Are my friendship expectations too high?

[CrazyCatLady1993]

I’d like to see some of my friends maybe once a week. Or even once every two weeks. This doesn’t happen because most of my friends take weeks to reply and things only get organised if I reach out first.

I have lots of friends of many years, I know they care about me and it’s lovely when I do see them but I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t see their friends regularly. It makes me feel like rubbish and extremely lonely.

I'm in my early thirties, I have three kids and even then i still make an effort with my friends, I just feel like it’s not reciprocated in terms of making an actual effort.

I won’t say actual names here just in case lol

I’ve got one friend called Hannah who I’ve been friends with since we were teenagers and when we see each other it’s just lovely, her husband & mine love each other aswell but a lot of the time she won’t even open my messages for at least 6-7 weeks at a time! last time I saw her was in January because she keeps cancelling, for various reasons which I am totally understanding of, just feels like I’m constantly chasing her and it’s starting to feel like a lot of effort.

Another friend called Amy she’s the same. Absolutely adore her, I know she feels the same way about me. Our kids love each other & so do our husbands. Again, I reach out first a lot and a lot of the time she’s apologetic because she doesn’t respond to my messages. Last saw her 3 months ago and she only lives 15 mins down the road.

Another friend called Jane, she is terrible with getting back to me with messages or won’t reach out first. She has a really demanding job but no kids. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers and again, it’s so lovey when we see each other. Her husband and mine are close too. I saw her last weekend after not seeing each other for about 6 months because she wasn’t opening my messages. I ended up asking if I had done something wrong, which she said no and she felt really bad after as she’s been really busy with work and a house renovation

A friend called Claire, she lives down my road - this is pretty even in terms of effort but she’s quite flaky sometimes which can be a bit annoying but I let it slide because she does actually make the effort to meet up and we get on really well.

I also have a lovely group of school mum friends who I see for coffee every 2-3 weeks as it’s hard to pin everyone down at the same time because of work after the school drop off. That I am happy with .

And then 2x other friends who I hear from more and see more. They don’t have kids but have very demanding jobs but I seem to hear from them more, I see them every 5-6 weeks.

im not sure if my expectations are wrong but id really like to see some of my friends more but i feel like it’s mainly me who puts in the effort.

It sounds like they don't want to meet up with you very often and feel they have to manage your expectations by careful replying/ignoring to your messages. Maybe they feel if they reply to you, they'll expectation will be that you have to book something in soon and they'll get a 'when shall we meet? Let's meet tomorrow, or the next day, or this weekend or next weekend' and it's all a bit much for them?

Yeah defo I understand this, it happens to the best of us at times doesn’t it. I guess my main gripe is the lack of contact, not opening my texts for weeks on end. It just made me wonder if it was normal or not. Seems a bit of a mixed response here

Thank you for understanding! It seems some people just can’t wrap their head around this concept. I also have ADHD and feel the exact same as you. Friends are so important and I know that I lack parts of my life but keeping in contact is something I try hard at even when I struggle to.

I can’t be the only one that thinks staying in touch with your actual friends is pretty standard.

Have you asked them why it’s taking them so long to read your message?

I am terrible at responding immediately, and prefer to send thought out replies when I have time, but I wouldn’t dream of leaving it for a week or worse weeks!

I would have stopped bothering ages ago. You are expecting something extra basic in my eyes, just a reply. Hardly difficult if you care about someone.

Do they have big networks of school friends? Or close family on the doorstep that they see very often?

I am sorry they are not better friends to you. It’s really disappointing.

I second what others have said OP, it could be that your friends are just finding it overwhelming to have to respond to your attempts to fix meet ups and they withdraw and ignore messages as it’s the only way they can think of to put the brakes on.

I have a friend for whom no amount of meet ups is ever enough and honestly I hate it. I really like her so much but she makes me feel smothered and hassled by her very unrealistic demands . I’d be so happy to see her if I was only seeing her say 4-5 times a year (I have huge amount of family commitments and ft work) but she wants to meet every week. I come up with polite excuses and generally say I’m just too busy but she won’t stop. I don’t want to lose her as a friend with a huge confrontation, I love it when we meet but her demands are just way out of whack with what I can give. Yes I avoid messages for days on end because I just run out of excuses. I still see her way more than I am really able to, to the detriment of other friendships. It’s a shame because it means I don’t enjoy seeing her in the way I would if it was just less pushy and demanding!

