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Original poster

How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

287 replies

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 10:38

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oganesson118 · 16/05/2025 00:47

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/05/2025 23:24

@Oganesson118

So your Mum may be interested in doing something with you ?
and I guess your daughter will be happy to be included and I think she may be primary school age anyway ?

Do you drive and have your own car ?

and I guess your birthday is the late May Bank Holiday weekend - not the August one.

depending on how much money you can find ?

why don't you go onto airB&B or booking dot com and find a cottage / a barn / an apartment for the 3 of you and have a girlie weekend ?
figure out how far you are able / willing to drive and see what comes up ?

then still depending on how much money you can lay your hands on :) you could find a nail salon or beautician nearby-ish and you could all have your nails done whilst away ? on the Sat even if this gets done before you check in.

Tho ideally I would be leaving on Fri after school / work etc and staying 3 nights...

Yeah she’s primary school age. I drive and have a car. I’ve started looking where we can go. I even looked at a place in Italy I always wanted to go but there’s no direct flights so that’s an adventure for another time!

OP posts:
CatMummyOf3 · 16/05/2025 08:02

@Oganesson118 I just wanted to echo what the others have said; you are not being a 'princess' or a spoilt brat, nor are you being materialistic by wanting to celebrate your 0 birthday (or any birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc).

Unfortunately you have an absolute bellend for a husband/partner and his family are no better. That's not OK and you shouldn't accept his bullshit. Find your anger, your self worth. Just because he doesn't value you, it doesn't mean you have no value. Don't let him teach your kid that you aren't important.

A trip to Italy sounds like a great way to celebrate, preferably without the DickHead. Go with your mum, or your DC (or leave DC with 'DH' to look after), or make plans with your friends.

From now on, only make plans for your birthday, he can sort his own. Same with Mother's / Father's Day. Treat him with the same contempt that he's showing you. He might get the message, but either way you get to celebrate how you want (and deserve).

Happy Birthday, I really hope you have a great time 💐

nopineapplepizza · 16/05/2025 08:32

If you want a long weekend away, how about the south of France or Northern Spain; Barcelona maybe? Or the Eurostar to Paris?

Short flights/train journeys make a weekend abroad quite do-able, and if your favourite place in Italy isn’t accessible, doesn’t mean other places aren’t.

Your ex, I mean H, can do the parenting and you and your mum can have a lovely time away.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
Nevernottrying · 16/05/2025 09:20

The big issue is really, Why are you wasting your precious life with such a selfish, uncaring individual ?Is this what you want for the rest of your days and years to come? We only get one life and wasting it with someone who clearly doesn’t give you a second thought is devastating.

SV8 · 16/05/2025 09:24

I take it his birthdays will also be cancelled from now on?

DoughBallss · 16/05/2025 12:35

Take yourself to a spa or do something you enjoy. Not the same on your own but better than feeling miserable!

And it’s ok to admit you care, we all like a bit of effort

IOSTT · 16/05/2025 21:13

How about a day at the beach with your Mum and DD, paddling, playing games, and eating ice creams? 🏖️🍦

Original poster
Oganesson118 · 16/05/2025 21:41

IOSTT · 16/05/2025 21:13

How about a day at the beach with your Mum and DD, paddling, playing games, and eating ice creams? 🏖️🍦

I’m keeping a close eye on the weather as it’s meant
to be raining (I was hoping to have a picnic) If it looks up this could be a winner

OP posts:
Bluegem7 · 17/05/2025 17:45

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 10:38

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

I'm wondering how your relationship with your husband is in general. Does he know how you feel about your special birthday? If you've never bothered celebrating maybe he hasn't even given it much thought. You need to tell him and gauge his reaction. I'm one of those people who get ridiculously upset 😭 over my 'special day' if my partner hasn't bothered. I've spent many birthdays crying into a bottle of wine. If your hubby knows you'll be upset and doesn't care then I'd say time to leave.

Marieb19 · 17/05/2025 17:57

I can not see what you get out of this relationship. Your husband is controlling and seems to have a warped view of who his family are and what his responsibilities are. Completely agree that you should do something with your mum and dd for your birthday. However, I think your relationship with dh is abusive and you need to reset some boundaries. Therapy or a solicitor.

WompWompBoom · 17/05/2025 18:07

What do you and your DD like doing? And what's your budget?

I'm sure collectively we can help if you'd like us too.

And you are in no way a spoilt princess or keeping up with the joneses. Do not let him twist this onto you.

And if he does absolutely nothing for your birthday, then as others have said, Father's Day is purely what gets made at school, that's it.

AngelinaJoyless · 17/05/2025 18:16

@Oganesson118 having RTFT I feel so sad for you.
Please know that you have value and deserve to be celebrated.
Many good ideas from PP, and I hope you find a way to celebrate the awesome human that you are.
Sending birthday wishes and a big hug from a stranger on the Internet
💐🏵🌹🎂🧁 with flowers and cake too x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/05/2025 19:26

Has he mentioned anything at all about your birthday in the last few days since the I guess I've botched it comment?
Does he know you are planning on doing your own thing.
Im assuming its near the half term if DD coming along.

