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Original poster

Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

652 replies

Eastie77Returns · 17/05/2025 16:33

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 17/05/2025 16:50

TheShiningHostess · 17/05/2025 16:47

How did they leave her out?

They took on board her suggestion for a cheaper venue and went there.

Now they want to go somewhere which she has already said is beyond her budget. Can they never do anything that Sally can't afford?

Show quote history

But they should tell her, not leave her out and meet up without her, that's nasty

They should explain that they want to do more costly stuff, but she's wanted and invited

It depends on their closeness as to chipping in for her though I suppose

Whoarethoseguys · 17/05/2025 16:51

Bluevelvetsofa · 17/05/2025 16:45

I don’t think Sally is trying to control anything. It’s difficult when you have a tight budget and can’t afford options that others are suggesting.

If the rest of the group make a different arrangement at somewhere more expensive and leave her out, I can see why she’d be upset. It’s saying that she is less valued because she has less money.

I’ve been in situations where I’ve had to get the cheapest thing on the menu, even if it wouldn’t be a choice I wanted, because I couldn’t afford other options. That can be embarrassing too, if it’s decided to split the bill. There have been too many times I’ve paid a share of the drinks bill, whilst not drinking.

But if the other three wanted to go to that restaurant and they had already been somewhere she wanted to go to I don't see the issue.
They can also do thing Sally wants to do but she can't say they shouldn't also go to other places without her if she can't afford it.

DrDameKatyDeniseInExile · 17/05/2025 16:54

Urggh, the perennial toing and froing is so annoying. This is why a group of us (8 in total) came up with a rule. Someone suggests a date and venue and if the majority can make it we go. If someone can’t (for any reason - including finances) they don’t go and maybe come the next time. It’s the best way to avoid anyone getting upset and at one time or another each of us has been unable to make it so it all works well.

tofuprincess · 17/05/2025 16:54

Can you plan to go to the expensive one in a couple of months' time to give Sally time to save up? Or maybe the three of you buy the drinks so she only has to buy her meal?
I suppose it depends on how close the friendship is.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 17/05/2025 16:54

Yes, I would be horribly hurt.

I’ve been sally in this scenario. My friends went somewhere I could afford.
I have no objections to them going to places I cannot afford. I have repeatedly said that and they have been to places without me.

I would be wounded if they did it behind my back though, like the rich club and the poor club.

ZebraPrintt · 17/05/2025 16:55

I think id be upset, BUT you shouldn't not go because of her and id ultimately understand that. don't ask her, but tell her this is where we're going and invite her, if she doesn't come then that's on her

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 17/05/2025 16:56

BellissimoGecko · 17/05/2025 16:50

Ouch. I’d be hurt too. Next time, how about meeting at one of your houses and all bringing some tapas or meze dishes? Or going out for lunch?

Just to be clear we did all meet up, at a pub of her choosing. We asked her to pick the venue when affordability because an issue and we would have met at her/our house if needed.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 17/05/2025 16:58

I think it was inevitable that she'd feel hurt after being left out. I don't think that every outing has to be endlessly negotiated though. It's fine for one person to say restaurant A on this date and the others to just respond yes or no.

ScrewedByFunding · 17/05/2025 16:58

alcoholnightmare · 17/05/2025 16:37

I’d be upset I’m afraid if I was Sally.
however, if I was also Sally, I’d have suggested a picnic and bottles of wine in a local park

Are you 16? Your username tells the story!

Lizzbear · 17/05/2025 16:59

Yes. I would be upset. But only if you normally meet as a group of 4. It would highlight to me that you didn’t really value my company. But I’m over sensitive 🤫

MonoMono · 17/05/2025 17:03

Sally doesn't get to dictate.

Whilst I would always be mindful of someone's budget, equally I wouldn't let it command where we went.

Yes include her options from time to time, but not every time.

Minnie798 · 17/05/2025 17:03

In future, just put in the group chat who fancies going to ( insert name) restaurant next friday? Then don't get into negotiations about changing venue.

PrettyFlyforaMaiTai · 17/05/2025 17:04

You shouldn’t have done it behind her back. You should have told her that you, Eleanor and Pauline are going to The Ivy, can you make it? If she said no, then “oh that’s a shame, hopefully you can make the next meet up”.

I would be upset if my friends did this behind my back. I wouldn’t be upset if I was invited but had to decline due to lack of funds.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/05/2025 17:05

You've done nothing wrong, op. Sally needs to grow up and realise people shouldn't have to pay for her or deny themselves an experience because of her budget.
Perhaps you could agree to take her for her birthday but otherwise it sounds like you all take her situation into consideration the majority of the time.

TinyTempest · 17/05/2025 17:06

I would've planned it further in advance to give her plenty of time to save up.

RentalWoesNotFun · 17/05/2025 17:07

I hate side bar chats. People always get hurt.

it would have been better to have the chat in full sight.

I think you should apologise and explain it was only as she didn’t want to go to xyz restaurant and confirm there will be no more side bar chats.

I’d offer to chip in a fiver each towards her bill at xyz restaurant- and you each pay for what you had (not split the bill as she may have one course with water and others have three with multiple wines).

If she doesn’t want to come fine proceed without her.

BangersAndGnash · 17/05/2025 17:08

As friends you wanted to meet up … which you did in a way that everyone could afford.

It is also OK for people who like expensive meals and can afford it to go and enjoy a night out for the sake of the food.

Next time you have a group get together just go for drinks? Or take a bottle and snacks to her house?

And then as a group maybe put up a message ‘anyone up for trying PriceyFood Restaurant’ and anyone who wants to and can afford to go can.

Rather than doing it in secret.

rookiemere · 17/05/2025 17:09

I can see why Sally would be upset, but I wouldn’t want to always have to cater to the lowest budget if it means an unsatisfactory get together. Someone - possibly the organiser - needs to privately message and apologise say you did not mean to hurt her, but wanted to try this restaurant and knew it was outside her budget. Say in future you will post all get togethers on the group and try and make sure there are often cheaper things to do.

TENSsion · 17/05/2025 17:12

“I fancy going to X on DATE. Does anyone fancy coming along?”

rosemarble · 17/05/2025 17:13

It depends on many things - is going out to eat what you do as your group of 4?
Is the difference is disposable income a recent issue? Is it a transient issue?

If her situation isn't going to change and you all value your group of 4 then you need to find something that doesn't exclude anyone.

If it's a really close group and it wouldn't offend then the other 3 could help pay for the 4th. I think this would only work if it's a transient issue.

Essentially you prioritised going to a specific restaurant over your friendship.

Splain · 17/05/2025 17:13

Yes, I think that would sting.

In my group the moment someone said can't afford it due to babysitters etc we'd have offered to have takeaway and wine at theirs instead.

knittasgonna · 17/05/2025 17:13

I agree that the secrecy is what hurts. Of course she'd feel left out when she inevitably learned about this. However, she can't expect to dictate where everyone else meets, either, even if that means she can't always come along. I'd try alternate between places everyone can afford and nicer options, but there must be something between an expensive restaurant and a rough pub where the food isn't even good.

ACR7 · 17/05/2025 17:13

I wouldn’t be bothered at all that you went if i had declined for whatever reason. It would bother me that it was kept secret though as it would feel unnecessary.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 17/05/2025 17:15

How did she find out?

Toddlerteaplease · 17/05/2025 17:17

Yes. I’d be really upset by that.

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