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Original poster

Are my friendship expectations too high?

181 replies

CrazyCatLady1993 · 14/05/2025 05:27

I’d like to see some of my friends maybe once a week. Or even once every two weeks. This doesn’t happen because most of my friends take weeks to reply and things only get organised if I reach out first.

I have lots of friends of many years, I know they care about me and it’s lovely when I do see them but I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t see their friends regularly. It makes me feel like rubbish and extremely lonely.

I'm in my early thirties, I have three kids and even then i still make an effort with my friends, I just feel like it’s not reciprocated in terms of making an actual effort.

I won’t say actual names here just in case lol

I’ve got one friend called Hannah who I’ve been friends with since we were teenagers and when we see each other it’s just lovely, her husband & mine love each other aswell but a lot of the time she won’t even open my messages for at least 6-7 weeks at a time! last time I saw her was in January because she keeps cancelling, for various reasons which I am totally understanding of, just feels like I’m constantly chasing her and it’s starting to feel like a lot of effort.

Another friend called Amy she’s the same. Absolutely adore her, I know she feels the same way about me. Our kids love each other & so do our husbands. Again, I reach out first a lot and a lot of the time she’s apologetic because she doesn’t respond to my messages. Last saw her 3 months ago and she only lives 15 mins down the road.

Another friend called Jane, she is terrible with getting back to me with messages or won’t reach out first. She has a really demanding job but no kids. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers and again, it’s so lovey when we see each other. Her husband and mine are close too. I saw her last weekend after not seeing each other for about 6 months because she wasn’t opening my messages. I ended up asking if I had done something wrong, which she said no and she felt really bad after as she’s been really busy with work and a house renovation

A friend called Claire, she lives down my road - this is pretty even in terms of effort but she’s quite flaky sometimes which can be a bit annoying but I let it slide because she does actually make the effort to meet up and we get on really well.

I also have a lovely group of school mum friends who I see for coffee every 2-3 weeks as it’s hard to pin everyone down at the same time because of work after the school drop off. That I am happy with .

And then 2x other friends who I hear from more and see more. They don’t have kids but have very demanding jobs but I seem to hear from them more, I see them every 5-6 weeks.

im not sure if my expectations are wrong but id really like to see some of my friends more but i feel like it’s mainly me who puts in the effort.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 14/05/2025 05:31

I don't see any of my friends anywhere near as much as you do. Once we reach our middle age (no idea how old you and your friends are) work, partners, children, family take precedence in a lot of people's lives above socialising. It's just not like when we were in our 20s.

CaptainFuture · 14/05/2025 05:33

What do you want to do when you see them?

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 14/05/2025 05:48

I'd simply just stop putting in all the effort with those who don't reciprocate. Maybe take the hint? No drama. Just fade away from their lives.

One friend doesn't even open your messages? Stop chasing and trying so hard. It's not mutual whatever they say about loving you. It's actions not words that matter.

I'd also find lots of stuff to do on my own so I am busy, engaged and enjoying life.

pilates · 14/05/2025 05:51

Yes they are. People are tired and busy and perhaps they find your wants are too demanding.

Cynicalaboutall · 14/05/2025 05:53

I walk once a week with one of my friends, see another for an hour on Friday for an end of week drink, do Pilates with another couple.
All effortless, routine stuff. Organising proper social activities with these people takes effort though as everyone is so busy.

Sandysandyfeet · 14/05/2025 05:54

i hope these aren’t really their names! But yes, your expectations are too high.

Scarydinosaurs · 14/05/2025 05:59

Join a club that has regular social meet ups. That sounds more like what you’re after.

SparklyGlitterballs · 14/05/2025 06:03

How often are you messaging these friends? Maybe they're finding it too much and not opening or responding to your messages is their way of putting the brakes on a bit. As someone else has said, families, kids, husbands, homes are a priority as you get older and have less time available. Or else they just could be knackered and not have the bandwidth to message or go out often.

User2446433 · 14/05/2025 06:05

Hi op look on YouTube for the Mel Robbins let them theory it may help you. Friendships come and go I've realised it's best not to have high expectations from long term friendships in terms of regularity of meeting etc. Just enjoy the times you have with them when you have them. Although i second the other poster's point about stepping back slightly and letting others chase you for a bit! We value more what we make an effort for.

JockyWilsonsaid · 14/05/2025 06:06

I never understand how very sociable people do it. I work full time. I get home about 6 ish, cook dinner, clear up, put a wash on, run hoover round etc - by the time I sit down it's 8, sometimes I have work to do, other times it's an hour of TV then bed. On a weekend, it's house stuff, work (I'm a teacher), my dad, my kid and then friends. If I can't fit you in for 6 weeks, it's not because I'm a shit friend it's because I have a lot to juggle and although seeing my friends may be the nice thing, it's not the priority. I found it both easier (twice the person power) and harder (more family stuff) when I was married..

Whattodo121 · 14/05/2025 06:13

My loveliest and oldest friends I see twice a year. I haven’t messaged my ‘best friend’ for a month. I think of her often and if there was a crisis we would be there for the other in a heartbeat. But we both work full time in massively busy and stressful jobs, have kids and families and are at a stage of our lives where we can’t do regular meet ups at the moment.

verycloakanddaggers · 14/05/2025 06:21

It sounds like you want to socialise a lot, but lots of people are tired or busy e.g. really busy with work and a house renovation

It sounds like you're asking quite a lot IMO, maybe give them a bit of space to come to you.