I hope you do find a nice day/ or few days out and make your celebrations last a whole week at least. Order a beautiful cake and bouquet to be delivered to your house on the day. Maybe some helium ballons too!

GreenFressia · 17/05/2025 19:28

I don't celebrate mine - single and it falls on a bank holiday so I just feel this pressure that I have to offer something better than other people's bank holiday plans 😂

I do spend money on presents for myself though. I think you just have to ask for what you want in order to not be disappointed.

asrl78 · 17/05/2025 19:29

"I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either"

"I don't know how to make myself not care."

These two quotes combined make no sense to me, they are contradictory. You either care about celebrating your birthday or you don't. If you don't care, why does it matter if your husband doesn't care? If you do care, why don't you tell your husband it would be appreciated if you could do something or if he could make an effort to take you away for a weekend or whatever (not every single place in the country is booked up).

Decide whether you care or not and have a chat with your husband.

Jesslovesengineering · 17/05/2025 19:36

13 years in, this post could have been written by me. 16 years in, after having our son and going into lockdown, I finally took notice of those red flags. He is not insular. He is a narcissist. RUN.

Took me 3 years to get myself out and the situation ruined my physical and mental health. 19 years wasted. I can never have a partner again. I have CPTSD. Don't be like me. Get out now.

elh1605 · 17/05/2025 19:52

So your husband went on a long holiday with his family and NOT his wife or child!!! And now won't use AL to do something for your birthday.
What a selfish arse🤬🤬
Definitely book something for you to do in your own without him and give him the bill

BrightLeader · 17/05/2025 20:58

Sorry your husband is selfish & when it comes to a big birhday for him suggest you ignore it.

I have a big O one coming up & hubby & I are going away. Unfortunately my daughter with special needs also has a birthday just before mine ( she is an adult) . We would usually take her with us but not this time. ( It is also our 45th wedding anniversary at the same time) We will no doubt be branded selfish by other family members but as they never make any effort to arrange things for us then I really don't care.

I must say I'm really lucky to have such a generous & caring husband their seems to be so many selfish ones on mums net.

carchi · 17/05/2025 22:55

loropianalover · 14/05/2025 11:14

Oh come on OP - you’re sad, you’re disappointed, but… you don’t care? Obviously you do!

This is clearly not about your birthday though, it’s about your marriage. Why is your DH using 2 weeks annual leave for a family holiday without his wife? Why is your DH not bothered about your birthday? Why aren’t you able to speak up and tell him it’s not good enough?

You have much bigger issues at hand here than a birthday celebration.

Totally agree. For OP to feel so let down there must be more history to this relationship than just this one birthday. To completely give up and not bother to celebrate at all is an attempt to show her husband how his behaviour is upsetting her.

Measinglemum · 18/05/2025 09:38

I d be tempted to go on a mini break with my family and the kids and leave him on his todd 2 weeks in summer

Lalalalalalalalalalaoohoohwee · 18/05/2025 12:30

You need to plan something for yourself, and for just you. Book a spa weekend or a city break and just have some time to yourself doing the things you enjoy. You can't rely on other people for happiness, you can create it for yourself and by yourself.

Lalalalalalalalalalaoohoohwee · 18/05/2025 12:36

If you do plan something, pls don't invite your husband along. He needs to understand that there is an inbalance in your relationship and he needs to make more effort. When he calls you materialistic, he's gaslighted you, do not accept this. He needs to understand it's not about the money, it's about putting in time, thought and care for the person you love.

Behaveyourself88 · 18/05/2025 14:34

Happy birthday 🥳. I’ve just had mine this week and although my DH has got dementia he is still capable of doing things I’d planned, unfortunately he chose not to this week so I now know how much he thinks of me!! My DS & DDL made dinner and had a birthday cake at theirs and just as I was about to leave to go there he decided not to come, telling me I hadn’t told him about it (I had twice) so I got in my car and left him at home. Horse racing was on and I know that’s why he didn’t come! If it had been one of his brothers birthdays he’d have been there like a rat up a drain pipe. Next year is a biggy for me too so instead of waiting for him to come or upset me again I’ve decided a year in advance to start looking and to do something on my own next year so he can’t upset me anymore. How about a mini cruise with your DC from Southampton or wherever you live?

Lilywc · 19/05/2025 00:46

Hang in how come he gets to go away with his family & you don’t?
that’s so mean to not even humour you & do something for YOUR birthday whether you have or have not done things in the past!
he does sound very selfish if I may say so ,
could you not take yourself off for a spa day & treat yourself to some YOU time?
have a happy birthday from me
(I have an 0 birthday coming up soon too xx )

Original poster
Oganesson118 · 19/05/2025 09:24

Lilywc · 19/05/2025 00:46

Hang in how come he gets to go away with his family & you don’t?
that’s so mean to not even humour you & do something for YOUR birthday whether you have or have not done things in the past!
he does sound very selfish if I may say so ,
could you not take yourself off for a spa day & treat yourself to some YOU time?
have a happy birthday from me
(I have an 0 birthday coming up soon too xx )

Yeah I am looking at doing something. I'm not a big fan of spa days but something activity based is always fun. Just need to make sure it works for my daughter as well as I will probably need to take her along.

OP posts: