How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

[Oganesson118]

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

Still all sounds very strange. Why are you so isolated from them? Was there any discussion about this trip?

But why don't you do something special with your daughter? Go somewhere lovely for the day. Have a posh afternoon tea somewhere?
Do something you both enjoy doing

Don't let her think you don't matter

That is not very nice when OP is clearly upset.

You have my sympathy. Why not go away on your own for a spa day or something?

Is there a reason it had to be in that timeframe though?

Why not just book a nice restaurant and go out for a nice meal on your birthday? Or arrange a night out with a couple of your girlfriends? I'm sure you can find a way to celebrate if you want to.

If the issue is your partner's lack of effort/interest - tell him! Tell him you're hurt and disappointed and would like him to make an effort to make your birthday special. Don't sulk and say you don't want to celebrate your birthday at all when it's not true.

If he is not celebrating you the way you want to be celebrated then you have a husband problem

I would book a spa wknd or trip for myself. Maybe invite a good friend. I’d also mention how pleased you are with the effort DH put into your birthday and that it will be remembered. I’d then do fuck for any occasion he has coming up. Like father’s day or his birthday, let him feel what’s it like to be forgotten and unappreciated. I’d also be as cold as the arctic with him until he gets the message that this is unacceptable. .

I feel for you, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

My DH is autistic and can’t bear special days, holidays, celebrations of any type (even / especially his own birthday, so it’s not just that he’s being a twat and trying to ruin it for other people).

It’s a bit joyless and miserable, but after many years of upsetting non-celebrations, I now accept that it won’t work if I directly ask him to organise or be involved in anything, and it also won’t work if I plan something that includes him and expect him to be able to passively participate without having a massive meltdown, or sitting silently in a corner looking like he wants to murder everyone.

If I want to celebrate a birthday, I plan something for myself, with my own friends, or on my own. I’ve come to really look forward to these little mini celebrations - it feels like a tiny piece of my own life where joy / spontaneity is possible, where I can matter in my own right, where my happiness doesn’t cause anyone else discomfort or sensory distress or whatever, and I can make choices that don’t have to accommodate my other family members’ quite extensive needs for total uneventfulness and sameness.

Your situation is different. But it can still be possible to organise something that is a celebration of yourself and honours your desires and the things that give you joy. It can feel really special and meaningful to create these experiences for yourself, outside of the context of your relationship and your family.

Happy Birthday. ❤️

I'd just take your H out of the equation and do something either with your child, with your side of the family or with a friend. Just because your H is miserable doesn't mean you have to be too. Show your child that you are worth celebrating too, otherwise they might grow up and act like their dad.

Well I spoke to him. Apparently I need to stop looking at social media and trying to keep up with the Joneses. Now he’s gone off in a sulk saying “sorry clearly I botched it” but in a way that makes me feel I’m the one in the wrong.

Your DH is a pain are you sure he hasn’t organised a surprise for you?

I think you need to have a good think about what you want and make it happen either book a spa day, boozy brunch, country walk with nice lunch out, days craft class, sky diving, hot air balloon ride, meal out, boat ride, an experience you fancy or get DH to organise and invite some friends round for cake and canapes or a bbq or similar.

I am in a similar boat.

We have lots going on and DH’s family have taken over lots of our time near my birthday that with one thing and another my options are now extremely limited.

I am doing a couple of low key things this year pre and post birthday. But next week I am going to sound out adult DS out and then organise one or two of the above otherwise I will be dreadful be around on the day of my actual birthday.

You deserve it OP on my last birthday with a zero I was like you.

DH panicked and organised something half baked I imagine last minute which was dreadful and I didn’t want just to do something I regretted but then I didn’t vocalise what I wanted (although I wasn’t sure quite what I wanted) but so I didn’t end up with what I got.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole do something you will enjoy I with your DS or friends or think do you actually want to spend your next zero birthday with this baby tantrum toddler excuse for a man.

Social media and keeping up with the Joneses

My goodness

I have done something for every birthday I have had ending with a 0 and that was long before Social Media !

Has your husband had a birthday ending in a 0 since you have been together ?
what happened then ?
and if so who organised it ?

Yes. We went to Center Parcs as our daughter was quite little still. I organised and paid for it.

You’re not the one in the wrong!

Its completely normal for spouses to organise something for their wife’s/husband’s birthday, especially as it’s a significant one, AND he’s just had a fortnight’s holiday, leaving you at home with your child and not even inviting you 🙄

Agree with him, tell him he HAS dropped the ball. If anyone asks what you’re doing to celebrate, say you’ve asked DH to organise a weekend away and you’re looking forward to it, but you don’t know where you’re going yet because he hasn’t told you, preferably in front of him.

If he doesn’t arrange anything and people ask you where you went, say you don’t go anywhere because your DH didn’t arrange anything, which was upsetting because you thought he loved you.

We have to stop hiding men’s lack of care, consideration, planning and effort. Instead, highlight it, say “he’s a crap husband on the birthday front, if I’d known how bad he was I may never have married him.” Let him and everyone else know how unacceptable his behaviour is and if he doesn’t want to be thought badly of, he may improve his behaviour, or he may not even care enough to do that.

Either way he sounds like a bit of a dick, so make sure you have financial independence and leave your future options open.

Awe that's crap. Can you book a spa day or weekend just for you. If money isn't an issue book a weekend away. Even the weekend before. But yourself some nice flowers, a new outfit. Go to a posh coffee shop and get a lovely coffee and cake. Happy birthday to you. If your hubbie is half decent tell him you want him to make a fuss, cake candles presents.... even if it is just the 2 of you.

That is a really crappy cop out. Birthdays have been around and have been celebrated long before SM was a thing. It's a thing we do out of love, but he doesn't seem to be familiar with that concept. He sounds utterly shit.

I know you asked for tips for how to feel OK with not being celebrated, but I won't give you that because you need to be celebrated, but he shouldn't be a part of it.

What would you like to do and with who in an ideal world?

He's being a colossal dickhead. He can get off his arse and book something nice for you all - which is still possible, it's just harder work to find something than if he'd sorted it earlier. But that's his problem for being slack.

There's nothing Keeping Up With The Joneses about wanting a birthday to be celebrated. Social media is irrelevant.

Do you feel you're in the wrong? Deep down, do you believe that?

Take that little voice inside telling you who's right here (needless to say it's you) and make it LOUD!

Perhaps don't express that to him though, he won't care. Use it to have a good think about what you want for your future. Do you have reliable friends you could talk to?

But if you wanted to do something for yourself why let him determine that?

tell him what/when you want something and make him book it.

if he can’t be bothered with your birthday it doesn’t mean you don’t do anything? Book yourself a day out? Go for a massage, visit with a friend, do an outing.

you don’t only exist in his presence

Decide what you want to do, who you want to do it with and get it booked. If you want to go away BH weekend there's still loads of options. I just booked last week. Do you love centre parks? Do that if you do. Or if it's too pricey I have a couple of recommendations for similar.

Don't let the end of this story be you doing nothing.

Do something lovely with some friends or on your own
He sounds very inconsiderate

@Oganesson118 why did your husband go on holiday with his family and not with you??? is there a backstory here?? he surely knew you had a big birthday coming up!! you go and book a holiday with your friends and he can get lost!

He's a dickhead. Spa weekend with friends? Could book it for the future if they're not free last minute.

You have far far bigger problems than a lack of celebration for a big birthday.

You seem to not even be surprised or upset that he went on a 2 week holiday with his mum and sister.

He sounds uncaring and not bothered about you in general.