Hmm possibly 🤔 I do like to get things in the diary 😂 I don’t pester all the time to meet though. I don’t want to be joint at the hip with my friends just communication is important (I feel anyway). And if I’m not getting that, how can a friendship continue? Even if I have something in the week with one friend, and then the next week another friend etc. I don’t expect to meet the same people every week. But maybe those people just don’t want to book things in advice, which is fine - I guess it just means we won’t be that close anymore

I think your expectations are perfectly normal to be honest - I'd be exactly the same. Unfortunately I think even though we are more connected than ever with the use of smartphones etc, we're actually less connected because we've become more insular - and less likely to ring people, meet up etc because we believe that a quick text will suffice (when we can be bothered to do that!).

I honestly don't know why people take such a long time to reply to messages sometimes. I have some friends who are very good and then I have one friend who we can be arranging to meet up and then I don't hear from her for a couple of months and then she'll be like 'oh, yes we were arranging to meet up weren't we?'. She is incredibly flaky too - but a lovely person so I end up tolerating it!

I agree with what others are saying in that a community is what you are craving. I feel exactly the same, I also have my own business and wfh. Sometimes I think it would be nice to move to a lovely quaint village where everyone knows and looks out for each other. And I'd join the WI and get involved with village life!

But for now like others are saying, I've learned to lower my expectations. Luckily I am pretty good in my own company. I'm hoping as the kids move on to University and we become empty nesters that friendships will become a bit more involved again. I know for a lot of my age group we are wrestling with aging parents, wayward teens, menopause etc... it's a lot. And so I have tried to take that on board when I've been a bit upset over lack of communication sometimes.

So anyway I think quite a few people are being harsh on here, I don't think you're too needy personally, but I do think you maybe need to lower those expectations.

I have a really close friend from uni who can take weeks to respond. It's not a personal thing from him, he just is rarely on his phone.

He has regular meet ups with other friends, but we live 4 hours apart now so it's less easy to have regular catch ups.

If I see something that makes me think of him I'll send it to him, just cos then he knows. I don't expect a reply cos I know he's busy and often without his phone. He does the same. When we're in the same place we catch up. If we both happen to be online at the same time, we'll have a message back and forth.

Some friendships are like that and it's not a bad thing. It's just different.

*completely basic

What really stands out to me is that all your posts are very much about you. It’s all “I want to see my friends once a week,” “I am lonely if I don’t see them”, “I am satisfied with meeting school mums every two to three weeks”, “I want to see one friend a week but not several of them”. It’s all “I want, I want, I want”.

Other people are not there solely to fulfil your wishes. Just because you want something, that doesn’t mean they want it to, and why should they?

Your once a week requirement (but not several in one week) is pretty rigid and doesn’t take into account anyone else’s schedules. You want people to not only make themselves available to be part of your weekly friend pool, but also to fit round your other friends, because if four of them all happen to be free in one week, that’s not acceptable.

Your friends have other things - and other friends - in their lives. You can’t expect them to be available for you just because you happen to want them to entertain you with their company.

Sometimes it’s nothing you have done - or anything to clear up.

The dynamics may have just changed - which shows in their (disrespectful) actions. They have obviously looked at their phones in over a month!

So personally, I would just take the hint and follow their cue.

P.S I don’t meet up with friends as often as you mention - It would be too much for me.

But that doesn’t mean you should be ignored.

I suspect your messages are not being opened as the friends think you will be wanting to see them, again.
I guess they have children too ?
People are busy - work, children, families
all of this usually comes before friends

depending on the ages of children - there are often things to be done / taken to i.e. football club either after school or on a weekend
partners/husbands also have social lives or activities so if a's husband has the gym every weds eve then a can't meet with you unless a gets a babysitter ?
families - often on both sides and not just parents but siblings too.
then we move onto friends, I expect all of your friends have other friends too.

so that does tend to be rather a lot of people to try and socialise with on a
regular / frequent basis.

so, Amy - your husband gets on with her husband, and the children all get on too.
when you suggest meeting up, what are you suggesting ?

what is it you want to do when you see Amy - do you just want a coffee in a cafe on a Thursday afternoon or do you want to go out drinking for the evening like you may have done when you were both 22 ?

would inviting her and her husband for dinner 3 weeks on Sat work - would this mean Amy has to get a babysitter ?
or would inviting her, her husband and her children round to yours on a Sunday for lunch work better for Amy ?

If I didn't open a message for 7 weeks it would be because I don't want to know what the message says asks...

