Are my friendship expectations too high?

[CrazyCatLady1993]

I’d like to see some of my friends maybe once a week. Or even once every two weeks. This doesn’t happen because most of my friends take weeks to reply and things only get organised if I reach out first.

I have lots of friends of many years, I know they care about me and it’s lovely when I do see them but I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t see their friends regularly. It makes me feel like rubbish and extremely lonely.

I'm in my early thirties, I have three kids and even then i still make an effort with my friends, I just feel like it’s not reciprocated in terms of making an actual effort.

I won’t say actual names here just in case lol

I’ve got one friend called Hannah who I’ve been friends with since we were teenagers and when we see each other it’s just lovely, her husband & mine love each other aswell but a lot of the time she won’t even open my messages for at least 6-7 weeks at a time! last time I saw her was in January because she keeps cancelling, for various reasons which I am totally understanding of, just feels like I’m constantly chasing her and it’s starting to feel like a lot of effort.

Another friend called Amy she’s the same. Absolutely adore her, I know she feels the same way about me. Our kids love each other & so do our husbands. Again, I reach out first a lot and a lot of the time she’s apologetic because she doesn’t respond to my messages. Last saw her 3 months ago and she only lives 15 mins down the road.

Another friend called Jane, she is terrible with getting back to me with messages or won’t reach out first. She has a really demanding job but no kids. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers and again, it’s so lovey when we see each other. Her husband and mine are close too. I saw her last weekend after not seeing each other for about 6 months because she wasn’t opening my messages. I ended up asking if I had done something wrong, which she said no and she felt really bad after as she’s been really busy with work and a house renovation

A friend called Claire, she lives down my road - this is pretty even in terms of effort but she’s quite flaky sometimes which can be a bit annoying but I let it slide because she does actually make the effort to meet up and we get on really well.

I also have a lovely group of school mum friends who I see for coffee every 2-3 weeks as it’s hard to pin everyone down at the same time because of work after the school drop off. That I am happy with .

And then 2x other friends who I hear from more and see more. They don’t have kids but have very demanding jobs but I seem to hear from them more, I see them every 5-6 weeks.

im not sure if my expectations are wrong but id really like to see some of my friends more but i feel like it’s mainly me who puts in the effort.

There's a massive difference between naturally quieter/busy, and deliberately choosing to push your friends to one side to focus all your energy on other things.

Maybe I am judgemental, but I've seen so many women suffer down the line because they've neglected their friendships. It's not a good way to live long-term and if you think that makes me rude, well, so be it.

But by the same token, are people who focus more energy on friendships deliberately choosing to push other things to one side?

For example I have a fairly high pressure job, a small child, a husband, a huge extended family, a high energy dog, a small group of good friends and a small group of "casual" friends I can meet for coffee etc.

I can't focus all my energy on all of those things all of the time and have enough left over to look after myself. So sometimes all my energy goes on the higher priority elements of my life and others have to be pushed down the list.

Not being able to meet a friend once a month doesn't mean I don't value them. It just means I have a limited number of hours and I have to prioritise. Sometimes they will be my priority, therefore I'm deliberately choosing them over other people. Other times they won't, which means I'm deliberately choosing to put my energy away from them.

Why is that bad?

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoosthere is nothing bad about your approach. The issues start when your friend thinks you are a close friend and may therefore be higher up in your list of priorities whereas in fact they are onky a casual friend that lets face it, you will only prioritise when you don’t have anything else pressing on your time. It’s this mismatch that causes the problem

Surely that happens to everyone though? Most people have friends who they think of differently to how the friend thinks of them.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoosyes and this could be the OPs issue? She thinks her friends think of her the same as what she thinks of them. Seems obvious fo us the reality is different but if the friends act like besties when they are together, why wouldn’t OP think they are besties?

I met my friend last night. Lovely. Says she overwhelmed with everything. The mum is 85. Then constant messages from people. Where Im annoyed is no replies and no follow ups for new date. She saw my point. Think life so busy now. We 50s. We said we try meet a bit more.