Just heard someone saying vile things about me when they thought they had put the phone down

[seventiesborn]

I don’t know why but I’m shaking now. I called a relative earlier to give them some family news. I don’t really want to give too many details away but the conversation was civil and they thanked me for updating them. I then realised they hadn’t put the phone down and he started to imitate me to his partner and what I just said. His partner then started spouting off lots unpleasant things about me in the background and how she thinks I’m stuck up. I just hung up but I have to see them soon and wonder how I can react. I hate confrontation and I’m quite a quiet person.

Ditto to this. I’d want to let them know without sinking to their level by being abusive.

Oh I’m so sorry, that is horrible. Remember this is a them problem, don’t let yourself be defined by what they say about you. I think we all agree the text above is great, and will give you a sense of power back I imagine. I think that’s more the reason to do it, than getting revenge.

This is perfect

I don't see the point of saying anything to them at all - the outcome would just as likely be 'And?' or an outright attack, whether that's for listening, because there's no need to pretend anymore in their eyes or denial/you're imagining things/you're crazy/making it up.

Good advice. Polite but firm

I'm in the 'send a text and let them squirm' camp, followed by never forgetting who they are. I hope they're not a close relative (and partner), because my next advice would be to limit future interaction with them, because they aren't worth your energy.

Yep, I couldn’t let it go without letting them knowing I heard them. Even if they apologised, they are only apologising for getting caught. I would ignore them from that point on.

As others have said, call it out before the moment has passed. Let them know that you caught them out. It’s them that are at fault here, don’t feel bad.

Send the text , chances are they carried on after you hung up , they'll never know when you stopped listening and it'll drive them mad .

Happened to me, Father and stepmother. I did in fact call back and tell him that I’d heard the whole thing and incredibly, he fronted it all
out indignantly and claimed that “you and DH must say things about us that we don’t know about.”?!?!

Have also heard my mum telling somebody stuff about me on the landline while I stood on the doorstep listening.

good luck and a hug to you.

That’s awful, I hope you’ve cut contact or stepped back massively.

I wouldn't feel that it was my responsibility to explain anything. They've saved you the hassle of feeling obliged to share with them going forward.

I'd probably be more confrontational and say something like 'I'm going to be generous assume that you accidentally didn't hang up before you said all that"

This is exactly what I would do

Yes do this.

And I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to see this pair of arseholes. I'm sure you can find better things to do.

Agree with sending the text and then going low/ no contact.

Horrible, horrible. However, see it as a positive that you got that insight and can adjust the effort you put into the relationship accordingly.

Also, do not take it personally. It says a whole lot more about them than it does about you.

I had this with my father-in-law (to be, weeks before the wedding) and I did text him something like this. 😎

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, it truly sucks. Sending hugs.

Are they elderly that they put the phone down instead of using a mobile?

Can you see why they call you a stuck up? I am not saying they are right, or that you are a stuck-up, but it can come from sheer jealousy because you succeeded where they didn't. It could be because you have standards and they are a slob.

See where I am getting at? When people insult you - to your face or behind your back - it's about them, never about you. It's their jealousy, insecurity, bitterness.

It's hard when it's a close relative, but they obviously feel inferior to you in some way, it's not you having and being any wrong.

This .

I don't know how old (or young) you are OP but the Me now (60) would so do the above .
Younger Me would not have, much to my regret now.. (not that we had mobiles but ykwim)

Do this. Then never speak to them again. That’s what I’d do.

👍👍

Not quite the same, but I read absolutely vile e-mails about me, written by my sister to my Mum. Thankfully my Mum was sticking up for me in the e-mails (which were full of blatant lies!). Our relationship will never be the same again.

This. 100 percent.

THIS^

I agree with the excellent wording above. But it is a personal attack, so I would be inclined to add something like: I had no idea you had such strong negative feelings about me but now I do, I promise to keep contact to minimum.

That way if you have to be at the same event for family weddings, funerals, christenings etc, you can avoid them without giving them the joy of deciding they were right about you being stuck up.

As PP have said, when people bitch about people they are civil to face to face, it's a poor reflection on them, not the subject of the bitching.