How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

[Oganesson118]

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

I don't think you can decide not to care about birthdays. I personally genuinely don't, but you do and you won't be able to change that.
By not celebrating at all, you're sending your family the message that doing nothing for you is also an option and one that you would choose.
If your friends are scattered about, pick one and go and visit and have a nice evening.

I wasn’t invited. It was during term time anyway and we have a school age child and they were doing family things.

We don’t celebrate birthdays in our household as we consider it a fake Hallmark occasion we are not buying into. Instead, we give each other the odd thoughtful gift either if/as a need arises or we spontaneously see something someone would like.

Having lost a sibling who only lived for a few hours, and many friends and family too soon since, each year passing is an absolute gift and to be celebrated in my view. We don’t go all out for none-zero birthdays but they are absolutely acknowledged.

Xmas and Easter, however, are total hallmark holidays and are completely ignored in this house.

so you didn't celebrate your kids birthdays from 12-17 ... that seems astonishing.

Fair enough if you and your DH aren't bothered but kids! They all love a birthday.

I don't see it this way - more of a hurt, self preservation fuck you to her Husband.

Please do think about doing something for yourself though.

I think I'd have more of an issue with this then your birthday. You and the child that you share together is his family now I can't believe he went on a family holiday without his family

Ok, so this says you have a much bigger problem than just your birthday.

Sorry.

I'm just listening to the 'let them' book. An important part of the phrase is ' let me'

So 'let them' not bother making an effort but crucially you must
'let me' book a workshop event and then tell everyone, if we're making a willow pagoda, the bunch on the course will give you a cheer, make you feel seen. It's my 50something treat to myself and everyone would celebrate your choice.
'let me' buy all the nicest food with flowers from M&S and set the dining table, your H can join you but celebrate you

So let him but also let you make plans

OP, from your other posts you say you feel obligated to spend your birthday with your DH and DD. Why? Your DH clearly doesn’t give a toss so either arrange to do something with your DD/with friends and leave him to it.

You also say he wants to move back to his home country. Let him. He’s showing you who he is. Stop facilitating him
making you feel unimportant.

Why is he having to go back to his family at that time?

How selfish of him.

Is he always such a selfish twat? Does he normally buy you presents or cards for birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day?

Him swanning off on holiday and leaving you caring for your child for two weeks is unthinkable. Especially because he said you couldn’t do your plans because he was taking a two week holiday. Do you ever get time away for yourself @Oganesson118?

I would caution you not to cut your nose off to spite your face. You do care about celebrating your birthday and that's perfectly fine and completely normal! I'm one of those people who expects a fuss every birthday regardless of whether it's a big one, so you get no judgement from me!!

So re your dh. Could it be he's downplaying as he has something special planned to surprise you? If you think this isn't a possibly, I really think you should just have an open and honest conversation. Tell him that you'd like to celebrate your birthday and that you feel like his hearts not in it and it's left you feeling a bit deflated and disappointed. If he's a decent husband, that will be enough to give him a kick up the bum to start getting a bit more hyped about it.

There's nothing wrong to want to celebrate your birthday, don't leave yourself disappointed by not communicating what you want.

Does he care about you at all?
Off doing "family" things? You are supposed to be his family too!

I probably wasnt clear. They were visiting family who I don’t know and going places they’ve been as a family before so it was just for them.

@Oganesson118 Do you have access to funds to plan and pay for your own celebration?

Dude don't martyr yourself. Sort something out just for you or you can a couple of mates. Tell your bloke, since he doesn't give a shit then birthdays are off completely.

I spent my 50th at my BILs funeral. Fun when people ask when I did for it. So I'm celebrating it in October instead. Sometimes we just have to roll with the punches and you'll regret doing nothing at all

This x 1000

I'm so sorry OP, you absolutely deserve to celebrate your birthday 💐. Is there a friend or family member you can go and visit? A nice hotel you can book for the night? A spa day near a friend and you stay overnight? I'd be letting your H know he has seriously let you down and either he books something today (surely there's something available even if just a really nice B&B in the countryside) you'll be organising something for yourself, he's not invited.

"I probably wasnt clear. They were visiting family who I don’t know and going places they’ve been as a family before so it was just for them."

Sorry but what does that even mean? Who is "they" and why can't you visit too just because you don't know them? Why are you talking about your husband's family and "family things" as if you are a complete stranger. Is he going with his ex wife and kids or something?

This. He's clearly a selfish arsehole. Doesn't mean you can't do something for yourself. And you should. While you're at it, have a think about why your husband doesn't seem to give a shit about you. And act accordingly.

Sounds like your dh (and possibly his family) have done such a number on you that you've completely lost all self-esteem.

When you're upset at people ignoring you, the idea isn't "How do I stop feeling upset?" It's "How frigging dare they, the bastards"

If it helps, imagine observing a friend being treated this way. Maybe even write down a basic list of what kindness and love actually means.

It would benefit you enourmously to get some perspective.

This is still not ok, especially if it means he can’t then do anything with you

Why do you not know your husbands family? Are they not your family by marriage now?
He’s a shit husband but don’t let him bring you down.
Can you take a weekend to do something you’d love to do? Alone or with a friend? I went to Edinburgh recently with a friend but I would easily do something like that by myself. In fact, I’ve wanted to go to York for ages and would do that by myself.
Or just go somewhere for an afternoon if you don’t like the idea of going somewhere by yourself.

I think you should give yourself the ultimate gift for this big birthday.

Divorce him. This isn't love.

Do something else for your actual birthday but still book the initial thing you wanted but for a different date soon after.

No no just his mum and sister. They’re a bit insular for want of a better word. Even so it was still during term time, and wouldn’t have been suitable for our child anyway, in terms of the itinerary.