Just heard someone saying vile things about me when they thought they had put the phone down

[seventiesborn]

I don’t know why but I’m shaking now. I called a relative earlier to give them some family news. I don’t really want to give too many details away but the conversation was civil and they thanked me for updating them. I then realised they hadn’t put the phone down and he started to imitate me to his partner and what I just said. His partner then started spouting off lots unpleasant things about me in the background and how she thinks I’m stuck up. I just hung up but I have to see them soon and wonder how I can react. I hate confrontation and I’m quite a quiet person.

This happened to me twice, once with my mum and once with my dad. I never forgave them and am now no contact. It was shocking and unpleasant to find out what they really thought of me.

This is horrible OP.
What was your relationship with them like before? Did they have form for being unpleasant? Either way the priority now is you. Be kind to yourself, don’t stoop by bad mouthing them and don’t have anything to do with them.

Well if you don’t want to confront them, you just have to continue knowing what they really think. I would confront them and go nc, but I’m not you.

I would be inclined to text; "In future you might want to make sure you have hung up properly before you start discussing the person you just spoke to." I wouldn't let them away without letting them know I had I had heard them.

This is perfect. And then don’t see them. You don’t have to be confrontational, but you don’t have to just put up with it either.

Also sending you a big hug, because this is a horrible thing to happen, and I would be shaking too

OP - poor you. I agree with @Wishimaywishimight

I think that's what I'd do in the same situation.

B$$tards!

That's really horrible. Do you have to see them or can you avoid them?

This is exactly what I would do. Sorry OP, that’s just horrible.

This is a perfect text to send op if you feel able to. Not nasty, but just making them aware of it. It should be them feeling anxiety not you.

Sometimes things happen so you see the truth.

You thought these people were kind and decent and your friends, you’ve found out they’re not.

Take your time to work out what you want to do with that information.

I agree with the poster above. Send the text. They will hopefully be mortifyingly embarrassed with themselves and so they should be.

This

I would absolutely do this. Let them squirm.

This is perfect.

I’m sorry this happened - so hurtful.

This is the only thing to do. Then the balls in their court.

If it was me I would phone them back and call them out on it.
I would then be civil but not friendly going forward.

Wow you hung up ? I would have hung in there for more and taken notes and then put those notes next to the phone and reminded myself next time I went to call to update them to not bother update them on anything ever again
I would also tell everyone in the family what I heard so it gets back to them

why do you HAVE to see them ?
If a funeral = yes you go but ignore them and if they speak to you hold up your hand and say “ next time you hang up the phone make sure you do it properly otherwise everything you say can be clearly heard “. Then walk away
they will have said more but they don’t know which part your heard up to

My approach would be different and more along ‘grey rock’ lines: i.e. avoid their company as much as possible and when you do have to see them be polite but distant.

People are allowed not to like you. Now you know, you can relegate them to your outer circle of acquaintances.

Spot on advice.

It means no confrontation on your part and they are aware of how rude they were. They are the ones that should be embarrassed and apologise. You might find they pull out of the meeting which would be a win win IMO.

Do this, but be prepared for them to make it your fault somehow. For 'listening in to things that don't concern you' or 'evesdropping' or 'spying' or whatever. People like this will always try to deflect blame away from themselves, so just brace yourself for this first.

Perfect solution! Well done! But how awful to be in that position.
FWIW, I find that when a person slags another off, the person they are venting to wants to outdo the other by trying to top the story.
They probably didn’t mean half of what they said.
That said, send the text then become NC pronto!

But if she does this they will think ‘Wow, she’s a cold person, we were right, she is stuck up, she barely spoke to us.’ They will have no idea what OP heard.

I think the only options are to A) Carry on as normal. Or B) Send that message a previous poster suggested.

This. Let them squirm before the next time you see them.

Exactly this