Are my friendship expectations too high?

[CrazyCatLady1993]

I’d like to see some of my friends maybe once a week. Or even once every two weeks. This doesn’t happen because most of my friends take weeks to reply and things only get organised if I reach out first.

I have lots of friends of many years, I know they care about me and it’s lovely when I do see them but I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t see their friends regularly. It makes me feel like rubbish and extremely lonely.

I'm in my early thirties, I have three kids and even then i still make an effort with my friends, I just feel like it’s not reciprocated in terms of making an actual effort.

I won’t say actual names here just in case lol

I’ve got one friend called Hannah who I’ve been friends with since we were teenagers and when we see each other it’s just lovely, her husband & mine love each other aswell but a lot of the time she won’t even open my messages for at least 6-7 weeks at a time! last time I saw her was in January because she keeps cancelling, for various reasons which I am totally understanding of, just feels like I’m constantly chasing her and it’s starting to feel like a lot of effort.

Another friend called Amy she’s the same. Absolutely adore her, I know she feels the same way about me. Our kids love each other & so do our husbands. Again, I reach out first a lot and a lot of the time she’s apologetic because she doesn’t respond to my messages. Last saw her 3 months ago and she only lives 15 mins down the road.

Another friend called Jane, she is terrible with getting back to me with messages or won’t reach out first. She has a really demanding job but no kids. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers and again, it’s so lovey when we see each other. Her husband and mine are close too. I saw her last weekend after not seeing each other for about 6 months because she wasn’t opening my messages. I ended up asking if I had done something wrong, which she said no and she felt really bad after as she’s been really busy with work and a house renovation

A friend called Claire, she lives down my road - this is pretty even in terms of effort but she’s quite flaky sometimes which can be a bit annoying but I let it slide because she does actually make the effort to meet up and we get on really well.

I also have a lovely group of school mum friends who I see for coffee every 2-3 weeks as it’s hard to pin everyone down at the same time because of work after the school drop off. That I am happy with .

And then 2x other friends who I hear from more and see more. They don’t have kids but have very demanding jobs but I seem to hear from them more, I see them every 5-6 weeks.

im not sure if my expectations are wrong but id really like to see some of my friends more but i feel like it’s mainly me who puts in the effort.

It's part of being an adult. You may see friends a couple of weeks on the trot then not for 4-6 weeks. It's just life. I have a couple of groups of friends and I try and balance seeing all of them between work and kids. Real friends can go months without seeing each other and just pick up right where they left off.

Ooh you’d hate me! I don’t have many friends because I simply can’t be arsed to try to juggle any more than that. The two that I do have, one I speak to on messenger most days, the other maybe once a week. The former is my best friend and the last time I saw her in person? May last year! We don’t have the kind of friendship where we need to see each other and neither of us can be bothered to arrange anything. We both have very busy jobs and there are 5 children between us. Other things are higher up the priority list than socialising and we’re both happy with that.

I don’t think it’s realistic to expect to see multiple people, multiple times a week when you all have children, partners and jobs.

However I also don’t think it’s normal for people to ignore your messages for weeks on end so I would be rethinking my friendships with people like that and wondering whether they were worth the hassle.

You talk a lot about how much you love each other and how close you are but I don’t see how that can be true when they ignore you for weeks at a time and keep cancelling your plans?

@CrazyCatLady1993 You have a decent amount of friends there. If you organise things, you could see someone different every week and each friend would only be arranging something every 6-8 weeks which is absolutely doable (if they want to)

FWIW, I see my local friends every 3-4 weeks, school friend every couple of months and Uni friends a few times a year. In between that, I go out with DH and see family. This is pretty much what all my friends are like and it works well for us all.

I think that it’s cultural in that women are expected to put their husbands first n neglect their own lives. It’s so standard it’s seen as being busy. But it’s not true really as it’s a choice. It means women don’t have the strong connections they should have and solo people are isolated and not considered. This is linked to the stigma n fear of being a solo woman so women settle which thankfully is changing for the younger generation who value independence n friends over economic dependence on a man n marriage.

Yes that's how she sees them but it's pretty obvious that it's not the case. Do you ignore people you love for months on end?

They can't be much clearer, they're refusing to reply and open messages and they're flaking on meetups.

I agree people feel isolated, but that's due to all the features of modern life, and socialising can't balance that.

A good way to reduce isolation is to join in with something that is genuinely communal, like a community group, or campaign group, or activity group.

Don’t want for the whole school mam group. If you’re free just say ‘anyone free to grab a coffee after drop off?’ Or if you know who is likely free just ask them. Normalise 1 or
2 grabbing s coffee.