Organised activities or clubs are good then you get your social interaction without needing to arrange things.

Feetinthegrass · 14/05/2025 06:22

What you are expecting/hoping for - that great connection with your closest friends is simply not available at this stage of life for them. You don’t match.

Their lives are too demanding, and once every few months is enough for them.

I would look for ways to connect with women through women’s circles and in other ways such as meditation and retreats, make new friends that can meet your needs. You are craving a close connection, but they are just trying to get through the week.

Be happy with the meet ups when they happen, develop new friends that meet you needs more regularly. Friendships change, and your old friends are not meeting your needs at all, so it is time to pull back and use your energy for new things.

Let them show they value the friendship too, they can initiate and you work on what you can do regularly for connection.

Renabrook · 14/05/2025 06:22

Well if you are the only one out of all these people wouldn't that say something to you about you needing more than they can give you?

Personally this all sounds too much I couldn't sustain this but when it is mutual fine it just doesn't seem it in your situation

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 14/05/2025 06:23

JockyWilsonsaid · 14/05/2025 06:06

I never understand how very sociable people do it. I work full time. I get home about 6 ish, cook dinner, clear up, put a wash on, run hoover round etc - by the time I sit down it's 8, sometimes I have work to do, other times it's an hour of TV then bed. On a weekend, it's house stuff, work (I'm a teacher), my dad, my kid and then friends. If I can't fit you in for 6 weeks, it's not because I'm a shit friend it's because I have a lot to juggle and although seeing my friends may be the nice thing, it's not the priority. I found it both easier (twice the person power) and harder (more family stuff) when I was married..

Same. I'm not massively sociable anyway, like my own company and being at home, but by the time I've finished everything that has to be done in a day, I haven't got a lot left to give. Some days I might not even pick up my phone to see if there's messages til around 9pm (others I have chance on a lunch break but usually there's something to be done then). More often than not any "free" time I have is now, once dog is fed and before child is up (give it ten minutes and she'll be up!).

I have odd things organised with friends throughout the year but regular catch ups there just isn't time. We're also renovating at the moment so weekends are just filled with that.

@CrazyCatLady1993 I don't think it's that they don't want to put the effort in. It's just that they don't always have it to give. If you want more regular interaction maybe see if one wants to go power walking or to a gym class or something? Otherwise, maybe just set up semi regular "girl days/nights" across the year? People might be more inclined to make time for "events" rather than just coffee?

PurpleChrayn · 14/05/2025 06:25

Hannah, Amy, Jane, Claire, plus the mum friends and the two others - when would you physically find the time to see all of these people with the regularity you’re wanting? There aren’t enough hours in the week, especially with three children.

Hercisback1 · 14/05/2025 06:25

Seeing friends once a week is intense when you work and have kids.

Give them a break and dial down the intensity. Try to enjoy the times you do see them.

Upsetbetty · 14/05/2025 06:29

do you work @CrazyCatLady1993? If so what kind of hours do you work?

babasaclover · 14/05/2025 06:29

I think expecting to see someone once a week is far too much. I have lots of different friend groups and see each of them once a month I reckon.

even my best friend who doesn’t work or have children so is relatively time rich only see twice a month.

that said it is very odd for people not to even open the message - that says to me they’re not interested. Even if they are avoiding opening it cause they don’t rant to arrange a meet up it’s damn rude. What if you were having an emergency?!? Those people don’t care about you.

I second classes as a way to meet people, like minded people if you pick the right class

WhatNoRaisins · 14/05/2025 06:29

I think that this is normal but the norm is crap and leaves people feeling isolated.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 14/05/2025 06:31

It does sound as if your friends are particularly bad at replying to you and I wouldn’t appreciate it taking weeks for a response from my friends, however, the frequency with which you expect to see people is unreasonable. I therefore wonder if you chasing them to make arrangements all the time has left them feeling the easiest way to manage that is just to wait a while to reply to you.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 14/05/2025 06:34

Im assuming you'd like to see 1or 2 of the following people weekly ( Hannah, Amy, Jane, Claire, plus the mum friends and the two others ) vs seeing each of them 1 -2 x per week? Because the latter is almost impossible with no kids let alone 3!

IMO...
Your friends are particularly poor at responding / engaging AND your expectations are a bit high / very much o the high side.
I think this big delta is what is causing the dissatisfaction.

You need to get things booked well in advance with flaky friends at agree next day out during that meet up so you leave with next date locked in

Simultaneously, lower your expectations

Princessfluffy · 14/05/2025 06:39

I think this is about life stage. Try making some friends who have grown up kids or no kids, you need to find people who are both able and willing to prioritise friendship in their lives.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/05/2025 06:40

From what you've said OP I'd be inclined to dial back on Hannah, Amy and Jane as those relationships seem to be the most one sided.

Sherararara · 14/05/2025 06:40

Honestly you come across as very full on and quite needy. I was tired just reading all that! If they are avoiding responding to you then maybe you need to consider that you might be the problem.