Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

Give over. Wine in the park?!

Thats not fair. Just because 1 out of 4 cant afford somewhere nice, the 3 have have to suffer a cheap pub with a rough crowd?

This could all have been avoided with decent communication. "hey Sally, we still really want to go to X restaurant but appreciate you cant afford the logistics, so we are going to go- if you change your mind do let us know. How about we meet up as our usual four on Y date - you pick the place".

Communication is key here. Sally has no right to dictate where her friends are allowed to go or not go and by being honest about it, the 3 friends arent being sneaky or underhand about it, nor are they lying to Sally. All of this can be communicated in a non-dramatic, matter of fact manner. This never had to become some dramatic fall out.

To be fair it sounds good to me. If I had friends who were going somewhere I thought was too expensive I might go and drink a bottle or two of wine in the park on my own. Buckfast, ideally.

So you went out to her choice and then arranged a second meet up. I think your mistake was not to invite her. In her situation I would be insulted.

You can’t eat at shit places every time because of one persons budget. But I would have told her.

Absolutely not- what’s she upset about ? She said she couldn’t go, you went where she could go but you still want to go… she can’t control everything that you do 🤷🏼‍♀️
She’s being pathetic

Yeah, I would be hurt if I was her.

What do you think of the suggestion that it's actually just as bad to keep inviting someone to somewhere you know they can't afford? I presume you think it's worse not to tell them, but do you accept both carry a downside?

You did something you didn’t want to accommodate Sally. I think it’s fine to do something you all want to, it’s not your fault she can't afford it. In an ideal world you would have said that you were going in addition. Did she find out because of social media where people feel the need to share what they are doing all the time? Because if it’s that then I can see why she was hurt.

I have met up with 4 friends over the last 2 weeks for food, various combinations of price and who pays. But all of us at different times have cooked for each other and popped in for a cuppa to each others houses.

Its very true friendships evolve, when I look at how my friends from school and University have done financially it’s incredibly variable. The majority are comfortable but divorcing has really scuppered some plus other variations obviously such as men not contributing properly, regions they live in and the amount of children they have had.

They can do that.

But they also want to try a particular restaurant, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to do that.

I think this is mean.

Can you not go to Pizza Express with a voucher or something?

I have three close friends, we regularly meet up for a meal, none of us would dream of doing this. We’d always do what everyone is comfortable with, and we wouldn’t dream of leaving anyone out.

This is difficult, OP. I don’t think it is logical for Sally to feel hard done by, but feelings are not logical. Ideally you would have told her that three of you want to try this other place. You understand she might not be able to come but wanted to ask her.

Then she really couldn’t complain, I think.

I agree it would be lovely to treat her once in a while if that is comfortable for everyone, but it could easily become awkward.

Can absolutely see it’s a tricky situation. But the lesser of 2 evils is to let her know you’re meeting up again, acknowledge her budget restrictions but include her and let her choose.

Fair enough - I might go the other way but it's very much a judgement call. Given that, I'd like to think that if I was on the other end of it, I could see the tricky situation they'd be in and not take offence.

Or maybe going to the place that she suggested and was comfortable with.

Oh wait. They did do that didn't they?

Invite and include her. If she can't afford it, then she can say no.

I'm one of those people who is part of a group chat/friendship who eat out. If I can't afford the £80 tasting menu, then I just say. No big deal. I'll then organise another get together with a two meals for £14 deal at my local. Again, if people don't fancy that, no offence is taken.

Not including someone is hurtful though.

This was the way to go. I think it’s fair enough she’s upset about the way it was done (behind her back) although she obviously can’t object to you going together without her.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

I'm not surprised she's hurt. That's very "mean girl" behaviour. I would be reconsidering my friendship with you all.

What about next time saying you'd sub Sally? Don't make her a charity case, but just say because se has the extra costs of babysitting etc, you'll pay for half her dinner or something like that.

Not if you're in Scotland, the polis would shut that down pdq 😂

That might work towards not making her feel like a charity case, if Sally is an absolute idiot. Unfortunately, I think otherwise she might see through it.

(Of course the others might also have babysitting costs etc but just be able to afford them)

This scenario wouldn't have come up in the first place, because in Sally's shoes I'd have happily suggested you all go there without me sometime so I wasn't ruining your fun.

I might have felt put out if I thought you'd sneaked off behind my back, I suppose. But that would be if I thought you'd deliberately chosen to go out without me and then decided to go to that restaurant, rather than deciding you'd like to go to the restaurant and taking the people who could afford it - if you see the distinction? "Let's go out together without Sally - how about that fancy place?" vs "I still really fancy trying that nice restaurant - maybe we shouldn't invite Sally to this one, she already said she can't afford it."

You should of course try to compromise a bit for her (and you did!), but she can't expect you to only go to dodgy pubs forevermore because she's low on funds. Obviously, don't constantly exclude her, but she shouldn't begrudge you a meal she can't afford.

Well if that's your view, you would do as the OP did. I'm just saying that I and my friendship group wouldn't, as the priority would be for everyone to be there, not the place we went to. I'm getting on a bit and have been to a lot of nice restaurants and will bo doubt go to plenty more. Having all my friends with me would matter more.

If I were Sally I would probably feel hurt but I also don't think you have done anything wrong. If someone has repeatedly said they can't afford to do something, I wouldn't ask them again as I would feel rude and like I was rubbing their nose in it.

Maybe just say sorry I knew you couldn't afford it and didn't want to keep asking and leave it at that!