Are my friendship expectations too high?

[CrazyCatLady1993]

I’d like to see some of my friends maybe once a week. Or even once every two weeks. This doesn’t happen because most of my friends take weeks to reply and things only get organised if I reach out first.

I have lots of friends of many years, I know they care about me and it’s lovely when I do see them but I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t see their friends regularly. It makes me feel like rubbish and extremely lonely.

I'm in my early thirties, I have three kids and even then i still make an effort with my friends, I just feel like it’s not reciprocated in terms of making an actual effort.

I won’t say actual names here just in case lol

I’ve got one friend called Hannah who I’ve been friends with since we were teenagers and when we see each other it’s just lovely, her husband & mine love each other aswell but a lot of the time she won’t even open my messages for at least 6-7 weeks at a time! last time I saw her was in January because she keeps cancelling, for various reasons which I am totally understanding of, just feels like I’m constantly chasing her and it’s starting to feel like a lot of effort.

Another friend called Amy she’s the same. Absolutely adore her, I know she feels the same way about me. Our kids love each other & so do our husbands. Again, I reach out first a lot and a lot of the time she’s apologetic because she doesn’t respond to my messages. Last saw her 3 months ago and she only lives 15 mins down the road.

Another friend called Jane, she is terrible with getting back to me with messages or won’t reach out first. She has a really demanding job but no kids. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers and again, it’s so lovey when we see each other. Her husband and mine are close too. I saw her last weekend after not seeing each other for about 6 months because she wasn’t opening my messages. I ended up asking if I had done something wrong, which she said no and she felt really bad after as she’s been really busy with work and a house renovation

A friend called Claire, she lives down my road - this is pretty even in terms of effort but she’s quite flaky sometimes which can be a bit annoying but I let it slide because she does actually make the effort to meet up and we get on really well.

I also have a lovely group of school mum friends who I see for coffee every 2-3 weeks as it’s hard to pin everyone down at the same time because of work after the school drop off. That I am happy with .

And then 2x other friends who I hear from more and see more. They don’t have kids but have very demanding jobs but I seem to hear from them more, I see them every 5-6 weeks.

im not sure if my expectations are wrong but id really like to see some of my friends more but i feel like it’s mainly me who puts in the effort.

You didn’t read my post properly. I don’t message weekly. I message, they don’t open it or respond, I wait because I know people are busy and it takes them 6-7 weeks to reply. I’ve expressed in this post it would be nice to meet up with friends weekly, not that I ask my friends via text weekly.

Crikey, I see my closest friend about once every 6 months, if that.

Sounds like you have a far greater endowment of social energy and/or energy in general than most people, OP. Make the most of the fact you’re not as weary as the rest of us and take up a regular sport or hobby group.

Thank you for your kind wording.

I hope they aren’t pulling away but maybe they are. For whatever reason I’m not sure; but I’d like to know if they were so it could be sorted or decide to move on from the friendship 🙊

Hmm

For me I had a real penny dropping moment when I read about third places. Before that I couldn't work out why there were periods of my life where I felt socially integrated and others where I felt very isolated and this explained it. If I can't find a suitable third place environment where I feel comfortable then I'm reliant on trying to make plans in an increasingly flaky world.

Ohhh, would you mind explaining what this “third places” is? I’m intrigued by this!

If this is your style of communication then it's pretty clear why they're pulling away.

I think the issue at hand is that your friendship expectations with these friends are too high. I think it’s fair to say that the friendships have dwindled a little (on their side)… I mean taking 6/7 weeks to open a message OP… and nobody messages in the mean time with a funny story, meme, link to something interesting, a screenshot of a new pair of shoes or their new floor they got put in..?

I have friends I might not see super often (were late 20s) but we’ll send pics of new purchases, sales, interesting stuff locally. But you just don’t hear from these women at all… I’m sure they are still happy to meet up every now and then, and enjoy your company. It’s not that they dislike you but clearly they don’t want to see you any more than that, and that’s OK.

You, on the other hand, do need more social outlets and those friends can’t give it to you. It’s just a mismatch, and you need to direct your energy elsewhere instead of counting the weeks until they reply. You’re only doing yourself a disservice by waiting around for them to fill a need for you.

A local running club or exercise class might suit you? Run clubs sometimes meet 2 or 3 times a week, or you could do gym classes, Pilates etc. Book club, dancing, hobby classes etc.

