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Original poster

How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

287 replies

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 10:38

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

OP posts:
BasicBrumble · 14/05/2025 15:55

So you lose out if you say nothing and do nothing
You lose out if you point it out to him because all you get is a passive agressive comment and no attempt to fix anything
If you arrange something for yourself (you should), he will no doubt be in a grump too.

It is your birthday - yet he is putting you in a lose-lose situation. He sucks.

Haveanaiceday · 14/05/2025 16:02

A piece of advice I saw recently was "We teach people how to treat us by the behaviour we tolerate". Don't be ok with him treating you so thoughtlessly, you aren't asking too much. Most people celebrate birthdays and those who don't are more unusual and would have discussed it beforehand like the previous poster who had a family tradition of not celebrating birthdays, but giving thoughtful gifts at other times. Tell him you are disappointed with him and arrange something really nice for yourself to show yourself you are worth celebrating. Don't consider him, go by yourself or with someone who appreciates you.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 14/05/2025 16:02

Your husband is not a good husband.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
PopcornKitten · 14/05/2025 16:05

TheHerboriste · 14/05/2025 10:51

Why is he spending so much AL on his family rather than you?

100% this.

Sgreenpy · 14/05/2025 16:05

Surely you could book a table at a local restaurant and go out for dinner at least.
Or the cinema/theatre or afternoon tea.

Lolamills · 14/05/2025 16:08

I do find this sad because my birthday is also over the bank holiday in May and my husband, on his own accord, booked us one of our favourite camping trips a few weeks ago. But I have to agree with some comments, who are you punishing by not celebrating? I’d be taking myself for afternoon tea and going shopping / doing something I love and leaving him at home if he was like this.

Genuinely do hope you have a wonderful birthday, however you choose to spend it!

FatherFrosty · 14/05/2025 16:09

I have a really funny attitude to birthdays, which makes things difficult for my family.
Dh started to step up when I booked stuff for myself and the kids to do. Nothing major, just afternoon tea (not a londond fancy one) or go to a lovely national trust place for a picnic.
when he realised he should be doing something he did it.

fuck him. Book something for yourself and enjoy it without him.

BoiledSpuds · 14/05/2025 16:09

Buy yourself something special and read through the posts. There are some great ideas.

Happilyobtuse · 14/05/2025 16:11

When you say no presents, no cake etc. did you stipulate this?! Will he actually go through with it?! Does it have to be a big party or a holiday? Can you not just do a nice family meal, with a gift of your choosing and ask your partner to book a spa day or something. Don’t bother about other ppl asking and what you will say. What would make you happy? I had a big birthday during covid and couldn’t do much with a small baby and a pre-schooler but my DH got me cake, lots of gifts and ordered some great food etc. He also had flowers delivered, and it was simple but lovely!

NiceoneSonny · 14/05/2025 16:12

Celebrate your birthday on your own. Book yourself something really lovely to do. Your husband sounds a complete dick. I would not be making any effort for him in future.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 14/05/2025 16:12

mummybear35 · 14/05/2025 15:35

Sorry, is it just me…but I can’t get past husband using two weeks of his annual leave to holiday with his family but WITHOUT his wife?? How strange..

The OP has posted 6 times on here. He’s visiting his mother in his home country. It’s not a “holiday” as such.

(I’m thrilled when my DH takes time to visit his family without any intention of me going along, but no way would he choose that over doing something with me/DD on one of our birthdays.)

UnctuousUnicorns · 14/05/2025 16:14

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 11:18

I wasn’t invited. It was during term time anyway and we have a school age child and they were doing family things.

Show quote history

Can you honestly not see just how fucked up that is? If my DH had asked me if it would be okay for him to fuck off on holiday with Mummy and Sis while I was left looking after our child, I'd have laughed in his face. In fact, I'm laughing now at the utter absurdity of such a thought.

newfriend05 · 14/05/2025 16:15

I'm not one for saying LTB ,, but when I see posts like yours .. I'm so happy I'm single and I.m not dealing with men like your Other Half ... he selfish , greedy and you deserve better ..

Oldglasses · 14/05/2025 16:19

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 13:04

Well I spoke to him. Apparently I need to stop looking at social media and trying to keep up with the Joneses. Now he’s gone off in a sulk saying “sorry clearly I botched it” but in a way that makes me feel I’m the one in the wrong.

I'm sorry but your DH is making it all about himself. I don't celebrate my bday because of social media, I've always enjoyed my birthday. I don't do a big thing every year but certainly have for the milestone and ones ending in 0, so has DH and he certainly doesn't do social media!
Get together with your own friends, or even do something with your son. And don't bother organising anything for your DH in the future.
There's nothing wrong with organising your own birthday but if you say to your DH 'what shall we do' and he makes no effort to discuss or tells you you're making a fuss, that is not on.

MrsDrDear · 14/05/2025 16:20

Christ that's low. Does he actually like you?
Life's too short for this shit.

ny20005 · 14/05/2025 16:20

you need to plan something yourself. My dh did nothing for my last big birthday. He makes a big thing of saying he doesn’t celebrate birthdays.

