Are my friendship expectations too high?

[CrazyCatLady1993]

I’d like to see some of my friends maybe once a week. Or even once every two weeks. This doesn’t happen because most of my friends take weeks to reply and things only get organised if I reach out first.

I have lots of friends of many years, I know they care about me and it’s lovely when I do see them but I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t see their friends regularly. It makes me feel like rubbish and extremely lonely.

I'm in my early thirties, I have three kids and even then i still make an effort with my friends, I just feel like it’s not reciprocated in terms of making an actual effort.

I won’t say actual names here just in case lol

I’ve got one friend called Hannah who I’ve been friends with since we were teenagers and when we see each other it’s just lovely, her husband & mine love each other aswell but a lot of the time she won’t even open my messages for at least 6-7 weeks at a time! last time I saw her was in January because she keeps cancelling, for various reasons which I am totally understanding of, just feels like I’m constantly chasing her and it’s starting to feel like a lot of effort.

Another friend called Amy she’s the same. Absolutely adore her, I know she feels the same way about me. Our kids love each other & so do our husbands. Again, I reach out first a lot and a lot of the time she’s apologetic because she doesn’t respond to my messages. Last saw her 3 months ago and she only lives 15 mins down the road.

Another friend called Jane, she is terrible with getting back to me with messages or won’t reach out first. She has a really demanding job but no kids. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers and again, it’s so lovey when we see each other. Her husband and mine are close too. I saw her last weekend after not seeing each other for about 6 months because she wasn’t opening my messages. I ended up asking if I had done something wrong, which she said no and she felt really bad after as she’s been really busy with work and a house renovation

A friend called Claire, she lives down my road - this is pretty even in terms of effort but she’s quite flaky sometimes which can be a bit annoying but I let it slide because she does actually make the effort to meet up and we get on really well.

I also have a lovely group of school mum friends who I see for coffee every 2-3 weeks as it’s hard to pin everyone down at the same time because of work after the school drop off. That I am happy with .

And then 2x other friends who I hear from more and see more. They don’t have kids but have very demanding jobs but I seem to hear from them more, I see them every 5-6 weeks.

im not sure if my expectations are wrong but id really like to see some of my friends more but i feel like it’s mainly me who puts in the effort.

I don’t come across as needy when we meet 😂 In fact, every single time we do meet they all say “oh this was lovely. We should do it more often!” I then follow up to meet up, and get met with silence. So you are wrong there I’m afraid 🙃

Sorry, I dont want to be mean ,but you sound very needy. You could be pushing them away, if they want to see often as you'd like they would respond or contact you first.

They’re being polite then.

My two best friends, one I see once or twice a year. The other, I haven't seen for 3 years, although we message weekly. Another good friend, 2 or 3 times a year.

I think I'm fairly average for this. Am I right?

every single time we do meet they all say “oh this was lovely. We should do it more often!” The truth is that most people say nice, polite things whether they are being sincere or not.

I don't think it's necessarily a reflection on you, but this I then follow up to meet up, and get met with silence shows clearly they are not keen to meet up.

As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

You're the one chasing and it might be more productive to accept they're not as keen, and put your energy elsewhere.

Of course you’re not! I see my friends most weeks even if it’s just for a coffee or to walk the dogs for an hour. I love my husband, my family and my job but I don’t want to have a life that revolves solely around those things.

It’s weird that isolating people from their friends is considered abusive and controlling, yet so many people do it to themselves voluntarily!

Wrong. Why would they say they wanted to meet again if I haven’t brought it up, just to be polite? They are grown adults, nobody is forcing them to meet me😂 You don’t know me or my friends. I put up a post asking how often people see their friends not for people to be rude when they don’t know me. You sound a lovely person btw

You sounds lovely, OP! I'm single and childless so it's a bit different, but even my friends who are married with kids are much better at replying to messages and meeting up than yours are. I guess I do focus on friendships with people who also take friendship seriously, though I realise that having tiny children is exhausting and you should cut those friends a lot of slack.

