Just heard someone saying vile things about me when they thought they had put the phone down

[seventiesborn]

I don’t know why but I’m shaking now. I called a relative earlier to give them some family news. I don’t really want to give too many details away but the conversation was civil and they thanked me for updating them. I then realised they hadn’t put the phone down and he started to imitate me to his partner and what I just said. His partner then started spouting off lots unpleasant things about me in the background and how she thinks I’m stuck up. I just hung up but I have to see them soon and wonder how I can react. I hate confrontation and I’m quite a quiet person.

Please tell us @seventiesbornthat you sent that text suggested right at the beginning? It’s perfect.

It depends on the quality of the relationship whether you ignore it/them or not. However as suggested above, I send them a text confirming the key point(s) of the discussion and then also add a line saying 'when you finish a call you should check you have put the phone down properly before you start slag people off.'

I used this approach once at work (in an email) and the people involved were severely embarrassed especially when I subtly reminded them about it next time we saw each other.

Op what happened did you tell them?

I wouldn’t, they might think that the pass is sold and tell you exactly what they think of you. Not everyone likes you and unpleasant as it is to have this brought to your attention, be a grown up and ignore it. You aren’t married to them, you only have to see them in certain situations so either avoid them or be as civil as you are able.

I would have to let them know so when I next see them in a group situation they know why I don’t make any effort.
My policy with this type of thing is to look through them, no fake chat just cold to the point answers if they ask me anything, but no interest in them from now on. They would mean nothing from that point on.

I sent a work email once sharing the details of a designer I regularly worked with. I said something along the lines of “their design skills are fantastic but attention to detail can be a bit flakey so check for typos before you sign work off”. I accidentally copied the designer in. They replied and I was beyond mortified as I should have flagged this with them really, even though it was a minor criticism amongst praise.

So think how much worse your relative will feel knowing you heard their unpleasantness. I think you absolutely should call them out on it if you feel able to. It might make them consider their behaviour in future.

OP, hope youre OK, that’s a really nasty thing to experience.

What if you just said what you heard, and that it's hurtful. Let them sit with the discomfort of being rude?

I was once bad mouthed on a group email. It was horrible. It was all untrue too. Just lies. I was upset.
I'd tell them that you heard them and you do not want to see them again as you were very shocked

This ^ because they can stew on their behaviour. You shouldn’t have to. They will be embarrassed and rightly so.

Wishimaywishimight I agree with your post - they should know that you heard their nasty comments. I hope they feel awful.

Just by the by, you say you are quite a quiet person. I am too, and I think this sometimes comes across as being unfriendly or "stuck up". But that is no excuse for their horrible behaviour.

So sorry you are upset OP. This happened to me when my mother called me in error on her mobile whilst talking to my sister on the landline. I felt betrayed and angry at the time but the more I thought about it, I realised our relationship was over anyway because

As well as being negative about me and a situation they were wrong about, they were also guilty of conspiring to defraud council tax. My sister had also conspired with her daughter in her 40s to defraud the benefits system of over £300k.

Her daughter also phoned me, giddy with excitement and said that her then boyfriend was going to bring what was a spurious claim against the NHS - saying a trainee doctor had damaged a nerve in his leg and he would never walk again (he now works full time in a large supermarket!). They were going to spend their ‘winnings’ on holidays.

There are other crimes they are covering up but they are so bad I would need a TW.

My point is this - if they were not ‘family’ and just acquaintances I would have ditched them a long time ago. It took me a while as they are ‘family’ but it was all pretence and it feels so good to be free of them.

I called my sister and told her I had heard every word. She was shocked and even suggested that I might have tapped the phone?! I said no that would be criminal and she was the criminal.

Do tell them you heard - by text if you are not as vocal as me 😊

Did you text them OP?

This happened to me a few weeks ago in work, someone who always makes out to be my friend and who I work regularly with. I was stunned. I haven't pulled them on it, I just know now that the colleague is sly and two-faced and not to trust them as far as I can spit. I'm happy remaining silent about it - knowledge is power ☺️

"I understand how you feel about me so I will never contact you again"

Hope you’re ok and have put it behind you now, don’t let it drag you down, just shows they are the problem not you. They no doubt do this to most family and friends.

What did you do in the end? I feel an up date would be appropriate. You’ve posted this and received lots of advice, one piece of advice was acknowledged frequently as being ideal; the text which would be informative, polite and definitely not unkind, just advising them you heard what they said.

As it has been a few days now and just wondered if you’re going to let all your posters know?