I booked an overnight hotel / spa trip & had an amazing time. He was annoyed that I didn’t include him Confused

his next big birthday, he’s getting nothing

TheHouseElf · 14/05/2025 16:23

Understand exactly how you are feeling as had an upsetting birthday myself recently. Not a card or a present from my OH, my DD (20) or DS (17). Sweet FA. Only a few birthday cards in the post from family and friends - most arriving 3/4 days after my actual birthday, so clearly an after-thought, and again, no gifts. Nothing arranged for the day itself, and in the end had to push to just go out to a local cafe for cake and coffee, and in the evening had a mediocre takeaway as I absolutely refused to make everyone dinner.

Left me feeling really taken for granted and was a real let down. Had me in tears on the day as it just showed that I just didn't matter that much to anyone. I have vowed I'll never let this happen to me again. So next year, I don't care what I do or where I go, but I will be leaving them all at home while I do something for me. Because I matter - and so do you.

bigfacthunter · 14/05/2025 16:25

I get it OP, been there. It’s humiliating to have to book and arrange and pay for all your own birthday festivities when you have a life partner who could (and should) do it for you. I bet you would do it for him. Ugh.

Take charge and give yourself the weekend you deserve. Do you have enough cash for a mini break abroad? Spa in Budapest? Vermut and bandarillas in Barcelona? Smoking big fat joints in Amsterdam (maybe get a tattoo too)? Cycle weekend along the Danube? Winetasting in Portuguese vineyards? I think all of these could be achieved for £400 all Inc and a situation like this is warrants putting it on a credit card if need be.

It’s not normal to treat your life partner like this. You deserve better

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/05/2025 16:26

I get you OP.

It's my birthday and we can't celebrate it as we've recently had a funeral in the family and everyone feels it's too soon to celebrate.

It feels like there's always a crisis around my birthday or people already have plans like holidays and it's hard to feel special and you just want someone close to you to realise you are special and worth sacrificing some extra annual leave for, or discussing plans and cementing them, especially your own partner who should see you as one of the most important people in the world.

Please try and make your birthday special for you. Order expensive takeout, get a movie on that you've not seen before, have a nice trip round the shops or the garden centre or whatever your retail poison of choice you've got.

You clearly do care, and there will be time for reassessing your standing with your partner and friends and family later but if you try and do it all right now you're going to ruin your big day.

The most important person to you is you and you don't need any one else's permission to make yourself feel special.

Read the riot act later. Love yourself now.

LardoBurrows · 14/05/2025 16:27

Your husband is a selfish twat. I think a cattle prod to his testicles is in order.

I do hope you manage to plan something with your DC to celebrate your big 0. Make sure you reciprocate your H's attitude when his birthday comes around,

TwentyKittens · 14/05/2025 16:31

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 14:52

My money. We put money into a joint account for household expenses but this was out of the “my” money left over.

Show quote history

He gets worse and worse with each post!

This is a not nice man, OP.

Please use YOUR money to do something awesome for your birthday.

For my 40th I paid for me and my now ex to holiday in student rooms during the summer hols as I thought he'd be pleased I'd managed to find something so cheap. He was, but I look back and feel so embarrassed that I thought it was acceptable! Meanwhile, I made sure he had the best! What an idiot I was!

NiceoneSonny · 14/05/2025 16:32

TheHouseElf · 14/05/2025 16:23

Understand exactly how you are feeling as had an upsetting birthday myself recently. Not a card or a present from my OH, my DD (20) or DS (17). Sweet FA. Only a few birthday cards in the post from family and friends - most arriving 3/4 days after my actual birthday, so clearly an after-thought, and again, no gifts. Nothing arranged for the day itself, and in the end had to push to just go out to a local cafe for cake and coffee, and in the evening had a mediocre takeaway as I absolutely refused to make everyone dinner.

Left me feeling really taken for granted and was a real let down. Had me in tears on the day as it just showed that I just didn't matter that much to anyone. I have vowed I'll never let this happen to me again. So next year, I don't care what I do or where I go, but I will be leaving them all at home while I do something for me. Because I matter - and so do you.

I bloody well hope your H and DC don't expect you to make a big effort for them. Please don't!

mismomary · 14/05/2025 16:43
  1. Let DH know that you would like to celebrate your birthday. Up to him what he organises. Then just see what happens. If nothing then that's a different thread required.
  2. Buy yourself a present. As nice as you can afford. A watch, a ring, something you will wear a lot, preferably daily. You will get a little birthday buzz every time you notice it. AND bonus - if someone asks how you celebrated you can say oh I treated myself to this!
Original poster
Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 16:44

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 14/05/2025 16:12

The OP has posted 6 times on here. He’s visiting his mother in his home country. It’s not a “holiday” as such.

(I’m thrilled when my DH takes time to visit his family without any intention of me going along, but no way would he choose that over doing something with me/DD on one of our birthdays.)

Show quote history

He wasn’t visiting his mother. She lives here. They visited some other people that I’ve never met but mostly travelled around.

OP posts:
NiceoneSonny · 14/05/2025 16:48

@Oganesson118

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face by not doing anything. Write down what your ideal birthday would be and what your ideal present would be. Then, as far as is feasible, just go and do it for yourself. Take charge of what you want in life. He will probably kick off if you do, but screw him. This man is not a partner in the true sense.