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Original poster

Party - Child not invited

267 replies

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:09

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

OP posts:
ButteredRadishes · 09/05/2025 12:12

"when my daughter asks why is she not invited" - get her to ask birthday girl why ...

purpleme12 · 09/05/2025 12:12

Ooof that is bad actually

I have a neighbour who plays with my child too for hours and vice versa but she has invited her to the party

WimpoleHat · 09/05/2025 12:12

I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc.

I would stop this. Or pull right back. More to protect your DD than anything - these people do not regard her as the friend you thought they did. Be polite, but a lot more distant and stop the on tap babysitting…..

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Namechangeforthis88 · 09/05/2025 12:13

Taken for granted sounds right to me.

Convenient, but not valued. It does sting a bit.

SilverButton · 09/05/2025 12:14

I would be upset by this too OP.

Hoppinggreen · 09/05/2025 12:15

It is a bit odd but nobody is obligated to invite any child to a party
I think that as only 5 girls from the class are invited just tell your DD it must be a small party but never mind and move on.
You can be as pissed off inside as you want and maybe you don't do as many favours for The Mum if thats what you choose but kids friendships come and go and are often unfathomable so its best not to get too involved
For example a few weeks into Reception a boys Mum that DS had been at Pre school with put a PA post on FB about her son being ditched by his Best Friend now they have started school. I didn't comment but next time I saw her she asked if I had realised she was referring to DS - no idea since neither I nor DS considered this boy as a close friend at all!
I mumbled something non commital and left asap

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 12:15

This is totally unreasonable. You have every right to be upset and angry.

often people will say you can’t expect an invitation but in this instant you absolute can.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/05/2025 12:15

I’d also say ‘ask Emily why you’re not invited’ and go from there.

BreakfastClubBlues · 09/05/2025 12:17

I would assume they don't value your DD's friendship, but are happy to accept your free and convenient childcare.

I would pull right back and encourage other friendships.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:18

it is difficult as i am disadvantaging my daughter if i step back from them.

my daughter gets a huge benefit from the hours of playing with this girl - and the girl herself is very nice.

The girl gave an excuse to my daughter about why she was not invited - something to do with the venue- which I know is not true. I imagine the girls mum told her to give this reason if anyone is asking why they can’t go.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 09/05/2025 12:18

Moveoverdarlin · 09/05/2025 12:15

I’d also say ‘ask Emily why you’re not invited’ and go from there.

I agree with this.

Get your DD to ask her friend. They're old enough for this to be a conversation between the two of them.

purpleme12 · 09/05/2025 12:19

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:18

it is difficult as i am disadvantaging my daughter if i step back from them.

my daughter gets a huge benefit from the hours of playing with this girl - and the girl herself is very nice.

The girl gave an excuse to my daughter about why she was not invited - something to do with the venue- which I know is not true. I imagine the girls mum told her to give this reason if anyone is asking why they can’t go.

Yeah I get it

Seventree · 09/05/2025 12:20

That's really rude. I wouldn't provide anymore childcare and if the mum asks why, tell her your daughter was upset at being left out so you're encouraging her to widen her social network.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:20

I think i just feel weirdly upset by this - like the girl’s parents aren’t very nice and are just using my daughter when it suits.

i wouldn’t treat others people this way and go out of my way to try to include where its possible.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 09/05/2025 12:21

it is difficult as i am disadvantaging my daughter if i step back from them.
my daughter gets a huge benefit from the hours of playing with this girl - and the girl herself is very nice.

I’m not sure - I think you’re disadvantaging her more in the long term by allowing her to think it’s okay to allow others to use you. That’s it’s okay to be convenient for someone else who doesn’t really value your friendship. I would try to broaden her friendship group - have other people round to play.

Knittedfairies2 · 09/05/2025 12:22

How unkind of the other mum/daughter not to invite yours to her party. I would be tempted to tell them there was an issue with this 'venue' (your home!) so play dates were off for the foreseeable future but that would just deprive your daughter of her friend.

Dreichweather · 09/05/2025 12:22

At 9 would expect the parents to say you can have 5 friends at the party who do you want to invite rather than parents making the decision for them.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:24

Yes, i dont want my daughter to ever be a doormat and to have good self esteem

its tricky knowing what to do as these people live very close and i really dont want things to be awkward - even though i now thinks they are not very kind.

OP posts:
Seventree · 09/05/2025 12:25

WimpoleHat · 09/05/2025 12:21

it is difficult as i am disadvantaging my daughter if i step back from them.
my daughter gets a huge benefit from the hours of playing with this girl - and the girl herself is very nice.

I’m not sure - I think you’re disadvantaging her more in the long term by allowing her to think it’s okay to allow others to use you. That’s it’s okay to be convenient for someone else who doesn’t really value your friendship. I would try to broaden her friendship group - have other people round to play.

This! It's not benefitting your daughter if it's teaching her to be a doormat in the future. Teach her she's worth more than that.

GroovyChick87 · 09/05/2025 12:26

I understand as parents we shouldn't expect our children to get invited to every party but this sounds like a situation where you're both being used. Your daughter as a convenient play mate, but one who's not good enough to go the party and you for childcare. You either ask the mum about it or you pull back from them and make yourself less available. Say no sometimes and don't be as friendly. If the mum notices your attitude towards them has changed then you can tell her why.

dogcatkitten · 09/05/2025 12:26

Ask the mother, 'I was surprised little Jenny wasn't invited to Cordelia's party, they are such good friends and Jenny is very disappointed'. See if she has any sort of reason, like oh it's rock wall climbing and I know Jenny is afraid of heights, or whatever. If she has no reasonable excuse you know what you are dealing with, if you don't ask you will never know.

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 12:26

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:18

it is difficult as i am disadvantaging my daughter if i step back from them.

my daughter gets a huge benefit from the hours of playing with this girl - and the girl herself is very nice.

The girl gave an excuse to my daughter about why she was not invited - something to do with the venue- which I know is not true. I imagine the girls mum told her to give this reason if anyone is asking why they can’t go.

No you are not. You are teaching your dd that she has a value and if people don’t treat her as such then you remove yourself.
sadly it is the parent in this case and the other little girl will miss out but that’s the mother’s fault

PurpleThistle7 · 09/05/2025 12:26

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:20

I think i just feel weirdly upset by this - like the girl’s parents aren’t very nice and are just using my daughter when it suits.

i wouldn’t treat others people this way and go out of my way to try to include where its possible.

They aren’t very nice and they are using you.

my son plays our regularly with a neighbour who is the year above. He’s absolutely invited to my son’s party next month. And they aren’t even in the same class and I’ve never babysat for him - he’s just in and out of my house regularly.

Samethinghappenedtome · 09/05/2025 12:27

I've had this same thing with my 9yr old recently too. Best friends since babies, go to afterschool together, in the same class in school. Sit beside each other on school trips, they are virtually stuck together.

Ordinarily, I would just say such is life, and shes usually remarkably accepting of the fact that you can't get invited to everything, but this one really stung.

For most kids, there's one or two that you couldn't imagine leaving out. And this was one of them. Some of the other mums in the class asked why my daughter wasn't there and were astounded too that she wasn't invited.

I honestly don't think the same of the parents, or the child since...

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:28

I know its up to the friend who she invites so who knows what went on with that. She told my daughter she wanted to invite her but couldn’t due to an issue with the venue (which I know is a made up excuse)

if the roles were reversed i would tell my daughter you need to invite your friend as you spend hours and hours in her house playing happily every week and it would be very rude not to invite her- especially when you are close neighbours and in the same class.

OP posts: