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Original poster

How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

287 replies

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 10:38

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

OP posts:
thestudio · 14/05/2025 14:44

Sorry op. He sounds like a mean and self-involved prick who's happy for you to feel uncared for, and makes it all about him when you're sad about that fact.

I wonder how much discussion you had about him leaving you with all the childcare and domestic stuff while he went off on his own for two weeks. And how many other ways he shows contempt for your wishes and needs.

You'll have lots of people saying 'spa weekend on your own' etc but that's a bit of a waste of time and he'll probably sabotage that too.

So I'd just focus on leaving him.

TwentyKittens · 14/05/2025 14:45

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 13:23

Yes. We went to Center Parcs as our daughter was quite little still. I organised and paid for it.

Show quote history

What do you mean you paid for it?

Out of your money, or do you mean you paid but from joint money.

Original poster
Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 14:52

TwentyKittens · 14/05/2025 14:45

What do you mean you paid for it?

Out of your money, or do you mean you paid but from joint money.

Show quote history

My money. We put money into a joint account for household expenses but this was out of the “my” money left over.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Events & celebrations
Hdjdb42 · 14/05/2025 15:18

Your husband is being very selfish. I'd look up something to do and just book it now. Imagine its your last birthday, book something. You are Important and deserve to enjoy your birthday. Even if its just a massage and a nice meal somewhere, followed by a beautiful birthday cake and expensive bottle of champagne! 🍾

whitewineandsun · 14/05/2025 15:19

He's worse with every post. Life is too short for this, OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2025 15:25

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 13:04

Well I spoke to him. Apparently I need to stop looking at social media and trying to keep up with the Joneses. Now he’s gone off in a sulk saying “sorry clearly I botched it” but in a way that makes me feel I’m the one in the wrong.

There is a certain type of man who will give you this choice:

Cool Wife/Doormat
Bitch/Nag

And those are the only choices. Either you suck up being treated like shit, or you nag and bitch and complain and you're an arse. Your partner is this man. Do not play.

If the choice is cool wife or bitch, I choose bitch.

In the short term, find a spa hotel, or expensive treat, or fun activity or SOMETHING and book it and do it. In the long term, don't settle. Demand to be treated well or leave.

BestDIL · 14/05/2025 15:29

I, too, have a big birthday this year ending in a 0. If my DH told me that he was going away for 2 weeks with his parents and then couldn't fit me into his plans, I would literally go apeshit at him. Why is he going away with his parents? Is this an annual thing?

Our son is 21 this year so double celebration. I don't like a lot of fuss and didn't want a big staged party so we have all our immediate family coming round for a BBQ. There will be 24 of us in total and I can't wait. This is my ultimate birthday celebration! Son will be organising other stuff with his friends too!

crumpet · 14/05/2025 15:30

2 things:

You don’t have to go away actually on your birthday for it to be a birthday trip. (In the same way that being given tickets to the theatre for Christmas and going in February still counts as the Christmas present). Book it for a long weekend that works, and go somewhere that you’d perhaps not normally go to.

Despite being a bank holiday, I am sure you could still find somewhere lovely for lunch on your actual birthday.

win win

Codlingmoths · 14/05/2025 15:35

Op, your dh has fucked up and let you down. Do not say anything conciliatory or try in any way to hide your feelings or make you feel better. Him: well clearly I botched it. You; yes , that’s an understatement. You’d have to be the village idiot to not realise doing absolutely fuck all for your wife’s milestone birthday because you’re too focused on a holiday you’re taking without me is a major fuck up. A divorce worthy fuck up because why would anyone be married to someone who cares as little about them as you seem to about me?

and book a lawyers appt, and a weekend away somewhere you want to go, solo. Or a week. Whichever you’d prefer as long as you do not consider your dh one but in the plan. If he has to cancel a presentation he’s been working on for months because his child’s default parent has gone on strike, that’s natural consequences, and not your problem. Have a wonderful birthday!

mummybear35 · 14/05/2025 15:35

Sorry, is it just me…but I can’t get past husband using two weeks of his annual leave to holiday with his family but WITHOUT his wife?? How strange..

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/05/2025 15:38

Codlingmoths · 14/05/2025 15:35

Op, your dh has fucked up and let you down. Do not say anything conciliatory or try in any way to hide your feelings or make you feel better. Him: well clearly I botched it. You; yes , that’s an understatement. You’d have to be the village idiot to not realise doing absolutely fuck all for your wife’s milestone birthday because you’re too focused on a holiday you’re taking without me is a major fuck up. A divorce worthy fuck up because why would anyone be married to someone who cares as little about them as you seem to about me?

and book a lawyers appt, and a weekend away somewhere you want to go, solo. Or a week. Whichever you’d prefer as long as you do not consider your dh one but in the plan. If he has to cancel a presentation he’s been working on for months because his child’s default parent has gone on strike, that’s natural consequences, and not your problem. Have a wonderful birthday!

