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Original poster

Party - Child not invited

267 replies

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:09

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

OP posts:
Snowdrop4 · 10/05/2025 16:31

KilkennyCats · 09/05/2025 17:01

Was it more important to you that the toys stayed tidy, than the toys were actually played with, then?
That’s quite extraordinary.

Show quote history

Autism,kids and me

Y737 · 10/05/2025 18:12

I would say don’t assume the worst - play it long - encourage your daughter to not take it personally - for example, maybe her mum wants her daughter to make better friends in class - but who knows? It’s more likely to be about her daughter than yours. If your current arrangement works, don’t cancel for a slight that may not have been intended. Things tend to become clearer.

pollymere · 10/05/2025 18:43

It sounds like the Venue takes six...

  1. Could it be that the Mum chose the five?
  2. It could be that your DD doesn't get on with one of the other five so her friend had to choose?

It stinks. Hopefully your DD will decide how she feels going forward.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9 year olds Families
Missj25 · 10/05/2025 18:51

SilverButton · 09/05/2025 12:14

I would be upset by this too OP.

Me too , being honest very odd behaviour as the girls are very good friends , see & spend lots of time together..
They get on great & like one another, that’s just weird !
Can you not say it to the mom ?
You’d be saying it nicely so what’s wrong with that 🤷🏻‍♀️, or am I wrong & is that not the done thing ?

Pessismistic · 10/05/2025 19:00

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:16

i am not brave enough to call the mother out - as at the end of the time they technically owe me and my daughter nothing

I think you need to be brave for your dd on this occasion just say dd is upset she’s not invited to party is there an issue with them that I don’t know of. Just explain dd is upset thinking they are good friends as they play together so much. You would prefer to know if there are any issues that you need to be aware of with you having her dd over to your house a lot Call her out otherwise you’re the one being a doormat.

PurpleThistle7 · 10/05/2025 19:17

I would never ever say anything to the parent as there’s no explanation needed. She is more important to your daughter than your daughter is to her. They are situational friends and her parents are taking advantage of that as you are neighbours.

I can’t see a single result from asking for an explanation that would be helpful. The only answer is ‘my daughter didn’t want your daughter there’. If your daughter could invite one friend to her party and it’s this girl, that doesn’t mean the reverse is true. As they get older and busier and able to make their way further into the world to visit other friends, this friendship will likely fade out so I’d just suggest being a bit proactive for your daughter’s sake to ensure she also has more options.

SipandClean · 10/05/2025 19:37

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:37

I feel a bit trapped as we live so close - i can’t avoid them playing with each other so much as they both want to and its really hard to avoid it- although i feel like we are being used!

Stop being such a pushover and stop giving free childcare to this mother. Just explain to your child that you are busy or something.

Cariadm · 10/05/2025 20:32

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 12:15

This is totally unreasonable. You have every right to be upset and angry.

often people will say you can’t expect an invitation but in this instant you absolute can.

I would not be able to help myself from sending a polite but to the point note to the mother in question to let her know exactly how I felt about my daughter being left out of the party! 🙄
She sound like the sort of woman who needs to hear a few home truths and as the bridges would be already burned for me as far as any more free babysitting etc there would be nothing to lose!
Sad of course for the daughter but she is already hurt and upset anyway...😥

TheRoseBee · 10/05/2025 20:35

Awww this is so sad. This happened to me in year 4 and it stayed with me, but tbf I deserved it and was a bit of a dick to the boy who didn't invite me.

GoAwayNow · 10/05/2025 20:54

I understand there is a difference between 'homies' and school friends but this girl is in her class, so less of an excuse.

That's not cool.

Your daughter, her friend and their parents need to learn about consequenses.

I bet they are jealous of you in some way, usually when someone one strikes with the popularity game there is an element of envy and spite.

Don't lower yourself to say anything just distance yourselves from this family, they arn't kind and have shown their true colours.

Assholes really.

HopscotchBanana · 10/05/2025 20:59

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:28

I know its up to the friend who she invites so who knows what went on with that. She told my daughter she wanted to invite her but couldn’t due to an issue with the venue (which I know is a made up excuse)

if the roles were reversed i would tell my daughter you need to invite your friend as you spend hours and hours in her house playing happily every week and it would be very rude not to invite her- especially when you are close neighbours and in the same class.

Not everyone has manners though, as you've found out.

Are all the girls local? I know it's still crap, but is there a skewed logic that she sees your DD out of school loads, and never sees the other girls, so they're inviting people she would otherwise not see, and just thinking they'll see your DD later on that day as usual?

NameChangedOfc · 10/05/2025 21:21

BreakfastClubBlues · 09/05/2025 12:17

I would assume they don't value your DD's friendship, but are happy to accept your free and convenient childcare.

I would pull right back and encourage other friendships.

Agree

Ayeayeaye25 · 10/05/2025 21:27

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:37

I feel a bit trapped as we live so close - i can’t avoid them playing with each other so much as they both want to and its really hard to avoid it- although i feel like we are being used!

You most definitely are being used when its convenient.

Bur I think saying anything could make the situation much worse for your DD.

