Are my friendship expectations too high?

[CrazyCatLady1993]

I’d like to see some of my friends maybe once a week. Or even once every two weeks. This doesn’t happen because most of my friends take weeks to reply and things only get organised if I reach out first.

I have lots of friends of many years, I know they care about me and it’s lovely when I do see them but I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t see their friends regularly. It makes me feel like rubbish and extremely lonely.

I'm in my early thirties, I have three kids and even then i still make an effort with my friends, I just feel like it’s not reciprocated in terms of making an actual effort.

I won’t say actual names here just in case lol

I’ve got one friend called Hannah who I’ve been friends with since we were teenagers and when we see each other it’s just lovely, her husband & mine love each other aswell but a lot of the time she won’t even open my messages for at least 6-7 weeks at a time! last time I saw her was in January because she keeps cancelling, for various reasons which I am totally understanding of, just feels like I’m constantly chasing her and it’s starting to feel like a lot of effort.

Another friend called Amy she’s the same. Absolutely adore her, I know she feels the same way about me. Our kids love each other & so do our husbands. Again, I reach out first a lot and a lot of the time she’s apologetic because she doesn’t respond to my messages. Last saw her 3 months ago and she only lives 15 mins down the road.

Another friend called Jane, she is terrible with getting back to me with messages or won’t reach out first. She has a really demanding job but no kids. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers and again, it’s so lovey when we see each other. Her husband and mine are close too. I saw her last weekend after not seeing each other for about 6 months because she wasn’t opening my messages. I ended up asking if I had done something wrong, which she said no and she felt really bad after as she’s been really busy with work and a house renovation

A friend called Claire, she lives down my road - this is pretty even in terms of effort but she’s quite flaky sometimes which can be a bit annoying but I let it slide because she does actually make the effort to meet up and we get on really well.

I also have a lovely group of school mum friends who I see for coffee every 2-3 weeks as it’s hard to pin everyone down at the same time because of work after the school drop off. That I am happy with .

And then 2x other friends who I hear from more and see more. They don’t have kids but have very demanding jobs but I seem to hear from them more, I see them every 5-6 weeks.

im not sure if my expectations are wrong but id really like to see some of my friends more but i feel like it’s mainly me who puts in the effort.

I bet they just don’t have the time, I work fulltime, like to spend time with my son doing stuff and his hobby, gym a few nights and I have a dp to fit in who I don’t live with and works shifts, I haven’t got much time to see my friends add to that housework stuff , just don’t think anyone has the time when they work especially in the week and again weekends are busy or time for me to relax, it’s just what happens when you have a house kids, gym, hobby.

Same, dh and I don't really actually get to 'socialise' with each other once a week! Same as @JockyWilsonsaid by time we're sitting down after work/dinner/kids stiff like homework/bed/ prep for next day is 8/9pm and it's a collapse on sofa and chewing gum tv!

I've found that we have all made friends amongst our respective school groups and at the moment my social life revolves around the school mum (and dad) gang more than my dear old friends who im still very close to but see much less frequently. They live close and we have the bonus of our children being happy to meet up frequently and playing together nicely so we can cook/chat/have a drink.
If certain friends aren't reading your messages for weeks (and I have friends like this too) just take a step back. You can't guilt trip someone into meeting up.

Busy family life and work will swallow up a lot of time for most in your 30s. My social life was dialled down quite a bit during the child rearing stages.
The only people I saw weekly, were the ones I did a sport with so we automatically saw each other during club nights. No organising was necessary which made it easy.

I still meet up the most regular with my ‘sport’ friends and with 2 friends I walk the dogs with, as it’s an activity that needs ‘happening’ anyway so it fits into my life easily.

Your expectations are far too high and you may be coming across as needy or demanding. The most I see my closest friends is monthly because everyone is just so busy. I would cool your jets for a bit.

@CrazyCatLady1993

do you work? I only went back full time this year after being a SAHM For years, and it has killed my social life. When I wasn’t working or just very part-time, I has plenty of head space and flexible time for meet ups, especially once my kids were in school. But now it’s a fairly relentless round of sleep / eat / work / everything else and I sometimes don’t see friends for several weeks.

Having said that, I too am very sociable and would happily see a lot of my friends a lot more often than I do. I’ve learnt to keep my expectations low and try not to take it personally when friends don’t make the effort to meet up. There’s usually an explanation.

one last thing. people are so distracted these days. there are so many ways of passing time at home now that going to meet friends actually feels like an effort.

The only time I regularly saw friends like that was when I was doing the baby group rounds and we sometimes hung out at each others houses a couple of times a week.

We were SAHM or on maternity leave so had the time.

I still see those friends regularly, but rather than being weekly it's more like every 6 weeks or two months. The kids are exam year teens now, we all work full time, have family things going on (parents getting to that age) etc so there is much less availability.

If you've got the time and headspace are there any hobbies you fancy taking up?

I couldn’t possibly see friends that much. There is usually one evening thing a week for work (I don’t go to all of these), one thing from either one of my children’s schools and/or dentist/doctor appointments. My parents are both elderly and ill and I try to see them once every three weeks. DH and I try to make sure one of us is in for the children so we have to factor in each others work and social life into our plans. One of my children is taking exams at the moment so he has to have time to off load in the evenings, run through some flash cards, get a proper dinner and get to bed at a reasonable time. We also have hobbies which take up a lot of Saturdays. That leaves Sunday for getting the washing done, sorting the house and relaxing a bit.

I think your expectations are way too high.

I have many close friends but I find that seeing them / chatting to them over the phone once a month for a good catch up is more than enough.

