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Original poster

Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

652 replies

Eastie77Returns · 17/05/2025 16:33

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

OP posts:
rb124 · 19/05/2025 14:08

Don't see a problem - you've accomodated her needs/wishes by going to the place she wanted. If anything, I'd say you are considering her feelings by not taking her to somewhere she wouldn't:t feel happy in.

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 19/05/2025 14:17

RadishFarmer · 19/05/2025 12:23

There certainly is a lot of Sallys on Mumsnet isn't there?!

I think we can take from this it's not an uncommon experience!

tamade · 19/05/2025 14:44

RadishFarmer · 19/05/2025 12:23

There certainly is a lot of Sallys on Mumsnet isn't there?!

Are

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 15:46

Yeoldlondoncheese · 19/05/2025 12:22

Maybe she’s pregnant, and hasn’t told anyone yet. And can’t have sushi.

WTF so odd! 😂most sushi places don’t only serve raw fish 🙄

Maybe Sally is secretly in love with Eastie77 and is heartbroken she didn’t fall to her knees begging her to join the dinner. See I can come up with random shit as well.

I’m done engaging with you. You are too dramatic and sensitive.

I was obviously kidding by jokingly throwing another maybe into the mix. You can’t take a joke, and I’m the one who’s too sensitive. I really don’t mind if you stop engaging with me. And I’m the dramatic one, ok. 😆 Enjoy the rest of your day.

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 15:52

Be careful posting compassionate rational comments like this on here. You’ll get a whole load of negativity coming your way from posters who care more about being right than showing empathetic understanding to their friend who is hurt.

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 16:09

Gabby8 · 19/05/2025 13:02

Just to be sure - she is definitely upset about the situation and there’s not something else going on and it’s been assumed it’s feeling as though she’s being excluded?

Could be she’s a bit miffed but actually there’s something else going on. As I said earlier I think I would be disappointed if I was Sally but certainly wouldn’t think twice about the others still going. You can have fomo but still accept others wishes I think.

There was a situation I was involved in (not directly), where a friend group has assumed Someone was being difficult over splitting a bill- turns out they had a lot going on and a comment in the meal had triggered them. Poor girl then got grief until it all came spilling out.

She has said it’s the restaurant situation but I think something else is going on. I can only assume - perhaps the house renovations have taken their toll.

OP posts:
SlowestHorse · 19/05/2025 16:16

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 16:09

She has said it’s the restaurant situation but I think something else is going on. I can only assume - perhaps the house renovations have taken their toll.

Show quote history

Just. Ask. Her!

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 16:31

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 16:09

She has said it’s the restaurant situation but I think something else is going on. I can only assume - perhaps the house renovations have taken their toll.

Show quote history

I have done a house move / house renovation with young kids. It is really hard work. Super stressful. Expensive.

Ihopeyouhavent · 19/05/2025 16:34

ruethewhirl · 18/05/2025 18:05

A picnic with wine in the park. There's no need to make it sound as if they'd all be rolling around like winos.

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How did I "make it sound" like winos? Did i say rolling around?

I'm sorry that i omitted a sausage roll and sandwich!

ruethewhirl · 19/05/2025 17:28

Ihopeyouhavent · 19/05/2025 16:34

How did I "make it sound" like winos? Did i say rolling around?

I'm sorry that i omitted a sausage roll and sandwich!

Show quote history

You sounded quite pearl-clutchy about the very idea of wine in the park, which gave the impression (to me anyway) that you thought it not quite 'proper' somehow. Just my interpretation, which may of course be wrong.

Ihopeyouhavent · 19/05/2025 17:35

ruethewhirl · 19/05/2025 17:28

You sounded quite pearl-clutchy about the very idea of wine in the park, which gave the impression (to me anyway) that you thought it not quite 'proper' somehow. Just my interpretation, which may of course be wrong.

Show quote history

Pearl clutchy! Love that actually, i do have pearls, but dont "clutch" them in that way!!

Sorry if i came across as rude, i just meant if 1 of the group cant afford a good night out, they dont go and then next time do something else. Wine, bubbles, snacks and food and food galore in the garden at home for sure!!

ruethewhirl · 19/05/2025 17:43

Ihopeyouhavent · 19/05/2025 17:35

Pearl clutchy! Love that actually, i do have pearls, but dont "clutch" them in that way!!

Sorry if i came across as rude, i just meant if 1 of the group cant afford a good night out, they dont go and then next time do something else. Wine, bubbles, snacks and food and food galore in the garden at home for sure!!

Show quote history

Fair dos, I stand corrected. Food and wine in the garden it is! 😄

Soontobesingles · 19/05/2025 18:03

SummerPeach · 18/05/2025 22:54

Hmmm but true friends actually care about their friends, and they make it about the person who is struggling the most. Because they don’t want her to feel left out / hurt / patronised.

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If you spend your life thinking ‘I should have been centred’ in every scenario you will not be happy. Why should her friends eat together only at places within her budget, if they can afford and want to go somewhere fancier. I understand why this hurts. But I also think it’s controlling to try and limit your friends to only seeing one another when you are there, in places you can afford. I have some very wealthy friends. I am not very wealthy. It would not even cross my mind to get upset when they go on expensive trips and I am not invited because it’s pretty obvious I am not included because I can’t afford it, and they and I both know that. It is what it is. They have the right to enjoy their wealth and I can enjoy their company on occasions when we arrange to be together.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 19/05/2025 18:44

Mmmmmm! That's a tricky one. She might not like that. In my younger days if I could' t 'Stand my round' I didn't go and any offer to pay would have been kindly but firmly declined.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 19/05/2025 18:50

Maybe just explain that since she had said earlier this restaurant was out of her price range, you didn't want to feel you were 'forcing her hand! but of course you would be delighted if she's able to come.
I feel at the end of the day ,you accommodated her by goi g to her local pub. She can't expect all your choices to be dictated by her finances.

Rpop · 19/05/2025 19:09

I think this is fine. I would not be upset if I was sally as everyone has already done what I wanted. It would be clear to me that they were keen to go to the other place and did it discretely to avoid making me feel awkward. But then I don’t get easily offended as I assume other people are not out to hurt me. There is no way I would offer to contribute to sallys meal. Where does this kind of thing ever end?

Miaminmoo · 20/05/2025 00:41

I can see all sides of this but I’ve had periods of time when I’ve been short of funds and I have simply told my friends to go ahead without me and I’ll make the next one. She’s feeling left out understandably as it was done on the sly but she also can’t stop you all doing something just because she can’t afford it.

daleylama · 20/05/2025 06:24

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 09:55

Because Sally didn't want to travel to London where the rest of us live and we couldn't go to her house because it's undergoing renovations. So we met at a pub close to where she lives.

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It's sounding increasingly as if Sally needs to pull the big girls pants on. But you're at an impasse as she's blanking you. So your q. shouldn't be'would others be upset' but, how do I handle this? Sounds like you either lay out your position in a note to her, or just let her stew and possibly lose the friend.

MsDitsy · 20/05/2025 06:57

You do seem to be trying to turn the tide by adding extra bits such as she wouldn't go to this certain restaurant if she won the lottery when your original post said it was costs. Many comments are not going your way. Yes, you should be able to go out without Sally, no you shouldn't offer to pay for her, but if get togethers are normally arranged in group chat, then that's what should have happened even knowing she couldn't go. Yes she might have still been upset, but i can understand her feeiing that you have got together and planned to deliberately exclude her. If you have just posted to get justification for going behind her back when it seems you normally do it all in a group chat, then I think part of you feels bad that she is hurt.

MsDitsy · 20/05/2025 07:03

faerietales · 18/05/2025 11:20

Yes, I know, but I still think you're totally missing the point.

She said she can't afford it, but she also went OTT in saying how awful it seemed - probably to convince herself she didn't want to go anyway, but also to try and persuade you not to go so she wouldn't feel so left out.

People say lots of things to try and persuade themselves they feel a certain way.

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You may be right there but I'm suspicious of Sally actually saying it looked ridiculous etc as the OP is adding in bits when people are disagreeing or responses not going her way.

5MT2 · 20/05/2025 08:12

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 09:23

I’m happy to sort it out but she cannot explain why it is one rule for her and another for the rest of us? E.g. when she suggested the cocktail bar the non drinking friend said no. Sally then separately said the three of us should go (not on the group chat). I can’t see how that differs from this situation?

Our non drinking friend fasts every year. She has never once said we shouldn’t go to restaurants between sunrise and sundown while it’s Ramadan just because she can’t. She came to the rough pub Sally chose although it was an uncomfortable environment for her (I mean all of us really but she was visibly a target in this rough crowd).

We did not treat Sally any differently to the way we have always treated each other. But suddenly she is hurt at behaviour that has never been an issue before.

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Having read this, does Sally like to be the ‘leader’ of the group? If it’s normal for you to all do stuff with each other independently of the group, could she be upset because she’s not the one calling the shots?

mylovedoesitgood · 20/05/2025 08:29

MsDitsy · 20/05/2025 07:03

You may be right there but I'm suspicious of Sally actually saying it looked ridiculous etc as the OP is adding in bits when people are disagreeing or responses not going her way.

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Yep, I also smell bullshit.

cardboardvillage · 20/05/2025 13:14

i understand why she’s upset but really you have done nothing wrong

but maybe you shouldn’t have put it on insta. It’s a little insensitive

Deathraystare · 20/05/2025 15:05

Lyraloo · 19/05/2025 13:49

You’re being totally unreasonable, why should a group of friends not be able to go out and enjoy a meal because one doesn’t want to or can’t afford it! It’s ridiculous to think one person should totally dominate what the rest do.

Show quote history

Yes I have been there. Had to refuse to go out and even though there were offers of pay, I did not go. I was not offended when they went to the place without me. But that is me. I just asked what they had and did they enjoy it but clearly this friend is different so I just suggested it might be 'fairer' to go to people's houses.

Clareypoos · 20/05/2025 20:03

I would have invited her anyway to let her feel included and given her the option. You could have said, Sally we are going to …… I know you said it was a bit pricey, but you’re welcome to come along if you change your mind.