How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

[Oganesson118]

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

There are a lot of good ideas on here. I’m not in the right frame of mind to decide what I would like to do at the moment because everything seems “meh” when in a low mood but I am sure there will be something I would like. Probably need to be solo as I don’t have the kind of friends I can ask to do something like this, not locally anyway, but that’s just life.

My parents live abroad too.
When I go away to see them or other family members, it IS a hols.

Unless you consider spending time with your family a chore obviously…..

It's horrible and truly upsetting when someone who should love you does nothing for special events. No roasting from me, just sympathy. Been there, divorced that!

Well then that makes things even worse.

what’s your plan?

I can tolerate about 6 hours with some of mine. Inlaws considerably less.

I need to sort my mood out because obviously when you feel a bit rubbish it's difficult to remember what you enjoy, it can all feel a bit "meh" so I'll have to do that before I give some of the ideas on here some consideration. I don't really prefer to spend my birthday on my own but it sounds like I may have to.

If you do have close friends that are not local, maybe go and visit one of them for the weekend? Sorry, I'm not trying to push you to make a decision, just oddly invested in making sure you get a great brithday away from your mean and uncaring husband.

Could you meet your friends in a destination everyone can get to? If your birthday is a "0" this year are there any others also turning the same age? Maybe you could all meet at a spa or city for a couple of nights away.

Alternatively: how old is your dd? Would she enjoy a spa evening or special mother and daughter trip?

Additionally/alternatively: maybe sit down with your husband and say "now I've turned 30/40/50 these are the things I want to do together this year" and get them booked in. Live music events or a hotel stay somewhere you haven't visited or a physical challenge you've always wanted to do

It's ok you don't sound pushy. I'm taking them all as suggestions. I do think he will be horribly offended/grumpy if I choose to spend the day with someone else (and I know it's ridiculous that that bothers me!), and my kid probably might be too.

I’m quite impressed by how many minimising techniques your dh has pasted in his answer.
Minimising and deflecting (just keeping up with the Jones)
Gaslighting: you’re not upset
Playing the victim: I supposed I’ve fucked up
Being PA
And DARVO : Deny (Therecis no issue), Attack (keeping up with the Jones’ and Reverse Victim and Offender (the Oh poor me’ that leaves you feeling guilty).

Does he always react like this when you dare voicing some needs or what’s of yours?

Also noticed you mentioned it’s YOU who normally organise all the b’day cake etc… Did I read that right?

Why would he offended? Because it’s a clear sign he badly failed? Or because he’d need to look after his dd on his own? Or because you’re having a life of your own?

Not read any of the replies yet but know there’s prob people telling you that you sound like a 7yo or that you’re precious lol. Hopefully not though.

It’s horrible you’ve made it clear you wanted a big birthday but he’s done nothing. Really shitty husband behaviour. But you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face. Plan something, tell DH he’s let you down, celebrate with others or something. You will only regret cancelling your birthday and it’ll be a sad horrible day. Take control and find something you will enjoy

Yes I do that. I like making the effort. I mean I organise them for him and sometimes for myself because I don’t think anyone else will. I booked and paid for my own Mother’s Day meal this year.

I'd be organising something for myself! Book a massage and pedi/mani, buy a new book, get some nice shower stuff, a new top... whatever. But treat yourself to something you like and he pays!

I don’t really celebrate my birthday, but that’s because I don’t care.

If I did care, I’d be furious with DH if he took the attitude you’re describing.

I think you need to sit him down and say while it might be trivial to him, it’s important to you and you would like cake/gifts/a trip away.

Accept that he can’t change the past, but say that you want to book something for the future. It doesn’t have to be on or around your birthday if that’s now not possible, and it’s perfectly fine to say to others you’re celebrating by going away in the summer. But make it clear to your DH that you’re not okay with it, and remind him in good time next year that you don’t want a repeat of this year.

Please tell me that you’re not one of those women who gets treated like crap on their birthdays and Mother’s Day yet will l go all out for them on Father’s Day. He’s prick and you need to put yourself first.

i don't understand. What does he mean he is going on holiday with his family? That's you isn't it?

I meant with regards to losing the useless arsehole you married.

So basically you’re the organiser and he thinks he doesn’t have to make any effort. And never have.

Except this time, you wanted him to do something abd show a bit if care. And he hasn’t.

Have a look a bit further @Oganesson118 . Nothing would surprise me less than him behaving like this in other areas - and not showing much care for your wants and needs.

Fwiw simeine who really cares in hearing how disappointed you are would have said something like ‘Oh shit. I was so preoccupied with my own trip that I didn’t realise it was so close. I’m really sorry. Let me look at what I can organise that weekend’.

That’s AWFUL. I’m 40 in July and my EX husband is planning a holiday for me and the kids to celebrate in school hols.
separate rooms, nothing going on… just a thoughtful birthday gift

If it were me I would book myself a spa day - treat myself to a new book and some magazines. Book a treatment if budget will allow. Treat yourself to lunch and a glass of champagne.

When you are feeling a little less sad about your twat of a husband, have a really good think about what would be an ideal day for you. and just book it.

Or maybe the ideal birthday present to yourself would be to book an appointment on your birthday to see a divorce lawyer. Happy birthday to me - I’m divorcing you!

That's awful. You need to stop doing that if it included him and even your LO. I took a leaf out of my MIL's book a couple of times on Mothers Day and arranged to go out with my mum and sister - without husbands and without kids! It's lovely!

The thing with you doing the organising of the events for you is that things will never change and you'll NEVER get it done or paid for you. One day resentment will set in more than it has up to now and you'll realise what a thoughtless prick he is.

With your big birthday, do you have any close family you could go on a weekend away with? I work in a school so sometimes holidays don't always align with exact dates I need for things and if that happens I always just move the event to the nearest school holiday and mark it then.

I would ALWAYS discuss any big birthday plans for anyone in the family far in advance, though, and be honest about what I'm hoping for so we can make it work. eg if my husband had come to me and said he wanted to go away with his family at the time of my big birthday I would have mentioned it, told him I would have liked to spend it with him and try to find a way around it. Was there any kind of similar discussion when he first talked about his family trip?

No. His mum and sister chose the dates based on their convenience and that was it.

That’s just awful. I can’t believe he didn’t even pay for Mother’s Day meal. How do you allow him to get away with this? I bet he expects loads for Father’s Day and Xmas etc? I mentioned I was looking at kindles and my DH was like that can be your Mother’s Day present. You pick which one you want and I’ll transfer you the money. I got a discount for handing old one in so it suited me to do it this way. I think you need to be more forthright with him and say I would like this for my birthday/mother’s day. No excuses then, if he doesn’t make an effort, he doesn’t care and is an asshole