That sounds like a lot to me OP - but then I love to spend any spare / child free time I get alone, so am probably different to you.
However, this has made me want to look at how often I see the friends I do have, as I’ve been feeling I could do with widening my circle (particularly locally as I moved from my hometown to my husband’s 6 years ago and would say I have lots of acquaintances rather than proper girlfriends to actually do stuff with).
Best & oldest friend: we voice message each other most weeks and see each other maybe 4X a year (we live 2 hours apart)
Mum friends: see each other as and when on school run (couple times a week average) and for occasional catch ups at the gates immediately after. The odd play date / party throughout the year.
1 old friend (2 hours away - different direction to best friend): I see roughly 3X a year and we message inconsistently
2/3 other old friends (same location as above): We message most months but haven’t actually seen each other in years (always thinking we must change that!)
Other than that it’s me, dh and dd, then our wider families (mine are spread out), work, house, etc.
Together we are also friends with a local couple we see max. a few times a year.

God forbid someone wants to see their friends! You could flip this attitude though and say the friends are prioritising their own wants to not reply to OP for 7 weeks and can’t expect her to still be there waiting to resume a friendship when they can finally be bothered.

I’ll be honest, it sounds like you’ve nailed work/life/family balance (1/3 each way) and they have a different idea of what’s important/ what they want.

I’m impressed that you’ve done this while being a young mum.

I have maybe 6 girlfriends at the moment. Except that 2 I don’t have anymore since they’ve become parents. They seem to do what you describe, opening messages very occasionally etc. their partners ask me to message them as ‘they seem a bit lonely’ but when I try arrange something, it’s near impossible. And then when we meet, they act like a dog left off the leash for the first time in ages, really eager and excitable like they haven’t had adult company before.

Many people just put family/ kids/ aging parents first all the time, and have work as well. It sounds like a very intense life, people seem to be tired all the time, and have little time or money for anything else.

I have a comparatively easy, chilled life with none of those pressures, and I put my social life first. Thus, I cultivate friendships with people who are ‘a little intense’ like me, and keen on doing things. You can’t force people to change and make choices in your favour, they’ve got to see it for themselves.

Other than my girlfriends, some of whom are every week, and others once-every-6-weeks, friends I do most stuff with are single men. They’re keen, text back, always available. Easy, low maintenance friendship.

Some people after starting a family just live very much inside their little bubble, and don’t think to allocate resources (time, texts, energy, money) to anyone that’s not inside their little bubble.

My circle is small op prob 3 friends. I am disappointed though if people cant meet they never follow it up with another date. Frustrating. So then nobody sees anyone.

Are you a SAHM? Kids all school age now? That is isolating. You are alone 9-3 5 days a week and it gets boring & lonely.

Bit you will have do much more energy & headspace for friends than mums who work ft.

retired people are probably your best bet- join weekday clubs & meet people who want more regular socialising.

Lovely that you have such good friends but I agree it's a pain if you want to see them more than they are about. Try not to be offended, if you still have a great time when you see them. It sounds like you might be on the market for some new friends though! I'm childless but when my friends started having families and were about less, I made an effort to make friends who were younger/ also childless. Now a few of the friends with kids are also around a bit more because kids are older, so I'm drowning in available friends (well, not quite). As PPs have suggested clubs are good. I love football so I found some work friends/mutuals who do too and we go to watch football together once or twice a week (in person or on tv in pub) and now a few of us hang out more casually for dinner etc when we're free.

Sorry but that made me laugh! 🤣

Wanting to see your friends again? Oh no!

God forbid someone texts me AND wants to see me

I think what helps is having different levels of friends.

Coffee friends, going to the bar friends, cinema friends, friends that you might see all the time but when you see them, you enjoy it. Friends who you have deeper conversations with.

I think finding your natural rhythm with friends is a good idea. Who you see more and who you don't. For wanting to fill that social bug a bit more, maybe join some local social clubs or find new hobbies.

Hi OP. I don’t think you sound needy at all and think some people have been quite harsh. I find it depressing when people don’t prioritise friendship (and god help them if they ever split up with their partner and their kids leave home and they only have Netflix left!). Maybe they don’t care?! 😀

People are busy of course (work/kids/caring commitments) but I don’t think you’re asking a lot to want to go out once a week/fortnight in some form. I would do as others have suggested and try other activities and clubs. You might find you meet new like
-minded people who can be arsed to do stuff. I’ve had some friends come back to life after years in the young children wilderness but some have drifted because they just couldn’t be arsed to do anything and basically went a bit dull.

Some people sort of disappear into family life because of issues like illness and other pressures. Some people just can’t be bothered and would rather watch a box set than go out. I’d try and find people who want to do the same things you do and see where the relationships lead. Good luck!