Really though you just need some new, more sociable friends.

I see my best friend at least twice a week. I think having friends you only see once a year it don’t see for three years in a row is fairly unusual unless it’s down to distance.

If someone kept messaging me, I would also put the brakes on if I knew the end game was scheduling a meet-up. My diary is packed between parenting, socialising and regular life commitments. I think you might be asking too much and agree that you should join a club to satisfy your regular socialising need. I see my friends perhaps every 3 months on rotation, and often more like every 6-12 months. It doesn't mean we are not good friends, just life is busy!

I think it's hard to have a hard and fast rule about how frequently you meet up because people live different distances apart. That being said if a friend was say walking distance and only made time for me once a year I'd probably give up on that friendship.

what am I doing to push them away? Text them and wait for a response? I don’t understand why that’s needy😂 I don’t sit there texting them asking to meet every week! That’s sad and weird.

Thank you for this lovely & kind response

I don’t keep messaging them!🤦🏼‍♀️ I text once and wait for a response. Why is that needy?

In that case I’d definitely reconsider what friendships I invest energy in to if I was you. It’s one thing to not be able to find time to meet up regularly but to not be available at all via text for weeks at a time doesn’t lend itself to close relationships.

But how often people see their friends is irrelevant as everyone’s circumstances are different.

Posters here are making suggestions as to potentially why your effort isn’t reciprocated and you’re rejecting them all. But the fact is your effort isn’t reciprocated. So either, they don’t feel the need to meet/respond as often as you do and you’ll either have to accept that or find additional friends who want to meet more often, or they like you and value you but can only take you in small doses. I’d do a bit of self reflection in your shoes

It’s not needy - people aren’t reading your posts or are twisting things and making assumptions. Ignore them.

I don't mean you barrage them, just if someone was sending me a message where the end game was to arrange a meet-up, I might hold off replying. You said yourself, they don't reply for weeks. I'm trying to explain why this could be.

This hits the nail on the head!

OP I think what you're missing is a community. I've spent all my life feeling a low-level loneliness, even though I've never been friendless, and it took me decades to work out that what I'm missing is a community - people (not necessarily close friends) you see very regularly (once a week or more) without having to organise the meeting because it's always on the same day of the week, and with whom you share an interest or have a goal in common. Organising a social life is tiring - you need to plan an activity, find a date that suits both, and then hope the other party doesn't cancel. It's not surprising most people don't get to see their friends often!

OP - I don’t think you are needy. Just mismatched needs.

However - if I’m honest, anyone that doesn’t open your message/ reply in 6 WEEKS is not a close friend.

Do you think they are subtlety pulling a way from the friendship?

Relationship longevity can sometimes can be mistaken for closeness.

Also people regularly say “Can’t wait to do this again!” And don’t mean it at all!

There's nothing rude about my post. You're being extremely defensive in all of your responses and you're not taking any accountability at all.

I'm only able to meet up with friends every few months, if I knew a friend wanted a weekly meet I would be avoiding their messages too knowing a wanting to meet up question was coming..

Maybe a bit of self reflection for you too hun. Instead of being rude and nasty when someone is asking for some advice, how about be a bit kinder! It’s clear to see i am struggling with this? Hence why I've posted this and the title is “ARE MY EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH?” Which clearly indicates that I have been doing some self reflection. I’m not shooting down every response, I’m replying to the RUDE ones. There are lots of people posting on here pretty much what you have said to me but it’s been taken on board from myself because the response is kind, and not rude.
imagine telling someone to do some self reflection when you comment the things you do🤦🏼‍♀️

Thank you for this response. Very kind and I also understand both sides. Thank you for explaining instead of jumping down my throat

Accountability??? What have I done that requires accountability please? And my title to this post is “ARE MY EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH?” Clearly I can take accountability but I don’t really see what there is to take accountability. Seeing as you clearly think I need to take accountability for something, please tell me what this is???