I do know a group of people that seem to live in each other’s pockets - weekly exercise meet ups, then pub on Friday followed by dinner at one of their houses on the Saturday and or Sunday and quite honestly the idea of this is suffocating to me. One thing I have noticed about them is that the ‘initiators’ don’t seem to have close extended family so I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

You sound really lovely op but I think you’ve probably built up a bit of a needy vibe which is making your friends feel a bit overwhelmed and thinking ‘oh shit I’m going to have to think of an excuse’ therefore not opening your messages. If I were you I’d back off for a bit and try to find some solo / family activities - the experience will empower you because you will become less bothered about needing your friends’ company to fulfil you. It’s highly likely that given time, your friends will reach out because it’s unlikely that they don’t want to be your friend, they just don’t have the capacity for intense friendships at the moment.

Not reading your messages is annoying, however people sometimes just don't have the emotional bandwidth for arranging meet ups and that can lead to them not replying.

I find it normal to see a particular friend every 3-6m. I don't really want to do more than social engagement each week, and often do less than that, so I run out of 'slots' to see people. This week I have evening drinks Thur and Fri, plus seeing a friend (with children) on Sat and feeling a bit panicked at it all. This is different from when I was younger and generally the more plans the better.

Your expectations are not unreasonable, however a lot depends on how you go about trying to arrange things and I think you may be placing demands on busy people who are maybe feeling it’s too much.

I’m much like you and need a busy social life but I do this by having book clubs, tennis coffees etc etc Real old friends are met at most once a quarter.

OP - How often do you message your friends to arrange to meet up - it may be too much and what you see as friendship they see as a constant demand in a busy life. I have a relative like this. His expectations of meeting is maybe not unreasonable but his constant messages are stifling

Could you do what another poster said and arrange to do an activity with a friend, like a walk in the evening , this helps you get the steps and social interaction in.

I’d just stop messaging for a while and fill your time with other things, you won’t get anywhere with this approach

Blimey I don’t see any friends on a weekly or even monthly basis. Apart from friends I see at exercise classes or work friends.
I agree with other posters, reduce the number of messages. Wait until they reply, don’t text again.

I could be wrong but I had a friend like you and it was to much. She struggled with her own company and I loved my own company. The more I replied straight away to her the more she would message so I use to leave it longer before replying. If she ever came round she just wouldn't leave or take a hint, I like to see friends for a couple of hours she would settle in for the day, iv now completely cut her out my life. Im not saying this is you but if it is, it's something to think about and focus on filling your life with other things.

OP do you possibly work quite part time while friends work full time?
Honestly most people I know don't really have much time for lots of socialising beyond an occasional thing.
If you work every day plus have to get the kids to swimming lessons, football, dance or whatever, then need your weekends to catch up on jobs, cleaning, see extended family like grandparents, your own siblings. Then sometimes the kids have a social thing themselves at the weekend you have to get them too. I can't understand how you think people would have time for socialising with friends once or twice a week?! Most people I know struggle with once a month.

Exactly
we tend to have a party once a year and everyone comes
what with work, day to day living , diy / / house improvement, couple time, hobbies, relaxing and yes, sleeping , there isn’t that much spare time.

Once a week/fortnight as a grown adult wanting to hang out - it’s just too much for most to fit into adult life.

quality not quantity…..

also - how often are you messaging them? If more than one of your friends is leaving your messages on read for extended periods, it’s making me wonder if this isn’t a way for them to manage too many messages??

Yep I’d find this a bit much. I only manage a night out every 2-3 months and even then I have to force myself to go when the time comes. Just too much going on with the daily grind and little disposable income. Hangover with young children isn’t worth it.

Most nights out are with new local friends through school. But I adore the WhatsApp chats with my oldest friends. We are all on the same page socially though.

I can imagine the unread messages are tough but it probably means your friend is busy and wants to dedicate proper time to reply.. then the unread message gets pushed down the list and it’s no longer in her eyeline.

I would struggle to meet your expectations and would probably hate opening and replying to messages if I know there will be expectations that I can't meet.

You sound bored and have much more time on your hands than most. You need to find like minded people via a group or shared hobby and dial back on your friendships .

I value all of my friends, but am fortunate if we meet every 6 wks with some 12 weeks with others!

I agree with the poster upthread who said join a hobby group. I took up running and met the same people twice a week for years which was fantastic but meeting friends was always trickier due to the ships in the night phenomenon of modern living.

think there's actually quite a high level of delusion in your OP. All this talk about how you love them and you know they feel the same. Except they don't, they're clearly sick of you hounding them until they eventually relent and meet up with you.

That’s a bit harsh. Op was trying to explain they were loving relationships, and there aren’t any issues. Just the imbalance of expectations/energy/lifestyles I suspect.

Do you have a job?

We're obviously very different people as I can't imagine socialising so much (or at all tbh), but it does seem that you're a bit intense and these friends who don't read or respond to you perhaps feel the same? Getting away from people is my main aim so maybe they're more introverted and just don't want to keep up with the pace? There's a lot of references to love in your post which in itself feels a bit over the top - do the husbands / partners really love each other? I mean they probably get on and have a laugh when you all meet, but the way you express it in itself is a bit intense and may not be how the other couples feel.

Your idea of friendship seems very teenage to me.
I work 40 hrs a week, have 2 teenagers and multiple pets. Add on top of that the usual life stresses and I couldn't contemplate seeing friends once a week and I consider myself to be quite sociable!
You need a hobby or a group to go to once or twice a week because it's unlikely your friends will be able to give you what you want.

People have very different definitions of the word friend. Some people will consider someone they haven't interacted with in years a friend based on history. Others define it based on what you do, do you make time for each other, is there a level of mutual support. For some people friend seems to mean person I spend time with but dislike and will bitch about them on Mumsnet. I think that's where some confusion comes from anyway.