Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

So you left her out? I'd be upset, that's really shitty
I think you should've said, girl this is where we're going, we want you to come, and offered to contribute
Maybe you've contributed for her a lot and have chosen not to, I don't know but you are in the wrong here imo

Absolutely not

...and they did go to the cheaper venue which Sally suggested.

Does that mean that they can never do anything, ever, that is outside Sally's budget?

Logically she shouldn’t be upset - you have all worked to accommodate her budget so she shouldn’t be miffed if you now try the place she can’t afford .
However humans and friendships aren’t logical - so she feels hurt , left out and excluded and probably feels you don’t care about her not being able to come .
Not necessarily true or logical but that’s how we work !!

you know u shouldve asked her.

What?? Why on earth is OP in the wrong for not wanting to cover the cost of a friends night out?!

Oh stop it.

I'd put a poll in the group chat asking them to choose where to go, include all the places including the cheap pub no one wants to go to! She can see for herself that the group have voted. Then leave it open for her to come. If she declines due to money then that's fine.

You can be nice to your friends you know, it is allowed - what's the harm in paying for a good mate to dine with you 😄😄

She doesn't have to pay for her mate, of course, maybe there's a reason why she hasn't, but she should've definitely not left her out

A simple conversation saying that the friend is invited, but they're going to the expensive place would've stopped any upset

Edit @Sofiewoo @vintagecrow

Are they going to pay for her every time they go somewhere she feels is too expensive for the rest of their lives?

They didn’t leave her out. They went to her choice of venue because that was the only place Sally said she could afford. It wasn’t very good, but they still had a nice night.

Then entirely separately from that, someone asked if the others also wanted to go to one of the restaurants Sally didn’t want to go to. Not instead of the pub with Sally, but as well as.

Are the others only allowed to see each other if it’s a) with Sally and/or b) at Sally-approved venues?! That’s mad.

They had a group of 4 mates, and they left her out by not telling her about the event and letting her know that she'd be invited should she have the money

Friend already said several times she couldn’t go. It would be more rude to continue asking. OP can go and experience the restaurant without having to pay for her friend.

It would have been different if they hadn’t already gone where the friend suggested, but they did.

So if somebody creates a WhatsApp group with several people in it, I can only then talk to any of those people through that group?

That's a bit complicated. What am I going to do about people I am in several different groups with?

I mean I have noticed people who seem unable to send a direct message, instead putting "@personx" into a group personx happens to be in and saying something that nobody but the two of them could possibly care about, and have wondered why. Maybe it's because of this rule.

I would apologise and say you didn’t ask her not because you didn’t want her there, but because she’d already said she didn’t want to go. Next time you’ll ask her and then it’s up to her if she wants to come.

I think mixing up the venues/ expense is good so she’s still included, but I wouldn’t only be going to shitty pubs because that’s all she can afford.

It depends on the personalities involved but I've had issues where a friend couldn't attend a social plan (whether for work commitments, finances, childcare etc) and made it very clear they're unhappy if the plan went ahead without them. It's not great to have side bar chats for plans, but it's also quite frustrating to know you'll get whining if you invite someone who can't make it. Particularly when it's just a low key dinner or catch up, the organising starts to feel like unpaid work.

I don't have a solution for groups of four I'm afraid! I was in a bigger friendship group so I'd usually make a plan with one friend (out of say a dozen) and invite everyone along, but with being clear that "we're doing X at Y time".

Agree that the right thing to do was just put in the group and if she says no that’s her choice but at least everyone is transparent and she knows. It’s worse planning things secretly and in a shady manner and that would what would upset me. They can always phrase it on the group like it’s somewhere you really want to go to and she might be upset but at least there’s no secrecy and she’s get over it.

No, but this time they could've offered

You're not obligated to anything for anyone but sometimes, if a friend is having a hard time financially, it's nice to include said friend 🤷

Either way, not paying for her isn't the issue at all, the issue is not including her in the plans and saying she'd be welcome to come, could she afford it

Have I missed that the op and her other two friends have already gone to the other expensive restaurant without sally? I read it that they were thinking about it.

I'd agree here, it seems to me to be self evidently rude to go to someone who has said repeatedly they can't afford to go to the Ivy and say "Do you want to go to the Ivy?"

I’d have arranged with the three to buy Sally’s dinner at the nice restaurant as a treat.

Seems I’m in the minority 🤣

No, i think it's rude not to tell her that the plans were going ahead, but that she'd be welcome to attend should she have the money

They're a group of friends, to not tell one that they're all meeting up is horrible

I'd probably be hurt and upset because, reasonable or not, she's only human and no-one likes feeling left out or too poor to afford to do things their friend are doing.

Would I make a fuss about it? Nah. That would be unreasonable. She doesn't own the other members of the friendship group and she doesn't get to veto what restaurants other people get to try just because she can't afford it.

That seems perfectly reasonable to me. You’d gone with her preference and made the best of it. Nothing at all wrong with subsequently going to one of the choices she’s repeatedly declined on cost grounds. And no reason to ask her to go, assuming her financial position hasn’t changed. Arguably it would have been insensitive to ask again on your shared group

You would be upset because, after some friends went on a night out with you to your choice of venue, they also went on a separate occasion to another venue you had refused to go to with them?

Are your friends not allowed to visit places they like, then? If you said you didn’t want to go to, eg, a zoo, and insisted on going to the cinema instead, would you be upset if they went to the zoo alone as well as going to the cinema with you!?

At what point do they stop offering to pay? You're assuming this is a one off. The friend just has to get used to the fact that these others will be doing things she can't afford. Might as well be now as next time.