I'm not sure where I first heard the term but the Wikipedia article sums it up. I'll try and link.

I don't know if they are the solution for everyone but they seem to be for me at least. I think when people tell you to join groups, volunteer or take evening classes this is what they are hoping that will achieve but I don't think they always succeed in replicating this environment.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

I probably see a friend once or twice a month at max. That's actually leave the house and socialise is once or twice a month at max.
I would love to go out more but I have work and kids and I dont have the capacity to arrange anything or think about it.
I used to be an out every night person before kids, but now I am a hermit hanging on for dear life.

Just to say op if my friends had a pattern of not even reading my messages for 7 WEEKS they wouldn’t be my friends anymore!!

Its disrespectful.

You are putting up with far too much in my humble view. I would not be comfortable with being made to feel like an inconvenience. I am always so happy to hear from my friends, so I don’t really understand why they are leaving you unread for so long.

Every time I make any form of a plan ti meet friends I curse something or someone- car breaks down, kids get sick, work need me for an extra shift (can’t turn them down as they help out if kids get sick etc) etc etc. Different if they live a few doors down from you, otherwise it’s really difficult to get time to meet up

I wouldn't say it was intense to see friends once a week. For example I can see one friend like 4 times in a week

Hi op I dont know are people just busier now. Am feeling people dont commit now. More flaky too. I gave few dates to an old neighbour. No reply. She had seemed keen. Am thinking do I need all this effort. I said it to my friend yest she said people are lax now to meet.

You didn’t answer my question though? What do I need to take accountability for? I don’t usually communicate like this unless I’m being attacked, and I feel you are attacking me. So yes, my communication right now is hostile. Adjust your attitude first and then you’ll get a nicer response from me. I posted this to see if this is anything I can learn from, plenty of people have commented similar to you but not being rude, the nice comments I am happy to take on board. But when someone is commenting rudely on my post when I am only asking for advice….of course I’m going
to respond the way I am! If someone spoke to you like crap in person, would you allow them to? Or would you stick up for yourself ?
nice bit of deflection from you there, you can’t answer my answer on my what I need to take accountability for, all you are doing is being rude to me.

Is it today's society, that makes people think it's ok to low ball your so called friends?

How do you keep friends if you don't make effort? I aren't tied at the hips to my friends but we all make effort. I understand we are all busy but if you were that bothered about them, you would make an effort to keep in regular contact.

I have ADHD and we supposed to be notorious for that but I actually want to keep my friends so I treat them how I like to be treated. I aren't on about every day, I don't want to be in contact every day but healthy relationships are equal give and take. You're happy with that? Good for you but the op isn't needy for wanting a social life. She just wants a different lifestyle to some of you.

Yeah Everyone is so busy, this could probably be a main reason. Thank you for your kind response, instead of jumping down my throat 🤗🩷

I've just googled third places, I'd never heard of the term before. That's exactly what I meant with community, very interesting!

@CrazyCatLady1993-are these friends also not meeting up with other people as they don’t have time to give / are busy etc? If not, then it comes down to priority. And for whatever reason they are taking it for granted that you will always be there whenever so don’t nwed to make an effort or you are just not a priority.

those who are busy and don’t have time can of course be selective about who gets the little spare time they have. But a lot of people I knew (past tense) were too busy for me but not for others. So I just stopped making effort and none was made to keep me in their life

Thank you! This is such good advice and I understand what you are saying completely. Points taken 🫡 x

How do you have the time to see friends so much?? In my early 20s - I could understand - but not now.

Yeah this makes sense, I suppose the friendship isn’t as important to them than it is me! Hard to accept sometimes isn’t it but that’s life I guess. I’ll just take a step back and see what happens, if they reach out then great. If they don’t, then I just need to accept it!

Yes, I definitely feel like an inconvenience and it hurts. That’s why some of the rude comments on here have upset me because they are making out like I’m the problem. Which I could be of course! I haven’t done anything wrong, just trying to keep in touch with friends and waiting for a response. If they don’t want to be my friend they should communicate like an adult but some people on here don’t seem to understand that 🙃

Before going back on maternity leave before then only working 10 hours a week. When I go back will only be doing 16 hours. Do baby/toddler groups and see them outside this. I just make time. Love taking my kids out the house. Out more than I'm in