Just be less available, encourage other friendships and move on.

KelseyParkGoose · 10/05/2025 21:48

As our child I used to hang out a lot with or next door neighbour (a girl in my year at school) when we were at home but it was something of a friendship of convenience rather than a true friend - we got along well enough but we didn’t have a common friendship group at school and really only spent time with each other because it was easy (I was allowed to walk and knock on next door whereas my ‘true’ friends all lived some distance away).

In this case it was fine as we were both on the same page and no-one was put out if we weren’t always invited to birthdays etc.

It sounds like in this case it is unbalanced with the other girl treating it as a ‘friendship of convenience’ while your DD treats it a ‘true friendship’.

I wouldn’t discourage your DD from spending time with this girl, but I would encourage your DD to foster some other friendships.

Skybluepinky · 10/05/2025 22:08

U’ll probably find the mum is part of the playground mummy mafia so has invited the children of the most influential mummies. Playground politics is hard for some mums to navigate, so they keep the troublemakers on side as it’s easier for them that way.

Eldermillennialmum · 10/05/2025 22:11

Stop looking after the girl. She doesn't consider your child a close friend and her and the mother are using you and your DD for childcare. I get that they can invite whomever they want but to spend all the time at your house and then still not invite your DD is not acceptable to me.

ChocolateAddictAlways · 10/05/2025 22:25

Sorry you’re experiencing this OP, I feel for your daughter, it’s an age where things like this can really hurt their feelings and leave them feeling confused and insecure.

Tbrh · 10/05/2025 22:29

I don't blame you for feeling upset. But if you don't want to ask the mother and you still want your daughter to play with her because it advantages your daughter then I'm not sure what else you can do. There could be several reasons, one might be that the mother wants her to build on other friendships, or perhaps it's a cost thing not a venue thing. But unless you ask, you'll never know. I'd say something in a text like I hope x enjoys her party next week, I wouldn't be able to help myself!

Tripleblue · 10/05/2025 22:34

Rude selfish people. Remove them from your life. They are users and clearly wrong in the head.

Tripleblue · 10/05/2025 22:53

MoistVonL · 09/05/2025 15:18

you are not allowing your daughter to be the ‘default entertainment’ when nobody else is available

Don't do that, you'll look like a nutter.

Children who have a large range of friends often compartmentalise. They are frequently uncomfortable mixing their groups - school friends, family friends, Brownies friends, swimming club friends etc.

If they are having a small party it is perfectly normal for them to choose friends from one group and not a mix. @SuperSleepyBaby , you said this girl doesn't play with your daughter much at school. She is in a different friendship group.

The girl and her mother have done nothing wrong. Your daughter may be a good afterschool friend but she isn't one of the child's very closest friends. That's OK, it's allowed.

Your daughter has done nothing wrong either. She probably could do with a broader range of friends so she isn't reliant on this little girl so much, but that's OK too.

Try not to take it to heart. It's hard when we see our children's feelings get hurt.

In what crazy world is it nothing wrong excluding a close friend whose house you go into all the time?

Lighttodark · 10/05/2025 22:59

WimpoleHat · 09/05/2025 12:21

it is difficult as i am disadvantaging my daughter if i step back from them.
my daughter gets a huge benefit from the hours of playing with this girl - and the girl herself is very nice.

I’m not sure - I think you’re disadvantaging her more in the long term by allowing her to think it’s okay to allow others to use you. That’s it’s okay to be convenient for someone else who doesn’t really value your friendship. I would try to broaden her friendship group - have other people round to play.

Agree 100%

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 10/05/2025 23:08

the friend told my daughter she really wants to invite her but is unable due to an issue with the venue. I know this issue is just made up as an excuse for not inviting my daughter.

that’s just life even if it seems a bit rude and not how i would behave.

my daughter is oblivious to the situation and part of me wants to point out to her that maybe this isnt as good a friend as she had thought - but the other part of me doesnt want to burst her happy bubble. Its like shes innocent and happy and sees herself as having a good friend - do i want to point out that this person is not acting like a proper friend?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 10/05/2025 23:15

I think I’d have to say to the mother at some point before the party ‘Hope Emily has a lovely party. Where she spends so much time at ours, we’ve been hearing all about it!

Whooowhooohoo · 10/05/2025 23:19

When girl is at your house, and you get her cozy at the kitchen table … start asking questions about school.

Ask questions to both girls nice soft questions- favorite subject, things looking forward to, any new children, anyone get hurt on holiday …. Then ask girl, why wasn’t DS invited to your birthday.

Be prepared for the answer.

Then move on to more questions about school, it’s essential you keep conversation going.

MoistVonL · 10/05/2025 23:33

Tripleblue · 10/05/2025 22:53

In what crazy world is it nothing wrong excluding a close friend whose house you go into all the time?

Show quote history

To the birthday girl, OP’s daughter isn’t a close friend, she’s the kid she plays with after school.

To OP’s daughter, the birthday girl is her best friend.

Different levels of investment and engagement.

Neither girl is wrong. It’s just a disconnect, which can unfortunately be hurtful