This. With bells on. Do not be the peacemaker here. You deserve better.

NameChangedOfc · 14/05/2025 15:39

Your husband is alarmingly enmeshed with his family of origin. This is so unhealthy that, honestly, celebrating your birthday or not should be the least of your worries...
I'm sorry if this is too personal but how old are you both? It's utterly bizarre that he holidays with his family without his child and wife.

mummybear35 · 14/05/2025 15:42

Ah ok, just scanned through the thread and now have the facts about the family holiday…regardless, I’m sorry, he’s a twat! You pay into a joint account yet YOU paid for the last holiday? He’s prepared to use leave to
go on family holiday without you but not for you? He’s now gaslighting you? I’d be done with him! He is selfish and self serving and doesn’t seem to value you to the point that now you don’t seem to value yourself. I’d be booking a birthday celebration for myself WITHOUT him and when I return, I’d be taking stock to detach myself from him..

Toiletbrushanswer · 14/05/2025 15:42

You need to have a proper talk with your H and tell him to cut the self pity. Yeah he botched it so time to fix it. It may be late but better than nothing.

User2446433 · 14/05/2025 15:43

This would be the moment I would treat myself to something big. It was my birthday ending in a zero last year I knew noone would do much so I upgraded my engagement ring and wedding ring to platinum with a big diamond on the engagement ring. I can spoil myself even if no one else does! Copy that for a takeaway when no one else in the house likes them if I feel I need one!

HazelTraybake · 14/05/2025 15:45

Oh op I feel for you! At first I was hoping that you were going on the family holiday too and that he was maybe pretending to not have plans for your birthday to surprise you.... But then I continued reading and saw you didn't go away with him and the family and that there is also no surprise, how heartbreaking!!
Firstly I'd like to know if you're local to me as I would totally take you for lunch and a spa treatment day to pamper you for your special day!!
Secondly he had best be prepared to get a sweet f all on his birthday absolutely zero effort🤣
Jokes aside I think that you should tell him how offended you actually are and that you've tried to cover up your feelings with trying to spite yourself but actually communication is key and he needs to know he's seriously messed up here and it's not acceptable.

Dinomum79 · 14/05/2025 15:45

Book an overnight spa trip with your pals x

Kittyloulou · 14/05/2025 15:46

Wow. Have you been gaslit or what?!?!?

Sunnyside4 · 14/05/2025 15:50

He's botched it, well the news is he's obviously got a couple of days to unbotch! If not, I'd look at making my own plans. Is it too late to visit a friend for the day/overnight, do a bit of shopping/sightseeing, meal out or bubbly in. Alternatively, to be honest there's always availability if you look hard enough to go away. Start searching and chose what you'd like to do, he then has an ultimatum, you either both go, you go on your own or he makes plans!

BuildbyNumbere · 14/05/2025 15:50

Why is he going on a 2 week holiday with you?
Can you go away or do something with a friend?

JassyRadlett · 14/05/2025 15:52

Jesus what a twat.

OP, you're not being unreasonable, he's off in a sulk and blaming you because it stops him feeling guilty and knowing he's let you down.

Dont ignore the birthday. Make it your day. He's not invited, because it's not important to him - and it's important to you.

What do you enjoy when you're on your own? Pottering around antique shops in interesting little towns, art galleries, theatre, sightseeing, bookshops? Could you use the budget you'd have spent on husband and child for the weekend to jump on a Eurostar and take yourself to Paris or Amsterdam? Treat it as a reset moment - it's such a special birthday you get to spend it all by yourself doing exactly what you like.

UrbanMonstrosity · 14/05/2025 15:52

Sorry? Did celebrating your wife’s birthday start on social media?
So he’s making you expecting him to celebrate your birthday as a family a ridiculous notion that you picked up on social media.
He’s a disgusting excuse for a husband. I’m never one to say ltb but honestly, it must be unbearable to live with someone who cares so little for you when you probably show you care in so many ways.

JassyRadlett · 14/05/2025 15:54

Also: tell us what you love to do and I bet between us we could plan a brilliant, surprising cracker of a solo birthday trip for you.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 14/05/2025 15:54

Plan a gorgeous holiday away with your child, or a weekend away with the girls or even a solo trip....over his birthday....or father's day.

Winter2020 · 14/05/2025 15:54

How about booking the weekend in London with a show? Include your daughter and invite your husband - if he is a misery go without him. The Lion King is great.