however, if I was also Sally, I’d have suggested a picnic and bottles of wine in a local park

Sally sounds like she .likes to control everything .
You've already done what she suggested
So ok to do what someone else wants

I don’t think I’d have done it behind her back, I’d have invited her too and if she said no then say we’ll go there this time and then go somewhere else next time.

So you left her out? I'd be upset, that's really shitty

I think you should've said, girl this is where we're going, we want you to come, and offered to contribute

Maybe you've contributed for her a lot and have chosen not to, I don't know but you are in the wrong here imo

You've done her thing, so now it's fine to say 'I'm booking a table at (more pricey place), on this date, who's coming?' - she can always say no.

Sally doesn't get to dictate what everyone does , everyone has already done what she wanted .
Shs no right to be upset ,
If she can't afford this time she doesn't go

She couldn’t afford it so what’s the issue?

So you left her out? I'd be upset, that's really shitty. I think you should've said, girl this is where we're going, we want you to come, and offered to contribute

WHAT? 😂

People just blow my mind, honest to God.

I think that's fine. But I would let her know privately that you're going and she is welcome to come too, but not in the group chat.

I've turned down expensive trips out before because I was on a budget and would be completely fine with friends going to the expensive option without me in those circumstances. I also wouldn't have suggested everyone go to a not great pub. I would rather stay at home than go somewhere where the food wasn't nice and the crowd not great either.

To not tell her about it is shitty. You could’ve just put it in the group with an open invite for all.

And if I was Sally's friend,I'd of said ,we've already been somewhere cheaper to suit your budget,we'd like to choose we would to eat now.
Sally doesn't get to decide where people go every time they meet

No.

Well, she cannot afford it and that’s not your fault.

I think it would have been okay for you to organise the next trip to that place, and if Sally says she can't afford it again say that's a shame, we can go somewhere else next time. Not everyone can make everything, it's ridiculous to never go anywhere nicer than the Toby carvery just because Sally can't afford it.

How much did she spend at the rough pub anyway? Do you usually all just pay for what you've had or split the bill? If the second maybe suggest the first - surely one main course and water at a nice place will be roughly the same as a 2/3 course meal and a few drinks at the cheap place.

I wouldnt be bothered if you went there without me as long as i had been invited but would feel upset if it had been arranged behind my back without me knowing.

Doing it behind her back is a shitty thing to do. I’d be deeply hurt if my friends did something that awful (but they wouldn’t!).

Saying ‘I’d still really love to go to X, who’s coming?’ is fine, and if she said that she couldn’t afford it you say “well we did the cheap thing last time, we’ll do something more affordable another time, but we are going to X on this occasion”.

I don’t think Sally is trying to control anything. It’s difficult when you have a tight budget and can’t afford options that others are suggesting.

If the rest of the group make a different arrangement at somewhere more expensive and leave her out, I can see why she’d be upset. It’s saying that she is less valued because she has less money.

I’ve been in situations where I’ve had to get the cheapest thing on the menu, even if it wouldn’t be a choice I wanted, because I couldn’t afford other options. That can be embarrassing too, if it’s decided to split the bill. There have been too many times I’ve paid a share of the drinks bill, whilst not drinking.

sally will get over it im sure if you just include her as normal next time.
If/when it comes up, say that you had really wanted to try it, but thought she didnt want to go to that place. The just apologise for the crossed wires.

Least said, soonest mended

How did they leave her out?

They took on board her suggestion for a cheaper venue and went there.

Now they want to go somewhere which she has already said is beyond her budget. Can they never do anything that Sally can't afford?

We didn’t ask her because she had already repeatedly said she could not afford this particular restaurant when we arranged to go out the first time round. I thought it would be a bit shitty to raise it again on the chat and ask who wants to come when she had already said she couldn’t.

Rightly or wrongly, yes I would also be really hurt by this, because the way you’ve arranged it, you’ve basically removed her from the friendship group.
Three of the group of four socialised together without the fourth. Next time the four of you meet all together she is the odd one out, she’s on the edge. There’ll be conversations that have moved on without her, shared memory that she’s not in.
If it had been organised differently it might have been ok, say for example, if you had said you were planning a night out to ABC location for your birthday, who would like to come, and two wanted to come and the fourth declined because of the cost - that would have passed because it was your choice for an occasion.
But a general social activity for a group of four friends that knowingly excludes one is mean. Three of you could have offered to treat her if she’s struggling?

Ouch. I’d be hurt too. Next time, how about meeting at one of your houses and all bringing some tapas or meze dishes? Or going out for lunch?