Are my friendship expectations too high?

[CrazyCatLady1993]

I’d like to see some of my friends maybe once a week. Or even once every two weeks. This doesn’t happen because most of my friends take weeks to reply and things only get organised if I reach out first.

I have lots of friends of many years, I know they care about me and it’s lovely when I do see them but I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t see their friends regularly. It makes me feel like rubbish and extremely lonely.

I'm in my early thirties, I have three kids and even then i still make an effort with my friends, I just feel like it’s not reciprocated in terms of making an actual effort.

I won’t say actual names here just in case lol

I’ve got one friend called Hannah who I’ve been friends with since we were teenagers and when we see each other it’s just lovely, her husband & mine love each other aswell but a lot of the time she won’t even open my messages for at least 6-7 weeks at a time! last time I saw her was in January because she keeps cancelling, for various reasons which I am totally understanding of, just feels like I’m constantly chasing her and it’s starting to feel like a lot of effort.

Another friend called Amy she’s the same. Absolutely adore her, I know she feels the same way about me. Our kids love each other & so do our husbands. Again, I reach out first a lot and a lot of the time she’s apologetic because she doesn’t respond to my messages. Last saw her 3 months ago and she only lives 15 mins down the road.

Another friend called Jane, she is terrible with getting back to me with messages or won’t reach out first. She has a really demanding job but no kids. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers and again, it’s so lovey when we see each other. Her husband and mine are close too. I saw her last weekend after not seeing each other for about 6 months because she wasn’t opening my messages. I ended up asking if I had done something wrong, which she said no and she felt really bad after as she’s been really busy with work and a house renovation

A friend called Claire, she lives down my road - this is pretty even in terms of effort but she’s quite flaky sometimes which can be a bit annoying but I let it slide because she does actually make the effort to meet up and we get on really well.

I also have a lovely group of school mum friends who I see for coffee every 2-3 weeks as it’s hard to pin everyone down at the same time because of work after the school drop off. That I am happy with .

And then 2x other friends who I hear from more and see more. They don’t have kids but have very demanding jobs but I seem to hear from them more, I see them every 5-6 weeks.

im not sure if my expectations are wrong but id really like to see some of my friends more but i feel like it’s mainly me who puts in the effort.

Yeah I am seeing it seems more normal for people to be like this with lots of people. I just find it sad really

To give you another perspective, I’m fairly introverted so it takes energy away to socialise and I find it hard making small talk (to the point where I even worry about this with my own family 🤣)

With a FT job, partner and kids, there is very little left to go around and when I do get some time, I want to spend it alone to recharge. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my (small circle) of friends. Maintaining friendships is one of the things I have found hardest in adulthood.

I don’t chase them to meet up all the time 🙃 I message, they don’t open it or reply for ages so I leave them to it. I don’t like to chase too much because I actually find it a bit embarrassing. So I leave it until they are ready and then that means we go ages unless I chase because I don’t hear back.

Haha yeah not all of them every week in one week😂 Nobody has time for that lol. I just mean one person once a week, maybe another friend a week after etc

Thank you for advice x

In what way? I message once, and one of them doesn’t open it for weeks sometimes over a month and I don’t message again. I wait for a response because I don’t like pestering. How is that needy to message your friend and wait 6-7 weeks for a response?

This is a good point but I haven’t guilt tripped anyone? 🙃

Some of them I don’t see monthly though because they don’t open the messages. I don’t mean meeting up with all of them every week, I just mean one person once a month, so then I’ve seen some friends regularly and haven’t gone ages without seeing them. Maybe it’s my working in my OP, I don’t expect all of them to see me every week; I couldn’t manage that myself lol

I’m eternally glad that nobody I know shares that utterly depressing point of view.

Being middle-aged doesn’t mean that all your free time goes on work, your partner and your kids - talk about shrinking your world! I love nothing better than meeting up with a friend for brunch on the weekend, or going to the beach with our dogs, or out to the theatre or to an event.

I just can’t imagine restricting myself to a life of work, partner and kids - apart from anything else, what do you do when your kids are grown? Or if your partner leaves or you end up widowed? Maintaining your friendships is so important and something so many people seem to just ignore or give up on.

It’s not surprising we have so many older people struggling with loneliness, or recently retired people sat at home with nothing to do.

Thank you. This was a very kind response and also explained it from other perspectives. I am quite social but perhaps those friends are mine aren’t the same as me, I think I’ll lower the expectations 🙂

It’s implicit, a bit, in your language. You say twice in your OP that you’re the only one ‘making an effort’, and you also say you think it should be reciprocated. Whereas, as I see it, you’re the one making an effort because at the moment, you have a far greater need to see your friends than your friends have to see you. Everyone involved in prioritising what they want. Could be the others are seeing other friends, are overwhelmed and have withdrawn from socialising for a while, or just have less need to see people etc etc.

I message once, it doesn’t get opened for 6+ weeks. I leave it because I don’t want to chase and look like I’m too needy. So, what is it that I am doing that you feel is too much?

Im not bored hun. I have three kids, a husband and run a busy business, so I’m definitely not bored😂 I’d just like to see some of my friends more that’s all!

I don’t text again though 😂 If they haven’t opened it or reply, I don’t text again!

Excuse me, don’t be so f*cking rude! I’ve asked for POLITE responses so I can see what I am doing wrong here and you’ve been exceptionally rude. Was your intention to upset me? Because if so, it worked!

For the record, I don’t hound them. I text ONCE and some of them don’t open or respond until 6 weeks later. I don’t follow up because I don’t like to pester people.

What a nasty response.

Yes, I run a business

Yes, that’s how they feel. You don’t know them; only what I’ve said so don’t make assumptions.

I think they are but then other people might have friends they see very often. You just have different needs to your friends. I had a friend who would comment that I’d been online on what’s app but not opened their message, and that caused me to disable that function ever since.

I thought this too

THANK YOU. I really don’t see what is wrong with me wanting my friend to reply to a message? I don’t hound them if they don’t respond; I will leave it until they do. But it means we go ages without seeing each other

Whilst you don’t chase them, you aren’t satisfied with the level of contact/meeting up so it’s very possible that when you actually meet up, you come across as needy

I love this explanation from another perspective and it’s very KIND too. So thank you 🙏🏻

This is my view too! I have noticed some lovely kind responses on here from another perspective but also some very defensive and rude ones - I’m assuming the rude & defensive ones are just very different to us. I love my husband & love being a mum but that’s not ALL of my life, I am a person too outside of that. Glad I’m not the only one x

I haven’t said that to any friends so it’s not guilt tripping anyone. It’s true, I am the person (most of the time) who makes most of the effort. It’s a fact, not guilt tripping

Oh Christ that’s too much, I understand why you’d do that. I’m not that intense 😂

Sometimes you just don't have headspace for the admin of sorting your life out. It's so much easier when you work part time and have kids (I've done both). The long replies sounds like that's what's causing it.

Get a regular thing in where no one has to think and you'll see them. Then you can do the occasional other meet up, booked in advance. I do a couple of classes with friends where it's the same time every week or every other week and there are a few of us so if someone can't make it it doesn't matter. Thinking of starting a monthly get together as well because, again, admin is way down if it's the same time each month.

Make it easy.

Some people are naturally quieter than others, some people have more going on which leaves little time for socialising.

There isn't only one way to live a life, it's good that you enjoy yours but you're being unnecessarily rude and judgemental about other people.