How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

[Oganesson118]

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

Well, it sounds as if you do care, but are shooting yourself in the foot? Who are you really punishing, though?

I mean, celebrate or don’t celebrate as you like. I didn’t celebrate my 50th birthday at all because I wasn’t in the humour — Covid had just ended, we were in the middle of a house renovation, and had not long moved countries. I had all of DS’s friends around on a day-long play date. I don’t think anyone was particularly astonished or pitying. But I was acting according to my own wishes.

I won’t roast you. I get how you feel. Your DH is a selfish twat.
Can you do something nice by yourself? A treat just for you that you choose?

Why do you have to be ok with it? Your husband doesn't seem to give a two penny fuck about you, you certainly shouldn't be ok with that!

If women stopped forcing themselves to be ok with being taken for granted, their lazy shit husbands would have to get their acts together, and we might be able to breed this horrible trope of Homer Simpson-esque husbands out of the gene pool.

I think you need to sit down with your partner and tell him how you're feeling.

You're stuck feeling shit at the moment I get it we've all been there. Birthdays can be hard. It might feel like other people get these amazing gifts/parties and certainly in films it all looks like they magically happen. In reality we have to take ownership of our birthdays. I only have my husband who cares enough about me to make my day special. He isn't inside my brain he won't know what I truly desire unless I tell him.

It's not too late you both could have a chat and plan something.
If he isn't bothered then yes that's an issue and if it's been many years of him not bothered then I'd reconsider the relationship. But regardless you can still have an amazing birthday without him!

I know it will likely compound your sadness/the feeling of being alone, but I really think you should buck up and book a holiday and treat for yourself. You are worth celebrating, and so is your big day.

He's not going to give you what you want - he's either unwilling or unable to.

But you can celebrate, and do or see something special to mark your day.💐

Why is he spending so much AL on his family rather than you?

You should do something for yourself. Ideally, your DH would've planned something, but he hasn't. So do something nice for yourself!

How long has the family holiday been booked for? Did you discuss how close this was to your birthday beforehand?

Celebrate your birthday at the weekend. Not everything is booked up. Find something you would like to do and tell your DH what you've chosen for your birthday celebrations. Then make sure you book it.

Are you also going on the family holiday?

I get you're feeling it's all a bit shit - and you're right, your DH particularly is being shit. But why on earth have you decided to make yourself even more miserable by deciding no cards and presents?!

You need to say to DH that you're upset, that you want to have a meal out / a day trip / a weekend away and you need him to make it happen.

At the moment you've told him it's fine to ignore it, and it's not, and you'll be upset if he does what you've told him to do. That's completely nonsensical.

Also make it clear you don't want to hear about any reasons he doesn't want to or it's difficult, that's not your problem, he needs to sort it without your help and just let you enjoy it.

I understand how dispiriting you feel. Your partner isn’t thinking about you and you feel fed up and unappreciated.

But…
You’re cutting your nose off, OP. Damned right you celebrate your birthday.

Book yourself in to a spa. Get yourself on day course that you’ve alway fancied. Go fishing at Whitby, make a rug, do a cooking workshop, try a barista day. Whatever the hell takes your fancy.

Heck, book yourself back to back cinema tickets at one of the posh chains and have lunch and cocktails brought to your seat.

The one that he's already back from?

It's true though- there are 2 elements to this. It's sad he isn't bothered which is one, but OP deciding to spite herself is another issue.

@Oganesson118 This is mumsnet so how dare you want to make anything of your birthday!

But seriously, is there anything you could arrange for yourself? Is there a workshop taster type thing that you fancy - pottery, flower arranging, forging, crochet for beginners? A horse riding lesson, martial arts beginners session etc? Not necessarily birthdayish but something just for you. It could lead to a fulfilling hobby.

Your (D)h sounds rather selfish so I would suggest for the actual day get in some of your favourite food. Hopefully the weather will be nice and you can have a relaxing day in the garden reading, listening to an audio book, podcast, favourite playlist. Or have a day to yourself having a mooch round the shops, or whatever you do to relax. Do absolutely nothing domestic, it is your day and you are doing what YOU WANT to do. If he won't even take you out for a meal or drink then choose a good film to watch for the evening with a glass of something nice. He's done nothing so the remote control is yours for the evening.

Hope you have a lovely birthday.

YANBU to feel shit about the lack of thought and effort from your DH.
However… why cut off your nose to spite your face? Why the ‘no cards, no presents, nothing’ stance? It doesn’t make sense.

Stand up for yourself op.

Your husband has worn you down and has convinced you that you are not worthy of celebrating or treating.

Living with someone who constantly invalidates you is exhausting but the fact that you're posting here shows you do care.

Take yourself out. There's loads of things you can do.
City or country?

You could go for a day/weekend in a city, seeing the art gallery, cute cafes, shopping for your present.

Or a walk up a hill/mountain/track with a picnic lunch and amazing views.

Go on, you're worth it 💐

Ah missed that. Still, I wonder if she went on it too. Because I would be doubly incensed if DH couldn’t go away for a couple of days because of a two week holiday that I hadn’t even been included in.

I think the question is, what is your DH’s expectations for his birthdays? If nothing, then it’s not unreasonable. If he expects something, then he is very unreasonable.

We don’t celebrate birthdays in our household as we consider it a fake Hallmark occasion we are not buying into. Instead, we give each other the odd thoughtful gift either if/as a need arises or we spontaneously see something someone would like. We did celebrate for the kids until they reached high school though, then they just joined our ‘adult system’. We did a small 18yo thing for each with some friends, very simple party food and a cake, and gave each the option of a decent 21st, or the equivalent of cash in their savings account. I wanted a 40th, so I simply organised it myself, that way it was all exactly as I wanted. It certainly wasn’t DH’s job to do. If you specifically want something, just organise yourself, get yourself a cake or flowers or a gift if that’s what you want, it’s not up to anyone else. This all only works if you are in the same page though, if your DH expects stuff done for his birthday, then he’s completely taking the piss and you should be mad not upset.

Your DH is a thoughtless twat.

However, I would not let him ruin this for you. I am the most do not celebrate birthdays kind of person but still happily accept the cake, cards etc that my friends and family give. By rejecting these you are hurting yourself and potentially your friends and family.

Could you look at going away with your friends or even just by yourself. Go to somewhere that you always fancied going. There are loads of solo groups for travel online or do whatever else makes you happy.

I'm sorry you're feeling blue. Why was your husband away with family for two weeks without you??

Oh come on OP - you’re sad, you’re disappointed, but… you don’t care? Obviously you do!

This is clearly not about your birthday though, it’s about your marriage. Why is your DH using 2 weeks annual leave for a family holiday without his wife? Why is your DH not bothered about your birthday? Why aren’t you able to speak up and tell him it’s not good enough?

You have much bigger issues at hand here than a birthday celebration.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon.

WTF is this about?!