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Original poster

Just heard someone saying vile things about me when they thought they had put the phone down

240 replies

seventiesborn · 14/05/2025 12:28

I don’t know why but I’m shaking now. I called a relative earlier to give them some family news. I don’t really want to give too many details away but the conversation was civil and they thanked me for updating them. I then realised they hadn’t put the phone down and he started to imitate me to his partner and what I just said. His partner then started spouting off lots unpleasant things about me in the background and how she thinks I’m stuck up. I just hung up but I have to see them soon and wonder how I can react. I hate confrontation and I’m quite a quiet person.

OP posts:
CountryMouse22 · 15/05/2025 20:16

seventiesborn · 14/05/2025 12:28

I don’t know why but I’m shaking now. I called a relative earlier to give them some family news. I don’t really want to give too many details away but the conversation was civil and they thanked me for updating them. I then realised they hadn’t put the phone down and he started to imitate me to his partner and what I just said. His partner then started spouting off lots unpleasant things about me in the background and how she thinks I’m stuck up. I just hung up but I have to see them soon and wonder how I can react. I hate confrontation and I’m quite a quiet person.

This surely says more about them than you!

2021x · 15/05/2025 21:12

We all bitch about people behind their backs, that’s normal. The problem is you overheard, and you can’t unhear it. You might have caught them at a bad time, or maybe the only thing keeping their marriage together is that they are savage about their relatives.

For your peace of mind and to put them on notice you notice you should give them a chance to apologise that you overheard them. Then move on.

Hopingtobeaparent · 15/05/2025 21:15

Wishimaywishimight · 14/05/2025 12:36

I would be inclined to text; "In future you might want to make sure you have hung up properly before you start discussing the person you just spoke to." I wouldn't let them away without letting them know I had I had heard them.

Yes, this!!

FeatherDawn · 15/05/2025 21:24

HeddaGarbled · 14/05/2025 12:51

My approach would be different and more along ‘grey rock’ lines: i.e. avoid their company as much as possible and when you do have to see them be polite but distant.

People are allowed not to like you. Now you know, you can relegate them to your outer circle of acquaintances.

Absolutely this

If you call them out they will twist things around to blame you
They have told you who they are
LISTEN

Applecrumble0110 · 15/05/2025 21:29

Wishimaywishimight · 14/05/2025 12:36

I would be inclined to text; "In future you might want to make sure you have hung up properly before you start discussing the person you just spoke to." I wouldn't let them away without letting them know I had I had heard them.

HARD AGREE !!!!!!!!!!!

Ohnobackagain · 15/05/2025 21:31

Wishimaywishimight · 14/05/2025 12:36

I would be inclined to text; "In future you might want to make sure you have hung up properly before you start discussing the person you just spoke to." I wouldn't let them away without letting them know I had I had heard them.

100% this @seventiesborn I’d be messaging to say “just to let you know you hadn’t put the phone down properly yesterday and I heard everything you both said about me.”

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/05/2025 21:54

madmeg1952 · 15/05/2025 20:11

I would do what the majority have suggested. It may be that they are very sorry for what they said (and that you overheard it) and may surprise you by pointing out something you had done that (in their minds) had caused them to have that opinion of you.

I say this cos a very long-term (c 20 years) close friend of mine suddenly blanked me. I asked others in our close-knit group if they knew why, but they said not, so I visited the friend and asked her (gently) what I had done to upset her. She simply said that I knew full well what I had said/done and didn't want to discuss it. But I didn't have a clue at all. I asked her DH if he knew and he said not. Over the ensuing years I invited them to a few social events at home and although he sometimes came along (he knew others who were invited), he always had an excuse for his wife not coming (usually some illness). My DD was (is) a close friend with their son, having been to the same schools, knew each other's eventual spouses and been on holidays together many times, so invited them to her wedding six years ago. They politely conversed with me about how lovely the bride looked and things like that, but it was not like the old days at all.

Sadly she now has dementia so I will likely never know what it was all about.

I just wish she had told me at the time why she wanted nothing more to do with me. I'd like to be able to support her DH if he wants help.

I just wonder if your situation was similar in that you have done something to give your "friends" a poor opinion of you and maybe it was a misunderstanding at the time.

I don’t know what the gap was between the incident and the dementia diagnosis but my lovely Dad did things like this in the few years prior to his Alzheimers diagnosis. He developed weird grudges against people who hadn’t done a thing to him, including some family members and even people he’d not seen for 30 plus years. It was really quite upsetting. I wonder if this is what happened with your friend?

RecklessGoddess · 15/05/2025 22:20

I would have loudly said, thanks for letting me know how you really feel about me, THEN hung up. Then not have anything to do with them from then on. No calls to update on any family situations or anything else!

Passenger42 · 15/05/2025 23:30

In the words of Elsa “let it go” don’t send any sarcastic texts just be grateful you found out what dick’s they are and wrap up a really horrible Christmas present for them this year if you exchange gifts!