It might seem harsh but there’s probably some truth in it. I don’t ignore my friends for weeks on end to the point where I don’t even open their messages. I don’t even do that to people I vaguely dislike 🤣

Yes, life is busy and yes, it would be unrealistic to expect instant responses but ignoring someone for weeks is not the sign of a good friendship.

The ones who don't even open a message for 5 or 6 weeks are rude. However, I do think your expectations are too much. I simply absolutely do not have the time to be meeting friends weekly or every two weeks, nor the desire to be honest.

I see people in a much more routine fashion, and then actually do some event with someone maybe once a month. So drinks after work on a Friday - I'll just go down our local or someone will knock on my door and say to come down. Sunday lunch and a walk - I live at the entrance to the footpath so someone will knock on and ask me to come, or I'll say I'm setting off and people will join. At the weekend, my next door neighbours will do a barbeque and yell through the window for us to come out and eat. My brother might text and say can I pick his kids up and then we'll all go there for tea. I go to another country for a part of each year and it's broadly the same there, except different people and no footpath obviously. Here it's very pretty and people come to stay a lot for a bit of a holiday (and I'm happy to facilitate because I like a walking companion).

So I probably eat out three times a week, go out for drinks once or twice, go for one or two walk-and-chats a week, and I also have guests to stay once or twice a month.

A lot of my friends also know each other so they also organise things with each other and then involve me. I really dislike back and forth negotiations or planning engagements - so I opt out of discussions - my friends know to do all that with each other and then just notify me of the plans and I'll come or not depending. This is how almost all my holidays are arranged, I confess! My friends are generally people who don't mind doing the social stuff and they help me with all that because they know how bad I am at it. I very rarely engage in any text conversations unless they are about something interesting, like... well to be honest like programming. Unless people are texting me about maths, they usually get nothing!

I have a demanding job, and sometimes I will cut off everyone and work for many weeks on something, or have to go away at short notice. I have had a few friends in the past who found that difficult, but what can one do. I offer only what I can to others, and they must make their own decisions about what they need in a friendship. I think that's all we can do in life, just be ourselves and find the people who want that.

No I don’t think your expectations are too high but the responses on this thread show many people do and sadly are happy to throw friendships away just because they get married and have kids. No wonder we have a loneliness epidemic when making effort with friends is seen as an optional low priority.

I don’t expect people to reply immediately but taking 7 weeks to open a message? Come on. I’d stop bothering with anyone who repeatedly did that. I don’t buy the “there isn’t time for friends when you’ve got kids and a husband and job”. If it’s important (and friends should be) you can make time for it. Maybe cut back on the kid/family stuff to fit friends in once or twice a month.

Look, OP, the bare fact is that you want to see them and be in touch with them far more than they want to see/ be in contact with you. There’s no point complaining that you ‘make the effort’ therefore they should too — you’re doing what you want, and so are they. Unfortunately this means your wants are currently mismatched.

Nice!

I expect you've got tons of mates yourself.

This is true. It’s not the same as we were in our 20’s, maybe that’s what I need to accept!

The thing is, I’ll message and sometimes it won’t be opened for weeks. I won’t message again though, I leave it because I don’t want to pester people as I understand everyone is busy. I just don’t understand how hard it is to reply to a message? 🙃

I’ll message and if they don’t open it or respond I will just wait until they do because I don’t want to pester people when everyone is busy & tired. So it’s not like I’m constantly messaging 😂

Thank you for this, I will do

Thank you for your kind response. Maybe it’s indicating some inner work I need to do on myself n

This is good advice, thank you!

I sympathise OP because I also don’t get why it’s hard to respond to a message. But I have friends who I know find it much harder and more overwhelming - due to ADHD and grief, to name just two examples. I have come to accept that these friends don’t value me any less than when we were younger it’s just that we live further apart now, have different circumstances, deal with things differently.

I have had times when I have found responding to messages overwhelming and put it off for a few weeks (just after having a baby, stressed at work etc) and I’ve come to understand that some people feel like that most of the time

This is a good explanation from another perspective, thank you!

I don’t mean all of them in one week😂 I’m social but I even I couldn’t do that lol. I’d be knackered! I just mean someone once a week or once every two weeks. It doesn’t seem to happen with me, so I was wondering if others do this or I’m just asking for too much. I think I’m realising I am asking for too much 😂

Yes I do, I work 3x a week and one of those days I finish around 8.30pm.

I think meeting twice a month is still a lot though. I just mean maybe one friend one week, another a different week. Not the same person every week or every two weeks as that’s too much to see the same person every week lol