Just heard someone saying vile things about me when they thought they had put the phone down

[seventiesborn]

I don’t know why but I’m shaking now. I called a relative earlier to give them some family news. I don’t really want to give too many details away but the conversation was civil and they thanked me for updating them. I then realised they hadn’t put the phone down and he started to imitate me to his partner and what I just said. His partner then started spouting off lots unpleasant things about me in the background and how she thinks I’m stuck up. I just hung up but I have to see them soon and wonder how I can react. I hate confrontation and I’m quite a quiet person.

It is a running joke - a group of female friends get together and nobody wants to be the first to leave for fear of being discussed unfavourably. Ignore.

But is it a joke or are you all actually being serious @Hwi ?

this is truly utterly unrelateable to me with both my friends and family @Hwi and depressing you seem to think it’s all quite “routine”

Perfect.

You are confronting them then but giving advice whilst letting them know you heard.

Ball is then in their court. But yes I’d be very upset in those circumstances.

That text is perfect - I would want them to know and make them feel awkward. I then wouldn’t engage in any way with them - they don’t like you so I wouldn’t give them any time , effort or attention. Life’s too short to pussyfoot around other people’s opinions.

This is a good response.

The OP has reacted in a typical female way “someone was awful to me, but I don’t want to say anything and cause trouble”.

I’m not trying to be rude OP. I’m the worst at this. I’m having CBT at the moment and this is something that has reared its head that I do and I am trying to change.

They are the ones in the wrong, and they deserve to be called out.

They deserve to be called out.

And remember, their words are just their words and not facts.

Same thing happened to me. My husbands much older sister called, husband said to say he wasnt in, she said family had just come in and would call back. I was still on the line when she started talking to them. Well what she didnt say about me and my husband 😂I put it on speaker so my husband could hear, he was absolutely devastated, he loved his sister, his whole family were a bunch of backstabbing swine. I lmao as I couldnt care less and phoned her back when she was finished and told her I had heard the lot, she said she would tell my husband I was lying 😂too late love he heard you! It worked out well because we never spoke to any of them again, they were awful people.
Life often has a way of giving us the heads up and the chance to run for the hills, you know what they are now and never have to talk to them again. No need for confrontation just avoid them.

Before I've read the rest, I totally agree with this. No wonder you're shaking! Arseholes. My neighbour recently did the same and I was going to let it go but decided nope and basically said similar to the above text. Hugs xx

It’s very hard to take how Janus faced people are. I must admit I ghosted an old friend because she so often talked shit about her friends to me. I thought there’s no chance at all she isn’t doing the same about me, and I just couldn’t find it in me to like her anymore.

@AthWat @Hwi Do ppl really do imitations and bad mouth others like that routinely? I’ve definitely said to DH that I don’t particularly like someone and found them arrogant, for example, but that’s the extent of it. DD recently complained about a disorganized friend who hasn’t got a joint trip sorted out, but it was CC a moan about the situation , not being cruel.

I’m realizing that I’m lucky to be in a family who doesn’t do that type of thing!

Who cares what these people think? They sound deeply unpleasant and best avoided.

Yes cutting them off instantly and without explanation would be ideal, I agree.

I agree. Calling out nasty people can have difficult consequences as they will blame you and turn others against you.
Knowledge is power. You now know what they think of you and that in itself is helpful.

That's really horrible OP, especially after you called to update them! Do you have to see them at the future event, I wonder if you could avoid? Would you feel comfortable opening challenging them by saying "by the way, you might want to ensure you've hung the phone up properly before you start talking about me". I would definitely be going low/no contact, I certainly would never update them about anything again.

My uncle did exactly the same to me once, when my mum died (his sister), I didn't even call, I sent a letter to him to inform him. I didn't speak to him at the funeral either, why bother engaging if people can't be civil and reasonable.

Or…. As I suspect with this couple, they will just laugh in the OP’s face

This. There's no reason to let them go their merry way in comfort. Put the embarrassment back where it belongs - with them.

When my parents did it twice they flat out denied it. It was a horrible experience but I’m happier without them in my life now.

@EasipeelerieSurely when someone finds out what the nasty ppl said, they’ll realize that the nasties probably also talk behind their backs as well…that would be my assumption anyway and I’d back away from them too.

They denied probably because they actually did wish to have you on some guise in their life

Whereas i suspect these people barely have any relationship with the op anyway and would just laugh in her face

Imitations, probably not, but what's the difference? That's just the way different people are. Nobody's going to say "well they said I was arrogant but they didn't do an imitation of me so I'm fine with that", are they? If anyone claims they haven't talked negatively about someone else to their partner, they're lying. It's not just about families either. Obviously its less likely you'd do it about your friends because you choose your friends; it's a bit silly to have friends you don't like. You don't have to like everyone in your family or everyone you are acquainted with.

@Stevio That's fine, they don’t want those ppl in their lives anyway.

Of course you family and your friends don't discuss you behind your back! Aye.

Most people with the sense they were born with realise everyone talks about everyone else "behind their backs" in private.

But I don’t discuss anyone behind their back with any of my friends or family and they don’t ever to me.

so why would I think they make the exception for me?

This happened to me a few weeks ago with my DM. I overheard her telling her husband that I was the reason my DD has a mental health issue. I’ve done everything (and more) possible to help DD and DM thinks because it wasn’t a thing when she was young that my DD is making it up and I’m facilitating her. It really really stung.

I texted her and let her know I’d overheard her and that I hoped I’d never speak about my DD the way she’d just spoken about me. Haven’t spoken since. This was about 6 weeks ago.

It’s hard but I wanted her to know that I now knew what she thought of me.

Sorry, if this is genuinely the case, then apologies and I am barking up the wrong tree. Sorry, I am speaking from bitter experience, and naturally it is hurtful to imagine other people behaving normally - because you begin to think 'why don't we function the same way'. Apologies.