Bec1968 · 17/05/2025 14:08

This happened to me once, only in different circumstances, they had drunk rung me, but was talking away running me down and had talked for so long it was on my answering machine. I listened to it, saved it, and next time I saw them I told them exactly what I had heard, exactly what they thought of me (we were actually best friends for over 20 years, but I already had doubts about her loyalty which proved me right when I heard message) and since that day I have distanced myself and don't even talk to her no more, I'm so much happier, I didn't realise how much of a hold she had had over me all those years of 'friendship'. Im so sorry this happened to u but I would let them know that you heard, maybe text & say, 'u might need to check that u put the phone down correctly b4 u start talking about me, might save yourself the embarrassment of being caught!!!'

mommyandmore · 17/05/2025 17:21

I’m sorry this happened to you. This happened to me between my Gran and uncle after a convo I had with my Gran early postpartum basically being really vulnerable, telling her how I was struggling BF and finding it all very hard. I had my ear phones in and they didn’t put the phone down and had a huge slagging match about it which I heard. I was so hurt and didn’t speak to them for a while. In fact DS was over 1 before I let them meet him. I decided to not say anything however, I will never forgot how they made me feel at such a vulnerable time in my life. Second is due soon and I know I will not be going into details with them. Just keeping to basics and certainly not confiding in them! Live and learn. Their problem though!

Mumoftwoandcats · 17/05/2025 18:11

Wishimaywishimight · 14/05/2025 12:36

I would be inclined to text; "In future you might want to make sure you have hung up properly before you start discussing the person you just spoke to." I wouldn't let them away without letting them know I had I had heard them.

This!

asrl78 · 17/05/2025 18:53

Have several other people ever told you you are "stuck up" or been funny with you in a way that implies they are a bit off with you in general? If not, the issue is almost certainly with them. If yes, they may be right and you may want to try some internal retrospection. The truth is that if you have a voluntary characteristic that gets people's backs up and have no interest in owning it, it will likely be worse for you in the long term than taking the option of self improvement.

Engagebrain · 17/05/2025 19:15

This happened to me once so I got my son's whistle and blew it down the phone so they knew the line was still open, they knew I'd heard every word. I never spoke about it nor did they but the relationship was never the same. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

BruFord · 17/05/2025 20:13

Engagebrain · 17/05/2025 19:15

This happened to me once so I got my son's whistle and blew it down the phone so they knew the line was still open, they knew I'd heard every word. I never spoke about it nor did they but the relationship was never the same. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

That was a brilliant reaction @Engagebrain. 😂

HaveCreditWillShop · 17/05/2025 20:48

Wishimaywishimight · 14/05/2025 12:36

I would be inclined to text; "In future you might want to make sure you have hung up properly before you start discussing the person you just spoke to." I wouldn't let them away without letting them know I had I had heard them.

Ooohh yeah that’s good. That should give them the absolute (well deserved) horrors!

HaveCreditWillShop · 17/05/2025 20:49

asrl78 · 17/05/2025 18:53

Have several other people ever told you you are "stuck up" or been funny with you in a way that implies they are a bit off with you in general? If not, the issue is almost certainly with them. If yes, they may be right and you may want to try some internal retrospection. The truth is that if you have a voluntary characteristic that gets people's backs up and have no interest in owning it, it will likely be worse for you in the long term than taking the option of self improvement.

Oooh wow. Victim blaming much? As the OP says she is quiet, I’ve seen that misinterpreted as arrogant or stuck up many times, when the person is actually just shy and a bit socially awkward.

DeeKitch · 17/05/2025 21:05

pimplebum · 14/05/2025 12:49

Wow you hung up ? I would have hung in there for more and taken notes and then put those notes next to the phone and reminded myself next time I went to call to update them to not bother update them on anything ever again
I would also tell everyone in the family what I heard so it gets back to them

why do you HAVE to see them ?
If a funeral = yes you go but ignore them and if they speak to you hold up your hand and say “ next time you hang up the phone make sure you do it properly otherwise everything you say can be clearly heard “. Then walk away
they will have said more but they don’t know which part your heard up to

This!

I’d do their own impressions back at them when you see them and get your OH to do the same

hugs x

RAPSMom · 17/05/2025 21:08

Awful… I’m afraid if it was me I wouldn’t have hung up… I would have put the TV or Music on and let them realise that you’d heard… that would embarrass them…but that’s just me…

FancyOliveHiker · 18/05/2025 06:01

nopineapplepizza · 14/05/2025 12:42

Sometimes things happen so you see the truth.

You thought these people were kind and decent and your friends, you’ve found out they’re not.

Take your time to work out what you want to do with that information.

It was a relative according to the OP post.

ThisHonestGoldWriter · 18/05/2025 07:32

Sadly, most people are two-faced. It's just the way of the world. I wouldn't get too upset. I always joke that no way do I really want to know what people think of me. They need to bitch about me behind closed doors like any normal person!!! With regard to these people, just be civil to them when you meet them. You don't need to let them know that you know. However, given that you now know that they haven't got much regard for you, don't put much effort into them. If you like yourself, that's all that matters.

allamberedover · 18/05/2025 07:55

Great post @ThisHonestGoldWriter .

Libbysmum77 · 18/05/2025 08:21

Happened to me once and I was upset and angry but let it go because relative was known for occasional nasty remarks.

Debsnotts · 18/05/2025 08:24

Wishimaywishimight · 14/05/2025 12:36

I would be inclined to text; "In future you might want to make sure you have hung up properly before you start discussing the person you just spoke to." I wouldn't let them away without letting them know I had I had heard them.

I would definitely let them
know you know and watch them
squirm

Gg72 · 18/05/2025 09:31

Icecreammaninavan · 14/05/2025 12:30

This happened to me twice, once with my mum and once with my dad. I never forgave them and am now no contact. It was shocking and unpleasant to find out what they really thought of me.

I would be very gracious to them but I'd let them know I'd heard by repeating what they had said when they thought I'd gone by dropping it into bits of conversation make them squirm then have nothing to do with them